An Act Of Omission
by candidata
Summary: Catherine and Gil’s new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis, when Catherine reveals what she's been hiding. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine’s POV.
1. Trailer

Watch the amazing trailer-video for "An Act of Omission" made by CathWillows in close co-operation with me. Since I cannot get the site to post with a link in my document you can watch this wonderful piece of work by clicking on my profile for the link!


	2. Chapter 1

**An Act Of Omission 1/12**

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Also Terri Miller makes a guest star appearance.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

**Chapter 1**

She slowly got out of bed. To her relief he didn't stir, his breathing remaining relaxed and steady. She felt around for clothing, finding his boxers and shirt. They'd keep her warm enough.  

She retreated to sit on her wide bedroom windowsill, the lights of Las Vegas comforting in their familiarity. She leaned her head back against the wood frame and drew her knees up to her chest.

'You're an idiot,' she silently berated herself.  

She had been going to tell him earlier, but all her intentions had fled as soon as he'd touched her, replaced by the urgent need to have him within her. A need fulfilled, yet leaving her emptier than ever.  

She turned to look at him. His face was hidden in shadow, but she didn't need to see it. His features were branded into her brain. 

Those twinkling eyes that told her more than his words could ever hope to; the mouth ranging in expression from the infuriating smirk to the seductive smile-features that would soon be shaped by contempt and betrayal.  

A wave of dizziness forced her eyes closed and her head forward to rest on her knees. An indeterminate period of time passed before she heard a concerned voice.  

"Cath? What are you doing?"

She pulled her head up as he touched her shoulder. She couldn't prevent a snort at the image of him wearing her bathrobe. He smiled.

"Yeah, well, your blouse is too small. Just be glad I didn't try on your underwear."

He caressed her cheek, before sitting on the windowsill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees, before rubbing her legs.

"You're cold. Come back to bed and I'll warm you up." He separated her knees and kissed the inside of each, his lips arousing her nerve endings. 

She stifled a whimper and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He captured her hands and brought them to his lips. She knew she had to regain control before they made love again. She pulled her arms back and crossed them over her chest.

"I need to tell you something." 

"What have you been ruminating on in the wee small hours?"  

Her stomach threatened to rebel and she breathed deeply to calm it. Best to get it over and done with quickly.

"I'm pregnant."  

Wonder and joy hijacked his face, a huge grin and dancing eyes, followed by an excited,

"Really?"

He didn't give her time to reply as he jumped to his feet, pulling her with him. He wrapped his arms around her back, holding her close, before sliding down her body and kissing her stomach.  

Her resolve nearly crumbled. She shut her eyes tight, willing her brain to take command. She opened them when she felt his hands on her cheeks.

His expression was concerned.

"Cath? We're going to be okay. I know you're worried about Ecklie and our jobs, but we can deal with it." The smile reappeared.

"We're having a baby."

She stepped back, breaking the skin contact.

"We're not having a baby." Her voice was remarkably steady.

"What?" His brain worked overtime and his mouth wasn't far behind.

"You don't mean--can we talk about this first? If you really don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, I'll respect your wishes..."

"No, that isn't it."

"Well, you've confused me totally."

She took a deep breath and forced herself to look him straight in the eyes.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that we're not having a baby. I am. You're not the father, Gil."

His face crumpled in shock.

"The baby's not mine? But..." The realization hit him and he backed away until his legs touched the bed and he slumped down on it. He stared at the floor for a few seconds before returning his gaze to hers.

"You're having an affair?" he whispered.

She was uncomfortable towering over him, but her feet wouldn't move. "Not exactly."

"Then what exactly? Stop playing word games, Cath." Anger and tears competed for supremacy within him.

"It was a one night thing."

"Who? When?"

She twisted her hands together.

"Mark something. I don't know his last name. Five weeks ago."

His anger won out.

"I was away for a week and you fucked some stranger?"

She physically recoiled from his words and collapsed on the windowsill.

"I'm sorry." She struggled to hold back her own tears.

"It's a bit late for that. If it wasn't for the--" He gestured to her stomach.

"Would you have told me?"

She bit down hard on her lip to stop a sob and wrapped her arms over her stomach.

"I have to get out of here." He sounded lost.

"Gil"

"No!" He put his hands up to stop her.

"Just shut up, Cath. I don't want to hear any more." He stood and started gathering his clothes, keeping his back to her.

"I need the rest of my clothes."

"Okay." She pulled off the boxers and shirt, replacing them with the robe he'd flung onto the bed.

"There," she whispered, as she threw them to him and turned around.  

She watched his reflection in the window. He dressed within a minute and left without a glance at her. The door to her bedroom slammed behind him.  

Her body began to shudder violently as she let the tears loose. Within minutes her stomach declared its intentions and she only just made it to the toilet. Exhaustion set in after the dry heaves. She only had enough energy to reach for a glass of water to rinse out her mouth, before curling up on the bathroom mat. Her hands automatically settled over her stomach as she cried herself to sleep.

------  

She called in sick later, claiming stomach flu. Nick offered to send someone around to check on her, but she talked him out of it. The last thing she needed was to break down in front of a concerned friend.

The day was spent alternating between the bed and the bathroom floor. There was an occasional side trip to the kitchen, followed by a rapid return to the toilet. She gave up after the third attempt.

She lay on what had become his side of the bed. His scent teased her nose and his arms wrapped around her, his lips on her skin, his hand moving down to rest over the baby. He traced slow, teasing circles over her stomach, his mouth pressed against her throat, before his hand slipped down to her thighs. She parted her legs and he accepted the invitation.

Her eyes closed and her breath quickened in step with his touch. She pushed against him, wanting him in contact with every possible square inch of her skin.

"Gil," she whispered.

And he was gone, leaving her hanging over the precipice. She pulled her legs up and curled into a ball as the tears returned.  

------

She leaned across to thump her clock, but the bells continued. Her conscious mind surfaced and ordered her hand to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" she muttered.

"Cath!"

"Please just leave me alone, Warrick." She squinted at the clock. It was either 8:47 or 9:47. Her clock had been knocked off the bedside table a few times too many and refused to show the bottom half of the hour number in protest.

"Catherine please let bring over some hot chicken soup?"  His concerned tone almost got to her.

"I'm not up for eating." Her voice was slightly slurred, probably due to the fact she couldn't feel her tongue.

"You really don't sound well."

"You don't say." Okay, don't yell. It only makes your head explode. Quieter.

"I was wondering why I called in sick. Thanks for letting me know."

"Your sarcasm is still intact, so you can't be too sick."

She closed her eyes and rubbed her hand over her forehead.

"No, I'm not too sick. I've just thrown up a few hundred times since early this morning, flushed my stomach around 2pm, threw up a lung at 6:45 and lost my pancreas about an hour ago. At least I think it was my pancreas. Could have been a kidney."

"Ummm, Cath. That's really..."

She would have laughed if she'd had any energy left. "What do you want?"

There was a few seconds silence. She could picture him squirming.

"Nothing. I was just worried, so I thought I'd.."

"Mother me?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of cheering you up."  

A little smile appeared. He could be terribly sweet at times. But she didn't want that at the moment.

"Is Sophia there?" 

"Yeah."

"Please put her on."  

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Sophia!"  She held the receiver away from her ear at his bellow. Mumbled explanations followed before she heard Sophia's voice.  

"Cath"

"Hi, Sophia. Could you please make sure Warrick does not call me again today? Otherwise I'm going to have to take desperate measures."  

Sophia laughed. "Of course. He'll have to ask before he's allowed to touch the phone." Warrick could be heard complaining.

"How are you?"

"I'd be a lot better if my stomach would stay above empty."

"You tried some dry crackers or toast?"   Cath rubbed her stomach. 

"Yeah. They're probably floating in the Atlantic by now."  

"Just try a couple of bites every half hour or so. Don't try to eat too much at once. And make sure you drink plenty of liquids."

"Thank you, Doctor Curtis." Cath felt the first genuine smile of the day on her lips.

"Do you want me to come and see you?"  

She almost said yes. "No, it's okay. Thanks, though. I don't want you to catch it. Probably just a twenty-four hour bug."  

"I could do with a day off. Call me if you need anything." 

"Thank you, Sophia. If I don't turn up or call in tomorrow, come by. You'll find what's left of my body on the bathroom floor. Could you put Warrick back on?" Cath waited until she heard Warrick's hesitant 'Hi'.

"War. I'll see you tomorrow." In a lower voice she made her apologies. "Thanks for checking up on me." 

"Look after yourself, Cath."  

She pulled herself out of bed and wandered over to the windowsill. Making herself comfortable, she leaned her head against the window, placed her hands on her stomach and began to formulate contingency plans. 

------  

"Cath!"  She stopped at the lab door.

"Hey, War." 

"You sound more like yourself." Warrick rose from his chair and left the piece of evidence lying on the table. She leaned against the doorframe, placing her bag on her hip while she watched him. 

"As opposed to the bitch from yesterday?" She returned his smile. They could never stay mad at each other for long.  He studied her face.

"I don't want you to bite my head off, but you don't look--"  She reached out and placed her hand on his chest.

"I know. But I really am much better. You don't need to worry about me." She smiled to reassure him.

"Besides, the bad guys always goes easy on me when I look like I'm about to collapse. I'd better go before Ecklie sends out a search party."  

Cath spent half the shift deflecting concern over her health and the other half catching up on what she'd missed. She was nibbling on her umpteenth cracker when she got a message from Al saying he was ready to go over the autopsy results. Her stomach protested and she breathed deeply to calm it. 

"Hey are you..." Warrick had just entered and seen her green face. 

"I'm okay, Warrick."  

She knew she couldn't avoid the autopsy room for good; the best course of action was to confront it. Her stomach was doing its best to counter that argument, but her head took control once again. By the time she walked into the room she was surprisingly calm and her mask was in place.  

It wasn't as bad as she had feared. She just kept breathing through her mouth as Al went through the results. She felt herself tense up when Gil entered the room. But he never said a word and kept his attention focused on Al. She caught his gaze briefly in the end and had to swallow a gasp. She prayed for a flash of anger, grief, hate would even do. Any emotion was preferable to the vacant stare.  

At the end of the run down, she watched him nod at Al and then disappear back through the doors without looking at her. 

"Catherine?"  She turned to Al. "Yeah?" 

"You okay? You're really pale." 

"I'm fine." Catherine walked out into the corridor, Al trailing behind her.

"On second thought..."  She shoved her case file into Al's hands and made it to the bathroom just in time.  

The remainder of the week settled into a pattern. Get out of bed, throw up, drag herself into work and try to make it through the day without throwing up again. Much to her relief, the guys put it down to the remnants of the flu.  

Autopsies still presented a challenge to her composure. Gil went around his usual rounds at assignment handouts and was back to being all business when he looked at her. She wasn't sure whether to envy him or be angry with him. Friday morning saw her muffle a sigh of relief when Gil had Warrick pass out the assignments. By the second evening his absence started to worry her. All sorts of scenarios worked through her brain and she sprinted to the bathroom after the assignment was over.

The locker room was occupied by her partner for the nights assignment when she returned. Nick was watching her intently.

"I'll be ready in a sec"   

"I know." He sat on her couch, his concerned Papa Bear expression in place.

"Still sick?"

She slumped onto the bench.

"A bit."

"Why don't you take the weekend off, I'm sure Griss wouldn't mind? We can cover and we'll only call you in if the world's about to end." He reached over and touched her arm.

Cath bit her lip. She really needed to center and calm her mind and stomach. But the idea of being alone with herself for two days wasn't appealing. 

"I can go get Grissom in on this?"

She shifted her gaze from her hands to his eyes 

"Don't. Okay, I'll go home, thanks."

"If you're still sick on Monday, see a doctor, will ya?." He walked towards the door.  

"Yes, Dad."

Turning back to her, he smirked. "Go home, Cath." 

------  

Home was the last place she wanted to be by lunch time on Saturday. The day had started as usual, hanging over the toilet. A cleaning frenzy followed, but she only disturbed memories of Gil. Dancing a very bad vertical tango through the living room and up the stairs to her bedroom, where it tilted into a very good horizontal tango; cooking breakfast together, toast burning as their attention was distracted; long, leisurely baths exploring, touching, feeling.  

The breaking point was the discovery of one of Gil's shirts under a pile of clothes. Remnants of his cologne still clung to the material, stirring her emotions as she hugged it to her chest. She sat cross-legged on the floor at the end of her bed and rocked as the tears flowed.   

She needed to get out, escape from the past. Pulling herself up, she placed the shirt in a bottom drawer and quickly dressed. Where to go? Somewhere with plenty of people to distract her, preferably strangers. the Strip was a logical destination.

The busy street with shopping possibilities and casinos side by side in the second week of April was busy and buzzing with tourists.

She wandered along the shops. It was a perfect spring day, the sun reflecting off the decorated windows causing her to squint, even with sunglasses. Lunch beckoned and she found a quiet spot sitting in a small park near the strip. She watched the action on the footpath as she ate, her vision subconsciously drawn to young children and their parents.

Picturing herself with a baby this late in her life was difficult and slightly amusing. She'd never given serious thought to having children, with Gil, she already had Lindsey, whom he adored and her career had been her focus and as for her relationship track record--there'd been some good sex, but no genes she'd think once, let alone twice, about reproducing with. Then she'd fallen for the one man she wasn't allowed to have. They knew their relationship would be frowned upon by company regulations so they kept it to themselves. Lindsey didn't even know how serious it had gotten these last couple of months.

The decision was made from the moment the doctor had confirmed her suspicions a week ago. She had no one but herself to blame, the self pity needed to stop. If she wanted to keep this quiet for a few more weeks she had to act as normally as possible. Jumping down people's throats when they had no inkling of her situation wasn't fair.

Her arms settled protectively over her stomach. All she had to do was follow Gil's example.

------

Her resolution lasted until mid-afternoon Monday.

"Cath?"  She looked up to see Ecklie holding a sheet of paper. "Yeah?" 

"Gil is asking for a relocation to San Francisco so you'll be our new acting supervisor." 

"Gil what?"  Ecklie nodded.

Reaching out to take the paper, Cath commented, "What's in San Francisco?" She quickly scanned the details. "When do they want him to start?"

"Monday. Apparently they really need the man power so it has to be as soon as possible."  

Catherine barely registered anything beyond the mention of Gil. All of her concentration was fixed on keeping her eyes dry and her stomach calm. A touch on her shoulder and Ecklies's slightly concerned tone allowed reality back in.

"Do you know what position he will hold?" Cath kept her eyes locked on the sheet of paper and silently cursed her shaky voice.

Ecklie sounded surprised at the inquiry. "Supervisor in San Francisco. He had the final interview on Friday. You sure you're okay?"

Pasting on a smile, Cath looked up. "I'm fine. I guess I'll be in charge for a while then." She handed the form back to Ecklie, and watched him leave. The door closing was the cue for her body to shake and the tears to flow.  

------ 

Autopilot was engaged for the rest of the week. Emotions were allowed freedom only in the sanctuary of her bedroom. Morning sickness extended its hold into the night; she was only keeping down one meal a day.

Yet, somehow she still functioned and no one asked her what was wrong. Definitely Oscar-worthy material.  

Friday arrived and she had to mention him at the assignment handout. "And as you might have heard, Gil is leaving us for San Francisco." She kept her eyes trained on a point directly above his head.

"Gil we're sorry to see you go, since you've really done great things for this lab, landing us a spot as the top rated lab in the country." 

She paused as the others stared at her and Gil with mouths hanging open. Then they congratulated him and began asking questions. Her gaze dropped and met his, the sadness she glimpsed leaving her shaken. It was only for a second though as he switched back to business mode.

Cath wasn't quite as adept and had to cough before she could speak again. Still looking directly at him, she finished, "You will be missed."

Gil gave a little nod in acknowledgement.    

A deep breath and she was ready to escape. "Okay, that's it for now. Have fun out in the field." 

The sanctuary of her new office beckoned, but a side trip to the bathroom was mandatory. By then her space had been invaded.  

Dropping her case file onto her desk, she spoke without facing the intruder.

"Did I miss the memo listing my new office as party central on Fridays?"

"I thought your office was always party central."

"What do you want, Warrick?" She turned to find him holding out a thick bundle of paper.

"No! Absolutely not!" Cath quickly moved to put her desk between them.

"I am going home, not reading case files."

"It needs to be done by tomorrow." Warrick was trying out his pleading face, but she wasn't going to fall for it.

"Tomorrow's Saturday. Why does it have to be done by then?"

"Because it's already late."

She sighed, knowing she was going to end up reading it, but not quite willing to end the argument.

"When was it supposed to be done?"

"Last weekend." Warrick shuffled his feet.

"And you've had all week to give it to Grissom."

"I tried several times, but he was always busy." He deposited it in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Cath. But it has to be done. The top sheet lists what's needed."

She fought to hold back the tears, damn hormones.

"Okay, fine. Let me get to it."

"Do you want me to order you some dinner?"

Her stomach protested at the mere mention of the word. "No, thanks." She grabbed the first file and didn't look up as he left.

Several hours after the sun had set and everyone had gone home, she was still reading. Her back started to ache and tiredness seeped into every muscle. Cath stood and walked out into the office hallway and back. The couch beckoned, but she resisted. She only had an hour or so left on the case files; if she sat down on the couch she wouldn't get up again.

Turning to walk another circuit of the hallways, Cath collided with a body. She moved one hand immediately to protect her stomach, the other to brace herself against him. He dropped a small object as his hand settled over her stomach and his other arm around her body.

Concern clouded his eyes before he slammed down the shutter and effected a neutral expression. He removed his hands as if scalded and stepped back, leaving her to stifle a whimper at the loss of contact.

"I'm sorry."

She worked hard to steady herself.

"It's okay. I should have watched where I was going. I wasn't expecting anyone."

"Yeah. I just came by to give Lindsey something." Gil indicated the parcel he'd picked up off the floor. "

"Hope it's okay. I thought you would've gone by now." He walked over to her desk.

She was left standing by the door, upset at the knowledge he'd been going to leave without saying goodbye.

'What the hell did you expect? Flowers and one more screw for the road?' Closing the office door, she bit her lip then turned and moved towards him.

"I had a bunch of case files dumped on me at the last minute."

"It didn't break." Gil held up a butterfly ornament. "Do you mind?"

"No." She watched him closely as he wrapped the paper back around his farewell gift. The skillful hands which knew every inch of her and how to bring her to and over the edge; the strong shoulders she'd clung to; the curls at the nape of his neck. She resisted the urge to twine them around her fingers, but her mouth took on a life of its own.

"You don't have to leave."

He snorted.

"You've got to be joking!" The small package in his hands shifting from one hand to another. He put it on her desk before he turned back to her.

"You expect me to stay here and watch?" He waved his hand at her abdomen.

"Maybe it makes me a Neanderthal, but I can't be here. I just can't." he turned around.

Cath hugged her arms around her body. "I'm so sorry, Gil."

He turned away from he and took a couple of deep breaths before he replied,

"For what? Fucking him or being caught out? You could have at least used a condom, then I would've been none the wiser."

"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered, as the words struggled with the tears to escape.

"And yet you did." Gil turned around, his mouth tight trying to contain his own emotions.

"Just as well you told me last week. I was about to interview for a supervisor job in San Francisco."

She couldn't stifle a sob at that revelation. Her desk was the only thing keeping her from collapsing.

"Yeah. I was going to get rid of the conflict of interest completely. We'd have been able to be together without looking over our shoulders. We could start all over. Wouldn't I have felt like a fool? Or would you've passed the baby off as mine? Because you could have, I would never have guessed." He emitted a strangled laugh as a tear rolled down his face.

Cath pushed herself off the desk and reached out to brush his cheek. Gil flinched and sidestepped to avoid her touch.

"Don't. Just don't." His voice gained a hard edge.

"Did you love me at all, or was I just an easy and willing source of sex?"

The protest died on her lips as he cut her off.

"Actually don't answer that. Let me preserve at least part of the delusion."

His mouth twisted into a cruel smile.

"You are great in bed. I'm sure Mark Something got his money's worth, plus a little bonus."

Fighting the twin urges to throw up and collapse, Cath had no energy left over to speak or even sob. Tears glided silently over her cheeks as she clenched her hands.

The anger bled out of his face, leaving behind confusion and hurt. He looked around, lost for a moment, before finding the door. Pointing to it, he stammered,

"I--I need to go--leave. Good luck with everything." He paused and held his hand out in the direction of her stomach.

"I hope the--the baby does well."

Her voice fought its way out.

"Thanks. Good luck with the job and San Francisco." There was so much more to be said, but they were the only words she knew.

"Yeah."

Their gazes held for a few seconds, before the ragged edges of shattered trust and dreams tore them apart. She lowered her head, not willing to watch him walk out of her life. The click of the door closing sparked sensations of claustrophobia. Those damn case files could wait one more day; she needed to get out of there.

A call was made to the cab company; she was in no fit state to drive. Honestly, she didn't care if she made it home in one piece, but she wouldn't risk the tiny creature relying on her.

Complete exhaustion spread through her body as she closed her front door. She dragged herself into a hot shower, trying to scrub away the shame and disgust. All she achieved was tender skin and a sore throat and head from muffled sobbing.

Walking naked into her bedroom, she opened a drawer and pulled out his shirt. She winced as the material came into contact with the results of her rough treatment. His scent made her dizzy and her fingers fumbled with the buttons.

Cocooned within his arms, she collapsed into bed and released the flood gates.

---

So this is my newest fic, it is very angst, and extremely emotionally draining, but stay tuned, I promised you won't be disappointed! All my best! C


	3. Chapter 2

**An Act Of Omission 2/12**

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

**Chapter 2**

-------

Eight days.

Wasn't this supposed to get easier?

He haunted her sleep. She felt him moving within her, his hands stroking her skin, heard him whisper her name as they soared, smelt his cologne, tasted his lips.

Waking hours weren't any easier. Several times during work she'd nearly called his name. Salt and peppery curls had become a source of fascination. She was slightly concerned she was giving some of the police men the wrong idea.

"Ms. Willows."  Cath looked up to see her gynecologist walking towards her.

"Sorry for the delay. I'm the receptionist, nurse and doctor on Saturday afternoons." Dr. Martin smiled in apology.

"It's fine. It's one of the reasons I come to you. Your hours are nearly as bad as mine," Cath replied.

Dr. Martin had been highly recommended by a number of women in lab when Cath was looking for a new doctor after she started at the lab years ago..

While Cath had only had a couple of appointments during the years with her, Dr. Martin had made her feel very comfortable.

"Come through."

Cath followed the shorter dark-haired woman into her office and sat down.

"I have a note here that this is an obstetrical consultation. So I'll start by asking some questions and checking your medical history." Dr. Martin began to take notes.

"You've had a pregnancy test and seen your doctor to confirm it?"

Cath nodded.

"What was the date of the first day of your last menstrual period, and did your doctor give you an expected date of delivery?"

"February 27, and he said around December 6," Cath answered, watching as Dr. Martin made some quick calculations.

"Sounds about right." The doctor looked up at her.

"It's only an estimate; most deliveries take place up to ten days either side of that date. Any idea of the approximate date of conception?"

"Possibly the week starting March 12."

"Okay. We date the pregnancy from the last period, so you're eight and a half weeks. Have you had any previous pregnancies, either going to full-term, or ending in miscarriage or termination?"

Cath nodded her head.

"Yes, one" Dr. Martin shuffled through her file.

"I have a note here that you were taken off the Pill by your previous gynecologist six years ago due to some high blood pressure and changed to using a diaphragm. I checked the fit of the diaphragm eleven months ago when you last saw me for a pap smear. Were you still using the diaphragm each time you had sex?"

"Without fail," Cath snorted.

"Obviously it wasn't as reliable as I was."

"Unfortunately it isn't as reliable as the Pill. Weight change can affect the fit. You didn't lose or gain more than ten pounds in the last eleven months?"

"The only weight change I've had has been in the last two weeks. I'm barely keeping anything down."

"You didn't have any problems with morning sickness before six weeks?"

"Not really," Cath replied.

"I graduated straight to throwing up morning and night. Between that and my bladder, I spend half my time within sprinting distance of a toilet."

"Were there any added stresses around six weeks?"

CATHERINE clenched her hands in her lap.

"You could say that."

"Stress can definitely increase the severity of morning sickness." Dr. Martin smiled reassuringly.

"But it should start to get easier over the next month or two. We'll keep an eye on it, especially if you lose too much weight or become dehydrated. Try eating say five to six smaller meals, rather than three main meals. Keep the food healthy and if you find certain foods that do stay down, increase your intake. The main thing to remember is plenty of fluids."

"More time in the bathroom," Cath groaned.

Dr. Martin went on to question her about other pregnancy symptoms, her previous medical history and family history of inherited disease.

"Nothing that I'm aware of," Cath answered.

"What about the father?"

Her stomach churned and she had to take several deep breaths before she could answer.

"I don't know and I can't find out. He's not involved and I want it to remain that way."

"Okay, that's all right," Dr. Martin replied in a soothing tone.

"Can you give me a urine sample?"  Cath laughed with relief.

"That is one thing I'm definitely qualified to do."

The drawing of blood followed.

"The urine will be tested for protein, sugar and ketones. That'll show how your kidneys are functioning and whether there's any sign of diabetes," Dr. Martin explained.

"The blood will be checked for the hemoglobin level, rhesus antibodies and blood group, and rubella antibody levels. We'll also test for antibodies to HIV and syphilis."

The doctor then performed a full general physical examination, starting by measuring her height, weight and blood pressure. Cath's neck, lungs, heart and breasts were examined, followed by her abdomen, spine, legs and feet. Her armpits and groin were checked for swollen glands. The final step was a pelvic examination.

"The size of your uterus is consistent with eight weeks and the cervix has softened. This is going to be uncomfortable, but I need to check the pelvic organs."  Cath shut her eyes and tried to relax. A short time later she felt a touch on her shoulder and opened her eyes to see the doctor.  "

You can get dressed now, Catherine."   Dr. Martin was finishing writing up her notes when Cath returned to the desk.

"The pelvic examination showed everything exactly right for eight weeks. You're generally healthy. However, there are two main areas concerning me."

The doctor folded her hands.

"Firstly, your weight. As I mentioned earlier, try a number of smaller meals during the day. We need to try and minimize any further weight loss and that means eating even if you don't feel like it." She handed Cath several sheets of paper.

"That will give you some ideas for meals, as well as foods that are particularly high in nutritional content. If you find any that disagree with you, cut them out."  Cath quickly skimmed through the list.

"And second?"

"Your blood pressure. You have what we term chronic hypertension. Pregnancy-induced hypertension usually doesn't appear until twenty-eight weeks. But you've gone into this pregnancy with a higher blood pressure than I would have liked. You are at high risk of developing pre-eclampsia and the baby's growth may be retarded."

Dr. Martin stood and walked around the desk to sit beside Catherine.

"I don't want to scare you, but it's something you need to be aware of and prepared for."

Catherine bit her lip and fought to control the emotions slamming into her.

"What...what do I do?"

"I'm going to keep a close eye on you. Usually in the first half of pregnancy, visits are every four to six weeks. I want to see you every two weeks without fail. The appointments will be more frequent if needed." The doctor reached out and took Catherine's hands, squeezing them in comfort.

"Every two weeks." Cath nodded.

"You need to reduce your stress levels."

"With my job?" A cross between a giggle and a sob caught in her throat.

"I can't afford to give up work."

"And I'm not asking you to at this stage." Dr. Martin adopted a firm tone.

"But the reality is bed rest may become necessary. By reducing your stress levels now you lessen that possibility. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, only do the work that has to be done. Learn to delegate. Have you told your boss yet?"

"No," Catherine replied, shaking her head.

"I wanted to wait a few more weeks."

Dr. Martin pursed her lips.

Okay. I'll leave it up to you, but the sooner you tell them, the better for you and the baby. Does anyone else know?" She continued after Catherine answered in the negative.

"I strongly recommend finding a friend or family member you can confide in. Someone you can discuss things with, who can be a support. I'm here if you're worried about anything or have questions. But you need someone you're close to."  

"Anything else?"  

"That's all we can do at the moment. The first couple of months are rather stressful anyway. Hopefully as you become more comfortable with the pregnancy, your blood pressure will stabilize. I'll give you some literature on hypertension and pre-eclampsia before you leave."

"If I ever need to do a briefing on this, I'll be well prepared," Cath joked weakly. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes.

"Are there any tests I need?"

"Due to your age, you are at greater risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. I highly recommend genetic testing either by amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling, CVS." Dr. Martin pulled a folder off her desk and outlined both techniques.

"I know it's a lot to take in."  Catherine rubbed the back of her neck as her mind struggled to stay afloat.

"Just a bit of an information overload. I haven't done any research, I've just been trying to get used to the idea."

"You've got a few weeks to think it over. I'll give you some information booklets." They both laughed, relieving some of the tension. Catherine stood and stretched, before walking around the room. 

"Which do you recommend?"

"I'd suggest CVS. There is a higher miscarriage rate, though most miscarriages occur in the first trimester anyway. Amnio is done around sixteen to eighteen weeks, so the results aren't available until you are visibly pregnant and have probably felt the baby move. If there is a problem and you decide on termination, you would most likely have to go through an induced labor. CVS can be done around eleven to twelve weeks and results are usually available within a week to ten days. Termination is a lot easier medically. Plus with your higher blood pressure, the sooner this particular worry is out of the way, the better." Dr. Martin walked over to a filing cabinet and pulled some booklets out of the top drawer.

"I don't want you to make the decision now. Think it over, read these, make an informed decision."  Catherine took the booklets and watched as the doctor searched for extra papers.

"Can you do the test?"  

"Yes, I've got the facilities. There they are." She handed Catherine another bundle of information sheets.

"Those talk about hypertension and possible complications. Back to the CVS. It would have to be done during business hours on a weekday, which is when my technician is available. Give me a call when you've decided and we'll set a time."  Catherine stared at the papers in her hands. Her body waited for instructions but her brain stalled.

"Catherine." Dr. Martin squeezed her arm to attract her attention.

"I think that's enough for today."   Catherine nodded and recomposed herself. "Yeah." 

"I'll see you same time Saturday in two weeks."

"Right." She smiled gratefully at the doctor.

"Thank you." 

-------

Struggling into her house, Catherine dropped her keys and purse onto the entrance table. She kicked the front door closed and stepped over her purse on her way to the kitchen.

"I'd better be able to keep some of this down," she warned the oven, as she dumped two bags of groceries on the kitchen table.  

After putting the groceries away, she retrieved her purse and pulled out the literature Dr. Martin had provided. It was placed in a neat pile on the dining table with her glasses and a briefing pad and pen.

The bedroom was the next stop, shoes kicked off, suit exchanged for track pants and sweat shirt. She removed her makeup and clipped her hair so it was off her neck. Tidying the bathroom, her stomach lurched as she discovered a bottle of his cologne.

She sat down on the edge of the bathtub, rolling the bottle over in her hands. Wherever she turned she found something he owned or gave her.

Making a decision, Catherine stood and went back into her bedroom, dropping the bottle on the bed. She grabbed his shirt from the chair in the corner and rifled through the drawers for several items of lingerie. A framed photo from a secret getaway to upstate Nevada joined the pile.

A packing box was retrieved from the hallway closet, his mug from the kitchen, several CDs and ornaments from the lounge room. She carefully wrapped the breakables in the clothes, placing them in the box

Sitting next to the box on the bed, Catherine opened the top drawer of the bedside table. She pulled out a small wooden box. Her fingers traced the carvings on the lid before dropping to the latch and opening it. Cards, letters, photos, small notes, a plastic ring from a bubble gum machine, a length of florist's ribbon. Tears burnt her eyes as she touched the crystal drop resting on her throat. She unlatched the necklace and held it tightly in her hand, before lowering it into the box and closing the lid.

The treasure chest joined the other reminders, coming to a final rest in the back of the hallway closet.

-------

"Sara, could you please get me the case file on the Meiner case, I left it in there? I'm getting some questions on the perimeter." Catherine kept her attention on the papers in front of her.  

"I would, but it might be quicker if you did it yourself."  Catherine looked up and smiled at her visitor.

"You're not Sara." '

"Damn." Terri Miller snapped her fingers as she shut the door.

"I need to work on that disguise. You got a few minutes?" Catherine watched Terri cross to the couch and pat the cushion next to her. 

Ever since she'd met the blonde expert Gil called in almost eight years she had liked the woman. Well not at first when she thought Terri was after Gil but when that turned out to be all office gossip she and Terri had become close friends. Terri knew all along she never stood a chance with Gil, the evidence was simply too strong – he loved Catherine. After Terri and her husband had moved to Las Vegas with their two little girls, Catherine and her had been seeing a lot more of each other. Terri, who besides her science degree had a medical degree, now worked as a volunteer doctor at a clinic in Henderson on her nights off. And she had recently been assigned to the lab on a more regular basis as well.

"I think I can squeeze you in," Catherine joked, before joining her.

"How were France and the romantic getaway?"

"Freezing and wet. They organized floods especially for my visit." Terri patted Catherine's hand.

"How are you?"

"Fine," Catherine answered quickly, wondering what Terri had heard. She recognized that intense mother/doctor look. The lab had been on the receiving end of it at one time or another since Terri had become a regular in the hallways.

"You look like you could do with a good meal."   Catherine attempted to wave off her concern.

"I had the stomach flu a few weeks ago and I've been run off my feet since."

"Come over for breakfast in the morning. We haven't had a girls' talk for a while."  It was next to impossible to say no to Terri.

"I'm not sure what time I'll be able to get out of here."

Terri squeezed her hand before standing and walking to the door.

"Call when you're close to finishing. See you in the morning."   Catherine closed her eyes tightly after Terri left, offering a prayer for her stomach to behave.

"Catherine?"

"Yes, Sara?" Catherine opened her eyes.  

"Can I get you anything?" Sara looked and sounded concerned.   

Catherine stood and moved back to her desk.

" Just the case file from the Meiner case. Thanks." And a one-way ticket out of here, she added silently.

-------

She couldn't put it off any longer.

The day had been reasonably quiet and she'd finished her required work well before 7am. She'd spent the last half-hour reorganizing her desk drawers and throwing out dead pens.

She got into her car and drove to Terri's home not far away from her own. Terri crossed the room, kissing her on the cheek and offering a screwdriver. 

"Orange juice or mineral water if you have it, please?" At Terri's raised eyebrow, Catherine defended herself.

"I've got case files to read later. Crime and alcohol don't mix well."   Catherine spent the next twenty minutes keeping the conversation focused on Terri's trip and upcoming schedule. She deftly steered the talk back to neutral ground every time the subject drifted too close to her.

The sound of the egg timer announced breakfast was ready. Terri led her to the table, remarking,

"One of your favorites if I'm not mistaken."   The aroma hit Catherine as she drew close, causing her stomach to notify her of its intention to vacate the premises. Covering her nose and mouth with her hand, she tried to take several cleansing breaths. Her body didn't cooperate. She only managed to splutter,

"I--I--need--bathroom," before she exited the room and sprinted down the hallway. Doubled over and on her knees, she began to sob between heaves. She flushed the toilet and collapsed, tears running freely.

"Catherine? Can I come in?"   She managed a weak, "Yeah."  

Terri took one look at her and went straight to the sink. She handed Catherine a glass of water and placed a cold damp cloth on the back of her neck.

Catherine rinsed her mouth and then leaned her head back against the wall.

Terri gently stroked strands of wayward hair behind her ear, before cupping her cheek.

"How long?"

"A couple of weeks. Just can't quite shake this flu."

In a no-nonsense tone, Terri replied,

"You know what I mean." 

With a sense of relief, Catherine freed her secret.

"Ten weeks," she whispered.  

"So..." Terri quickly calculated.

"November?"

"Around the 29th."  Terri smiled.

"Might be a Thanksgiving present."

"Hadn't even thought of that. Been too busy throwing up morning and night." Catherine shifted to try and find a more comfortable position on the tiles. She'd lost what little padding her backside had in the last few weeks.

Terri grabbed a towel and folded it, offering it to Catherine.

"That better?" At Catherine's nod she sat down beside her.

"You definitely become intimately acquainted with the bathroom floor." She put her arm around Catherine's back.

"I've spent a few nights sleeping on it," Catherine snorted. She relaxed into the embrace and lowered her head to rest on Terri's shoulder.  

Stroking Catherine's cheek, Terri enquired, 

"What can you eat?"

"Anything plain. I think it was the smell of the bacon that set me off. No sauces, dressings, anything with a strong aroma."

"Plain toast and tea?" She continued after Catherine nodded.

"Sounds good. I'll go and get it started."

Catherine sat up and protested.

"You don't have to eat what I'm having. Someone should enjoy their food."

"And exactly how am I going to enjoy my food if you're struggling not to heave? When I was pregnant with the girls, Peter had to eat whatever I was eating if he wanted to sit at the same table. And there were some things that were banned if I was in the house." 

"Chilli?"

"Actually, I developed quite a hankering for chilli with Isobel." Terri laughed at Catherine's incredulous expression.

"You'll find you have some weird tastes." Standing, she pointed towards the sink.

"There's mouth wash in the cabinet. Come back when you're ready."   Catherine returned to the sitting room five minutes later and was ushered to the couch.  

"Food will be ready in about ten minutes."  Catherine nodded.

"If you want to ask anything, go ahead." Her nervousness was reflected in her constant hand movement and stiff posture.

Terri sat on the seat directly opposite.

"Does anyone else know?"

"Apart from my doctors, no. And I want to keep it that way for a few more weeks." She pursed her lips and shrugged.

"Though now I don't know whether I can. You worked it out and you've barely seen me in the last month."  Leaning across, Terri placed her hand over Catherine's.

"Which is one of the reasons I did figure it out. Plus I've been through this a couple of times, I know the symptoms." Terri continued in a conspiratorial whisper. "Well besides Sara and Sophia, neither of whom don't have kids, most of the people you work with are men. They're not known for their observational powers. In fact, you could probably give birth in the lab and they'd still be oblivious."  Catherine grimaced.

"Thanks for that image!"  

"You'll be able to keep it quiet for a few weeks at least. You're not going to wake up one morning with a suddenly protruding stomach. Have you seen an obstetrician?"  

"I had the first visit on Saturday with Dr. Martin."

"She's good." Terri nodded.

"Any problems?"

"Apart from chronic hypertension that might retard the baby's growth or turn into pre-eclampsia, and a one in seventy chance of Down Syndrome, I'm fine." Catherine's voice began to break between 'retard' and 'chance'. She bit her lip and clenched her fists in a recovery attempt. 

"Catherine." Terri slid onto the floor in front of Catherine and began to rub her arms. In a low soothing tone, she said,

"Let it out, Sweetie."   Catherine shuddered with the suppressed emotions as Terri

moved one hand to caress her cheek.  

"Come on, Sweetie. Let it go."

Shaking her head, Catherine avoided eye contact, until Terri captured her face and forced it. The barriers imploded.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Catherine blurted out, before collapsing into Terri's embrace.

Terri rocked her, while stroking her cheek and whispering encouragement for the emotional purge. The tension trickled from Catherine 's body and she gradually relaxed against Terri.   

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into Terri's shoulder.

"Why? You needed that. Between the hormones and the stress..." Terri shifted so she could look at Catherine.

"Don't you dare be sorry." She placed a hand on either side of Catherine 's face and kissed her forehead, before handing her tissues.

"Now, breakfast is ready and I think we would both feel better after some food."

They ate at a sedate pace, discussing the medical problems and the pros and cons of various tests.  

"I'll call tomorrow to make an appointment for the CVS," Catherine stated, as they returned to the couch.

Terri nodded, taking Catherine 's hand in hers.

"It'll help settle some of your worries. I know it's hard, but you need to try and focus on the here and now, not what-ifs." She paused.

"Do you have someone to share the decisions with?"

"If you're asking whether the father's involved, no, he's not. He doesn't know and I want to keep it that way."

Terri's voice was tinged with concern.

"How are you going to keep it from him? It's going to be pretty obvious in a couple of months."

"I doubt I'll see him again." Catherine felt her face flush hot as she stared at her shoes.

"I met him in a bar, we were both a little drunk and we went back to his hotel room. We only exchanged first names." A chuckle broke free. "Well, we actually exchanged a little more than that." She couldn't look at Terri, didn't want to see her disappointment.

"I'm pretty sure he's from out of town and there must be a few thousand men named Mark with blue eyes out there."    '

Catherine stood and walked over to the fireplace, shocked to see the gaunt and tired stranger in the mirror.

"He didn't sign up for this."

"Neither did you."

She felt Terri beside her, but kept staring straight ahead.

"Why are you going ahead with the pregnancy?"

The ticking of the clock on the mantle pounded into her skull. She fumbled for an explanation before realizing there wasn't one.

"I don't know. It--I mean, I have no qualms about abortion and I've never seriously thought about having more kids." Catherine returned to the couch.

"I was shocked at first, but I haven't considered any option other than having the baby. It just..." She looked up at Terri, trying to find the words. "It just feels right." She raised her hands in confusion.

Terri smiled reassuringly.

"Yeah, it's a bit like that." She settled next to Catherine.

"So, when's your next appointment?"

"I have to see her every two weeks." Catherine was immensely grateful for the change in subject. The next hour was spent discussing various aspects of pregnancy and work.

"You'd better go home to bed, Ms. Willows," Terri joked, after Catherine had yawned for the third time in five minutes.

Catherine rolled her eyes.

"I've never been so tired or slept so much. But no matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired. It was never this bad with Lindsey. But then again I was almost two decades younger"

"They start preparing you for the sleep deprivation early. Do you have any of your old pregnancy books?"

Shaking her head, Catherine replied,

"By now I'd feel more comfortable walking into a shop and buying porn."

"Tell you what, I'll get a couple of the best ones, and," Terri leaned in and whispered,

"I'll deliver them in a plain brown paper bag."

"Thank you," Catherine laughed.

"Thanks for everything."

Terri embraced her.

"When you need to talk, don't hesitate. I'm here for you. Now, go home and get to bed."

"Yes, Mom."

-------


	4. Chapter 4

**An Act Of Omission 3/12**

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

**Chapter 3**

The envelope was heavy in her hands. It contained only a single sheet of paper, but her uncertain future weighed it down.

She'd made the appointment for the end of the day, hoping there would be less chance of interruptions. A brief wave of panic broke over her as she closed the office door behind her, and looked around the room.  

JIm was standing to her left in the office, while Ecklie placed case files on his desk. She's asked to see them both, since they were the ones she was working under. Ecklie closed the last one and greeted her.

"Hi Cath. What can we do for you?"  

She nodded. "Conrad, Jim."  

"Cath sit down, you look a little pale, can I get you something to drink?" Jim asked her.

"Water, thank you." She perched gingerly on a chair opposite Ecklie. Jim handed her a glass and sat down in his office chair. She took several gulps, trying to rehydrate her mouth.  

"Cath?" Ecklie raised his eyebrows in question.

She placed the glass and then the envelope on the low table between them. The men looked at the paper, at each other, and then back to her.

"I hope that isn't what I think it is," commented the Jim.

Cath clasped her hands on her lap.

"If you're thinking it's my resignation, you'd be correct."   

Ecklie leaned forward. "What's going on, Cath?"  

"I'm not saying I am resigning, just that if you want me to, I'm offering. You don't have to ask."

Jim's forehead wrinkled in consternation.

"Why would we ask you to resign, Cath?" 

She'd rehearsed this scene in her mind ever since she'd heard the news. And she still didn't know how to say it. It had been a relief when Terri asked; she hadn't had to repeat those words that had provoked such heartache only a month ago. She wasn't sure she could ever use those exact words again.

Straightening her spine and pushing her shoulders back, she took a deep breath and exhaled the sentence.

"Because in the near future I'm going to become a liability to you and the lab."

"You planning on committing a crime?"

"No, Jim." Just get it over with.

"In six to seven months, I'm going to be needing some time off for maternity leave, with a single mother's benefits."

She watched a multitude of emotions flicker over their faces. Surprise, confusion, pleasure, disappointment...at that instant she picked up the envelope and held it out to Ecklie.

He glanced at it, then at the Jim, before shaking his head. She didn't lower her arm.

Jim reached out and placed his hand on hers. "Put it down, Cath. In fact, take it off the table."  He gave Ecklie a deadly stare.

"Ecklie?" she said.

"I'm not asking for your resignation and I'm not going to accept it." He slipped the envelope out of her hand and placed it on the table beside her.

Maybe he'd only heard the mother part.

"Ecklie, I'm doing this by myself. The father isn't going to be involved in the baby's life."

An expression somewhere between a smile and irritation appeared on his face.

"I'm quite aware of what single means, Catherine."

Pausing, he studied her.

"Do you want to leave? This job will be hard on you. There will be personal attacks."

"I know." She nodded and automatically placed her hand on her abdomen.

"This is a surprise, but no one is going to make me feel ashamed."

Studying Ecklie's face, she tried to get some sense of his analysis of the employee situation. But he was giving nothing away.

"Do you want to leave?" the Jim repeated.

"If I stay, my doctor's ordering me to cut back to normal people hours or she'll confine me to bed rest." Cath was giving them every opportunity to cut her loose.

Ecklie spoke up. "Greg and Sara can take over some of your workload and cover weekends. We can work that out."

"I may need to cut back further and bed rest is still a possibility later in the pregnancy. And I'll need time off for tests and appointments."

She couldn't turn her mouth off.

"I'll probably need to take a nap during the shift and..."

"Cath, stop!" Ecklie ordered.

"No matter how hard you try, you're not going to talk me into asking for your resignation. I'm quite aware that adjustments will be needed. If you remember, I do have two children of my own and Jim has one. We want you to stay. The only question is, do you want to?"

She looked to Jim again, seeking guidance. Ecklie reached over and squeezed her hand to get her attention back.

"Stop trying to get Jim's approval. I'm the AD and I've made the decision. Do you want to stay?"

Catherine breathed deeply, before allowing herself a small smile.

"Yes

They both gave her a reassuring smile.

"Congratulations, Catherine. When is the baby due?" Ecklie asked, the mood lightening with his question.

"End of November, I'm twelve weeks." She allowed her body to relax slightly, leaning back into the chair.

"When are you telling the rest of the team?" Jim inquired.

"I'd like to leave it another two weeks. I'm having a test on Thursday to make sure everything's okay and if it isn't..." She swallowed and fought to contain the worry.

'"There's no point in anyone else knowing if there isn't going to be anything to know. I'd wanted to wait till after the test before I told you, but my doctor insisted that I had to cut back on work now."

Jim's tone was full of concern.

"How serious are the problems, Cath?"

"I have a bit of a high blood pressure and, if it isn't controlled, it could be extremely dangerous for both of us. I saw my obstetrician two days ago and my blood pressure has risen more than she's happy with over the last two weeks."

The two men were listening intently, fathers who understood the joys and tribulations of impending parenthood.

"Hopefully," she continued, "reducing my work hours and getting this test out of the way will help stabilize my blood pressure."

Ecklie shifted forward to sit on the edge of his chair, took her hands in his and rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles.

"We'll help in any way we can, just let us know. I know I take you all for granted, but I deeply appreciate the sacrifices you make for this job, for the lab. Let me do this for you."

She coughed to clear the lump in her throat and blinked back tears. "Thank you, Conrad."

Jim leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Congratulations, Catherine. You're going to be a wonderful mom, well you already are, but with this team around you, this little one will be spoiled with attention."

"I hope so. It feels like so long ago with Lindsey, that it all feels new again to me as well."

Jim grinned. "You'll be fine. You've been dealing with Nick, Greg and Warrick for over six years. A baby will be a picnic. They don't answer back for the first few years and you've got quite the age advantage."

She smiled at Jim, before turning back to ask Ecklie a favor. "Ecklie, if it's all right with you, I'd like to ask Terri Miller to come to the test with me."

"You don't need my approval. You're free to ask Terri whatever you want. I'm assuming she already knows?"

"She's known for nearly two weeks. She invited me over for dinner and I threw up. A bit of a giveaway." Cath smiled gratefully.

"She's been a wonderful support when I've needed it most."

"Well, you've got some added support now."

"Thank you, Jim."  They stood together and Jim, while Ecklie gave her a soft handshake. Pulling apart, CATH looked to Jim, who indicated for the two of them to go to her office.

As they walked down the hall she moved nervously. This was going to be the hard part. Jim alone, at least it was on her turf. While he cared about the team, he also knew about the chemistry between her and Gil, and had probably been thinking his when Gil suddenly left.

The door to her office closed, shutting them in. She remained in front of her desk, maintaining a proud posture. Not that it had done her any good in the past, but it helped her mental preparation.

"Do you want to sit down?"

He shook his head.  

Jim wasn't meeting her eyes. SHe sat down and shuffled a couple of folders on her desk. She had to stop herself from biting her lip as the silence extended.

"Is Gil the father?"  

"I didn't realize that not having his baby was included in the numerous rules this lab has about in office relationships," she snapped.

"God, Jim!"  

"Hey!" He held his hands up.

"I had to ask. I need to know if the father will cause problems."

"I highly doubt it. I don't think he even knew who I was." She shuffled her feet, feeling like a teenager caught breaking curfew.

"I'm sorry for the trouble this is going to cause, but I'm not going to be sorry for being pregnant." Her jaw set in determination and she pointed to her left. "I was looking for your guidance in there, but you weren't giving me anything."

Jim was calm and analytical.

"Ecklie made his decision. But I have the firing ability and if this blows up, the lab has to come first."  

"Yes, Jim." She held the envelope out to him.

"Do you want to keep it on file?"  

He waved it off. "You've got a test on Thursday?"  

"Yeah." Her hand fell back down to her side, the paper scrunching between her fingers.

The skin surrounding his eyes crinkled with concern. "What's it for?"

Her legs were starting to wobble, but it was too late to sit down. 

"It's called chorionic villus sampling. It tests for Down Syndrome and other chromosome problems." 

"Do you need Friday off?"

"No." 

"Right." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, he was just about to turn when he said:

"Let me know what hours you can work and how you want to divide the rest between the resti of the guys." He held the phone to his ear and said:

"You do understand that we will need you for emergencies, no matter when they occur?"

"I understand."  His attention turned to his phone as he walked out the door. 

"Cath."

His head peaked back into her office. Her head rose and she looked at him.

There was that trademark smile. "Congratulations, Kid."  

-------

Goosebumps rose on bare legs, hands clenched and extended, feet wandered.  

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor."  

Cath paused and turned to her companion. 

"I'm the paragon of calm."

"Keep telling yourself that." Terri grinned in return. 

The door opened, admitting Dr. Martin and another woman. 

"Hello, Cath. This is Susan. She'll be helping out with the ultrasound."  

Cath greeted Susan and introduced Terri. 

"Right." Dr. Martin indicated for Cath to sit on the examination couch. "We went over the risks and benefits of the CVS again on Saturday. You understand there is approximately a one percent miscarriage rate attributed to CVS at this center?"  

Cath nodded.  

"And on top of this, at least a two and a half percent background risk. You know the risks and are making an informed decision?"  

"Yes."

"Okay." The doctor handed her a clipboard.

"Read that and if you agree, sign it."   

Cath read, signed, and returned it, before lying down on the couch. Terri took up a position on her left side.

"Your bladder is full?"

"Definitely," Cath snorted.  

"Just need to hold it a bit longer." Dr. Martin smiled. "We'll start with an ultrasound so you'll be able to see your baby. We tend to get really good scans at this point in the pregnancy. Would you like a picture?" 

"Yes, please," Cath replied, as her gown and sheet were adjusted to expose her abdomen. She had tensed in expectation when the gel was squirted on her skin. "I remember it as being incredibly cold."

"Only the premium service here." The transducer began to move over her abdomen.

"I've had a few scans myself and always hated the cold. So I make sure we warm the gel."

Cath reached for the comfort of Terri's hand.

"Okay." Dr. Martin turned the screen towards Cath.

"There's your baby."

Swallowing a sob, Cath touched her child as it moved on the screen. The baby was facing upwards, the entire body visible in profile.

"Amazing, isn't it. Most parents who have a scan this early are surprised by how formed their baby is."

The doctor pointed out some features. "There's the heart, can't see most of the other internal organs at this stage. Spine, arms, legs."

"Can you tell if there's any problems?" Cath asked hesitantly.

"Everything looks normal. We're just going to measure from the top of the head to the tip of the bottom to check dates." Dr. Martin continued to talk as she took themeasurement and her assistant checked a chart.

"Up until twenty to twenty-four weeks, all babies grow at the same rate. And this one is right on average for eleven weeks, as we'd assumed."

Sighing with relief, Cath squeezed Terri's hand and turned to smile at her. She caught a glimpse of confusion before Terri smiled back.

Cath's attention was brought back to Dr. Martin, preventing any analysis or questions.

"I've taken the picture. We'll start the CVS now."

Cath tensed as her feet were placed in the stirrups and an antiseptic solution was applied.

The doctor squeezed her knee. "Cath, you need to try and relax. You should only feel some discomfort similar to a pap smear. If you'd like, I can tell you exactly what I'm doing."

Cat nodded as Terri tightened her hold.

"Okay." She rubbed the metal instrument in her hands. "I'm warming up the speculum. Then, just like in a pap smear, I'll pass it into the vagina so I can see the cervix. Here we go."

Terri's free hand stroked Cath's cheek.

"Look at me."  

"Cath, I have to hold the cervix with forceps, so you may feel a pinching sensation." 

Cath kept her eyes fixed on Terri, as she replied quietly, "Okay."

She winced as the forceps grabbed, and tried to concentrate on the comforting movement of the ultrasound transducer across her abdomen. 

"Right. I'm inserting the catheter, and with Susan's help, I can see it passing through the cervix and I'm now guiding it into the placenta. Can you feel anything?" 

"It's like a light brushing."

"Good. I'm applying suction with the syringe." Dr. Martin paused for a minute. "And now I'm withdrawing the catheter. Susan will check we have enough villi."  

Cath tried to lift her head to see the activity at the other end of the couch. Terri placed her hand on Cath's shoulder to push her back down. 

"We've got enough, Cath."

A held breath blew out through Cath's lips.

"The forceps are letting go and I'm removing the speculum."   

Her legs were taken out of the stirrups and after a few minutes, Dr. Martin appeared at Cath's side. 

"We'll check the pregnancy and the baby's heart beat now." The transducer stroked across her skin again. "And Baby Willows is trying to punch me."  

Cath turned to see the screen, laughing at the image of a tiny raised fist.  

"In about two months you'll be able to feel that fist." Dr. Martin continued her observations. "Everything looks good."  

The transducer was removed and the gel wiped off, before sheet and gown covered up her skin.  

"Can I go to the bathroom?"  

"Not yet." The doctor smiled at Cath's groan.

"You need to lie here for a short time. I'll be back in fifteen to twenty minutes. Here." She handed Cath the ultrasound picture.

"Look at your baby."  

Silence reigned as Cath studied the picture with the concentration and attention to detail usually reserved for crime scene photos.  

"It's real. There's actually a tiny little human in there," she whispered in wonderment. 

"You were expecting a kitten or puppy?" Terri deadpanned from the chair she'd pulled up next to the couch. 

"Stranger things have happened. Though," Cath ran one hand over her stomach, "me being pregnant again is pretty high on the list."  

Terri overlaid Cath's hand with her own. 

"It's all the guys and the lab rats can talk about. They're even more excited than when Britney was pregnant."  

Cath blinked away tears and struggled to find her voice.

"Thank you, Terri. For being here with me, for everything. I never thought it would be so hard doing this alone, and I'm not even a third of the way through." 

"Hey." Terri lapsed into mother tone.

"You're not alone. I'm here whenever you need me. Jim's already making plans to set up a nursery. Ecklie's office is the preferred site."  

Cath burst out laughing.

"Has he told Ecklie?"  

"He wants it to be a surprise." Terris's face softened as she stroked Cath's hair. "And while he may not be showing it, Jim is happy for you. He thinks of you as a daughter. This baby is going to have more grandparents and aunts and uncles than she or he will know what to do with."  Cath couldn't prevent herself from flinching and hoped Terri hadn't noticed. No such luck. 

"I know the attention will be overwhelming and possibly critical at first, but you have a good close relationship with most of the guys."  

She didn't reveal just how close that relationship had been, quickly changing the subject to pregnancy symptoms and milestones. An internal sigh of relief spread through her body with the return of Dr. Martin.  After a quick check over, Cath was helped to a sitting position.  

"Okay. I want you to take it easy for the rest of the day, but you'll be fine to return to work tomorrow." Dr. Martin handed Cath a leaflet.

"That tells you what to look out for. You may have some bleeding, that's very common. If the bleeding continues, or you have pain, a temperature or lose clear fluid, contact me and go straight to the hospital. The results should be back by your next appointment. Think about whether you want to know the sex of the baby."  

Cath's eyes widened in surprise. "I can find out this early, I mean with Linds...?"  

"If you want to. There is a bathroom down the corridor and to the left with your name on it." 

-------

Movement in the doorway caught the edge of her attention, but she didn't raise her eyes from the files on her desk.   

"If you don't stop hovering, Terri..." 

"I've been mistaken for many people, but never Terri"

She looked up, smiling in apology. "Didn't see the hair." 

"Why's Terri hovering?" Warrick entered, closing the door behind him. 

"She's just waiting on me to finish some forms." Cath waved her hand at a random pile of case folders.

"What can I do for you, Wae?"  He stood in front of her desk, rocking nervously on his heels.

"I need to talk to you."  Cath rolled her eyes and let out a resigned sigh. 

"What did you do now?"

"Why do you always expect the worst?" Warrick complained.  

"Because in my experience 'I need to talk to you' never ends well in this building." 

"You are a pessimist and I actually haven't done anything." He placed his hands on her desk and leaned forward.

"It's you I want to talk about."  

Struggling to keep her stomach under control, Cath swallowed and managed to keep her facial expression neutral.

"What have I done?" 

"Have you got cancer?" Warrick blurted, his face betraying his fears.

Cath was stunned mute, before managing to piece together a sentence. "No! What makes you think that?"  

"You've cut back on work, you were away yesterday for some test. Is it something like cancer?" 

"I'm not sick, War." She had no choice. Walking around the desk, she pulled him to the couch and held his hands tight.

"I'm having a baby."  

Warrick Brown was rarely silent. But it took a full minute for his voice to function again.

"You're pregnant?"  

"The two usually go together. I'm twelve weeks, due at the end of November. The test I had yesterday is called a CVS, it's to check the baby's chromosomes."  

"You're having a baby?"  

Cath smiled. "It was a surprise to me too."  

His gaze dipped to her stomach. "I'm going to be an uncle." His eyes returned to her face in a sudden panic. "Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed anything."  

"Of course you're going to be an uncle. This is going to be a much-loved baby." Her voice broke as Cath pulled her into his arms.

"Damn hormones," she whispered into his neck.  

"Congratulations, Mom."  

She laughed as she pulled away and brushed her eyes. "That sounds really weird."  

Warrick grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and handed it to her.

"So, this is the real reason Terri's hovering?"  

"Yeah. She's driving me nuts." Pointing a finger at him, she warned,

"Don't you start, otherwise you will experience the true wrath of pregnancy hormones." 

"Worse than the usual wrath of Catherine Willows?"

At her nod, Warrick held up his hands in surrender.

"I'll be good."  

She snorted. "You really think you can be?" 

"Yeah." He flashed his dimples and placed his hand on top of hers.

"So, who's the lucky guy? I didn't even know you were seeing anybody."

Her years at the French Palace had been a good training ground, helping to perfect her game face. Only a select few could see through it, Jim and--no, that was how she got herself into this situation in the first place. Concentrate and maintain.  

"I'm not. I'm doing this myself." She clasped his hand between hers. 

"So, the uncles are going to be very important role models." 

"Me? A role model?"  

"I don't know what I'm thinking. Must be true that pregnancy clouds the senses." Cath smiled at him, before adopting a serious tone. 

"I need you to keep quiet about this. I'm not ready to broadcast it." Warrick nodded. 

"Who knows?"  

"Ecklie, Jim, Terri. And of course my mother. I'll tell Sophia, Nick and Sara later today. I'd wanted to wait until I got the test results, just in case."  

"Sorry. When do you get them?" 

"Don't be sorry for caring." She brushed her hand across his cheek. "Hopefully the results will be ready next Saturday."  

A knock at the door prevented further discussion. 

"Yeah?"  

The door opened to reveal Terri.  

"Cath, there's a piece of evidence you need to take a look at." 

"Okay, thanks." Cath waited for the door to close again before standing. She noticed Warrick examining her abdomen and ran her hands over the area.

"Just a tiny bump at the moment. However, my breasts are really making a run for it." 

Warrick wrinkled his nose as he stood. "I really didn't need to know that." 

"You're not going to volunteer to be my birthing coach?"  

"I'll stick to Uncle. Less messy."  Cath grinned.

"Dirty diapers, baby puke and drool."

Visibly blanching, he replied, "I'll have my lawyer draw up an exception clause to be inserted in the Uncle contract." 

"Get out." 

-------

Sorry about the long wait – but with Christmas and all... but back now – Thanks for the reviews, make me so happy and very motivated, so if you want more – if you really do, you know what to do!


	5. Chapter 5

**An Act Of Omission 4/12**

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

**Chapter 4**

Cath looked over her living room once more. No incriminating evidence in sight.  

Nick and Sara had reacted much the same as Warrick, with excitement and little questioning. Sophia wouldn't be as pliable; telling her away from the office seemed the wisest course of action.  

She was bringing takeout for dinner. The worst of her all-day sickness had passed and she was back to eating practically anything. She was also starting to regain the weight she'd lost, much to her doctor's relief.  

Hopefully Sophia wouldn't be too suspicious; dinner together wasn't an unusual occurrence. Though if Warrick had noticed something was going on...  

That line of thought was temporarily derailed by a knock at the door.   

Discussion over dinner was restricted to work and mutual friends. She ate well, even with the growing tension in her body.   

"So, is it time now?" Sophia grumbled, tossing her napkin onto her plate.

"Time for what?" she asked, keeping her eyes on a broken fortune cookie discarded on a small pile of rice. The message had not been encouraging. 'The truth may be painful for the teller, but liars are punished many times.'

Sophia's fingers drummed impatiently on the table top.

"Time for you to tell me whatever it is that you drug me over here to tell me."

Standing up, Cath began gathering up the leftovers.

"Does there have to be a problem for us to have dinner?" she stalled, still undecided whether to go with Plan A or Plan B. Plan A was the speech she'd used on Warrick, Nick and Sara. Plan B was to just throw the ultrasound picture at her and hit the floor before the explosions started. Surely there had to be another option. Damn that fortune cookie anyway.  

Sophia pushed back from the table and brought her wine glass to her lips.

"We've hardly had dinner together in the last two months." 

"We've been busy." She took a quick sip of her orange juice, hoping she wouldn't press that particular issue.

She returned to her initial questioning.

"Is it Sam? Or Lindsey?"  

"No. Sam's the same, Lindsey's fine too" she said, stacking the used dishes and carrying them into the kitchen. She called back, "Do you want coffee?" 

"If it's not your father, what's wrong? You've cut back on work this week." 

"Coffee?" she repeated, hiding in the kitchen.  

"Forget the damn coffee, Cath," Sophia scrolled her, appearing in the doorway behind her. She continued to measure the beans into the fancy coffee maker, as Sophia added, 

"Quit stalling. Just tell me."

Adding water to the machine, she took a deep breath. She was right. It was time. Sophia had quickly become her best friend. She'd understand, eventually. Fingering the scan in her pocket, she decided to go with Plan B.

"Take a look at this," Cath calmly demanded, handing Sophia her baby's first photograph.

"I'm going down to the corner to pick up some cream for the coffee. I'll take limited questions when I get back."

"You're giving me a case briefing?" she heard Sophia mutter, as the front door slammed shut behind her.

With her long strides, the round trip normally took five minutes. She tripled the time, debating the merits of two brands of cream, and trying to foretell her next craving.

She headed straight for the kitchen on arriving home, setting up mugs and sundries on a tray.

"Should you be drinking that?"

"I have an obstetrician, thank you." She closed her eyes for a few seconds. Calm down, she doesn't deserve to have her head bitten off. In a softer tone, she continued,

"I'm allowed two cups a day. This is the second."  

Sophia picked up the tray, cutting her off before she could protest. "I know you're capable. Grab the cookies."

Cath trailed behind her friend into the living room, claiming the single chair while Sophia settled on the couch. The scan lay on the coffee table next to the tray.

"When was it taken?" Sophia handed her a mug as she spoke.  

She clasped both hands around the mug in an effort to keep them steady. "Yesterday. I'm twelve weeks, due end of November."

"When did you find out?" Her tone was calm and even.  

She hadn't looked at her face since her return, relying instead on her voice to gauge her reactions.

"Early April. I'd wanted to wait until I was safely into the second trimester before I told anybody, but it hasn't worked out that way."

The cogs turning in Sophia's brain were practically audible as she stared into her coffee. She sneaked a look at her finding her mouth pursed. No, please don't go there.

"And he moved to the other side of the country," Sophia growled.

Cath tried to sound nonchalant.

"Who are you talking about?"

"Grissom." Sophia managed to make it sound like a curse.

"What the hell is it with you and Jim?"

She slammed her mug down on the table. "'Gil's the only one who's paid me any attention over the last couple of years, so it must be him? No one else could find me attractive?"

"Cath--"  She wasn't going to let her speak.

"For your information, though it's none of your damn business, the father's name is Mark." A snort erupted at her questioning expression. "Yes, Sophia. I'm working my way through the Lab. Greg is next."

She looked slightly abashed. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone. Why haven't you mentioned this Mark?"

"I only saw him for one night."

"You know his surname?" Sophia took her silence as a negative.

"You're damn lucky he didn't followed you home."

Cath stood and walked over to the bookcase. "I don't think he'd even know how to. He was pretty drunk."

"Obviously not too drunk."  

She turned her head and glared at her. 

"Just be happy I waited until after the Supervisor crisis to get knocked up."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Sophia rose and began to pace, her hand rubbing her head. "Were you thinking at all? You're the face of this lab, not Ecklie, you're politics, and you know it. You can't go out picking up men, just like that."

"Thank you, Sophia. I didn't realize that." Her voice dropped to an almost accusatory tone. 

"I was drunk and horny. And you know better than anyone what a bad combination that is."

"So you screwing a stranger is somehow my fault?" Sophia asked in amazement. 

"Didn't you take any notice of the sexual assault in our recent cases? If you're going to sleep around, at least use condoms. They help prevent mistakes." Her hand gestured towards her stomach.

It would have hurt less if Sophia had hit her. She was finding it hard to breathe and had to speak in short bursts.

"Don't you--don't you ever--call my child a mistake. You know where the door is."

She walked quickly to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Sobs exploded from within, the wall the only thing keeping her upright. Her stomach gave her just enough warning to make it to the toilet.

After flushing the toilet, she felt around on the sink for a hair clip. Nothing. Must be in the mirrored cabinet and there was no way she could stand.

"What do you need?"

"Hair clip." She pointed to the cabinet, before tearing off toilet paper and blowing her nose.

"Thanks."

She clipped her hair back and rinsed her mouth with the water Sophia handed her, before leaning against the bath.

"Do you want to get up?"

Cath shook her head. "I just need to stay here for a while. You can go. I'll be fine." She lifted her chin in defiance.

She didn't reply, instead moving to sit on the edge of the bath beside her. Her hand began to stroke her hair and she slowly relaxed, her head coming to rest against her knee. 

Five minutes of comfortable silence later, she felt ready to stand. But her stomach protested the increase in altitude and she was once again hanging over the toilet. Sophia rubbed her back as she threw up the remnants of the day's meals. After several dry heaves she indicated for her to help her up.

"You sure?"

"I'll be fine now. There's nothing left." Standing with her support, she brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face.

She offered her privacy by fetching a glass of ginger ale, while she changed into blue pajamas and crawled under the covers.

"Drink that, and this is if you need to be sick again." Sophia held up a plastic container, before placing it on the bedside table.

She shifted across to let her sit on the bed. "Thanks, Mom."

"Does she really know yet?"

She shook her head as she sipped the ginger ale.

"After I get the test results, I'll ask Ecklie about taking a couple of days off to go over and see her. Linds is visiting her at the moment. And," Cath's voice began to break,

"I really need a cuddle from my mom."

Sophia took the glass out of her hand and put it next to the container, before pulling Cath to her. Cath rested her head on her shoulder and sobbed quietly.

"I'm starting to make a habit of this." Cath smiled weakly and grabbed a couple of tissues from the bedside table.

Sophia studied the blanket and coughed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." She met her eyes hesitantly.

"I'm worried about you."

Cath placed her hand over hers and squeezed.

"And I didn't want you to be disappointed in me." She shook her head.

"We've known each other for way too long."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." She was surprised by the certainty in her voice.

Sophia accepted it as given. "Do Ecklie and Jim know?"

"I told them Monday on doctor's orders. Jim's planning nurseries and Ecklie's...Ecklie." Pausing, she tried to work out how to ask Sophia.

She started nervously. "You don't need to answer now, you've got six months to decide. And I totally understand if you say no--"

"I would like some sleep before work tomorrow," Sophia grumbled.

It came out in a rush. "Would you be the godmother of my child?"

"I'd be honored." She sandwiched her hand between hers as she yawned.

"You'd better get some sleep."

"Everyone hovering is going to drive me nuts." Cath slid down under the covers until she was completely horizontal.

"Get used to it. I'll stay till you fall asleep." Sophia put her hand over her mouth.

"And don't bother protesting. Doesn't work on me."

She rolled her eyes before closing them. "You are a pain in the ass, Ms Curtis."

-------

"You've seen Dr. Martin?" were Terri's words of greeting on a Saturday afternoon.

"Hello, Terri. How are you?" Cath teased as she entered the sitting room.

"Can I get in the door first?"

Terri closed the door behind them. "Hello, Cath. I'm fine. And no."

They exchanged kisses, before Terri led her to the couch. "You've seen Dr. Martin?"

Cath laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't crash my appointment."

"I considered it." Terri grinned.

"From your mood, I'd say it's good news."

"All clear," Cath replied, nodding.

"There could still be problems, of course, but Down Syndrome and a whole lot of other things are ruled out."

Terri squeezed Cath's hands.

"That's wonderful, Cath. A huge worry off your shoulders."  

"She still isn't happy with my blood pressure, but hopefully it'll start to stabilize now. And in the next couple of weeks my weight should be in the normal range." 

"Orange juice?" Terri rose and poured two glasses.

"Anything else?"

"No, that was it. Thanks." Cath took a sip, feeling Terri's questioning gaze on her, but determined to string her out a little longer.

"How's your week been?"

"Quiet. Couple of meetings, organizing a convention for next week. How's the hovering going?"

"They're learning to be more discreet about it. Warrick, and Jim are the worst, while Sophia just comes straight out and asks." Cath rolled her eyes.

Terri laughed. "Well, all we need now is the sex of the baby and they'll all go crazy again."

"I'll check with the lab. I hope Sam wasn't counting on a grandson." Cath waited for the reaction.

Realization took a minute, a smile spreading across Terri's face.

"As much as he complains, he adores being surrounded by his girls. She will be the new Princess "

"I thought that was mine or Lindsey's title." Cath pouted.

"At least it's staying in the family."

Terri studied her reactions.

"You happy about it?"

"Yeah. I hadn't give much thought to the sex, too worried about the tests. And I wouldn't have minded either way." Cath felt tears trying to escape at the image of a smart-for-her-age child with brownish curls sitting at the feet of Jim or Nick by playful blue eyes.

"I like the idea of another daughter. My daughter." She rubbed her hand over her stomach and nodded.

Terri stretched and placed her hand on Cath's.

"If you ever need any advice, I've had a little experience with daughters," she commented dryly.

"Only a little?" Cath grinned and lifted her eyebrows.

"So, what's next?"

"A blood test for spina bifida around seventeen weeks, then the normal ultrasound at eighteen to twenty. Dr. Martin thinks I might need a couple more after that to check she's growing properly."

"And when are you going to tell the father?"

The furniture was fortunate she didn't have a mouthful of juice.

"Even if I knew his surname and where he lived, I wouldn't be telling him. He's not a part of this."

"I'm not talking about Mark." Terri emphasized the name.

"I mean the real father."

Cath struggled to maintain her composure and silently cursed Terri's damn intuition.

"Mark is the real father."

"How pregnant are you, Cath?"

"Thirteen weeks." Keep the voice steady and certain.

"Then how were you eleven weeks when you had the CVS a week ago?"

"Is that what this is about? A week?" Cath stood and walked over to pour herself more juice. Gesturing with the glass, she continued. "It's just a case of rounding. I was about eleven and a half weeks when I had the test and I'm just on thirteen now."

"So you're due?"

"November 29. I've already told you." Cath had known Terri long enough to recognize the facial expression.

"You don't believe me." It was a statement, not a question.

Terri rose and approached her.

"No, I don't. There's something else worrying you--"

"Really?" Cath's defensive shutters slammed down and her voice rose.

"An unplanned pregnancy, the threat to my job and the future of the lab, what my blood pressure might do to my daughter, that's not enough?"

"Cath--"  She thumped the glass down and stalked over to the couch to retrieve her handbag.

"I've got things to do. Thank you for the juice, Terri."

Terri couldn't be put off that easily.

"Medically--"

"You're not licensed to give medical advice," Cath snapped. She didn't need to see the flinch; she felt it from halfway across the room.

But Terri's voice remained firm and determined.

"Medically speaking, it's best for you and the baby--"

Cath swung around to face her. "You really want to know how monumentally screwed up my life is? How it's more acceptable for everyone to believe that my daughter's father is some arbitrary male I picked up at a bar and fucked, instead of..."

Censoring herself, she sank onto the couch as her legs gave way.

"Gil?" Terri knelt in front of her, tilting Cath's chin up with her hand.

"This is between us, I'm not going to tell anybody. You need to talk about this, before it eats away at you."

"He was so excited about being a father," she whispered, her eyes fixed on a point over Terri's left shoulder.

"I nearly didn't...but then he mentioned our jobs and I had to lie." Her gaze met Terri's. "He crumbled in front of me."

"And he left."

"He said he couldn't watch me pregnant with another man's child." She covered her stomach with her hands.

"Is there a Mark?"

"No, I never cheated on Gil. I just broke his heart." Her hands fell clenched into her lap, thumbs rubbing against each other.

"I want to go back and stop those words, but I know if I had to do it over I would still say them."

Terri pulled herself up onto the couch beside Cath.

"You can tell him the truth."

Cath shook her head violently.

"Nothing's changed. His, our careers would be destroyed, I would lose all credibility, the lab's policy on relationships--it's going to be difficult enough with me being a single mother of two, but if it came out I was sleeping with someone from the company pond--" She worried her bottom lip between her teeth.

"I've already lied to everyone."

Terri overlaid Cath's hands with her own, stilling the motion.

"How long were you and Gil together?"

"Nearly five months. Started just after Nicky was kidnapped. I wanted a life of my own and he was there, he was always there." She laughed, not with humor or sadness, but lost somewhere in between.

"I'm making it sound like he was arbitrary. He wasn't, he's always been my choice." Her voice and eyes begged for understanding. Maybe then someone could explain it all to her heart.

Terri reassured her with a nod and a hand squeeze.

Cath's gaze refocused on the hands in her lap.

"Before he left, he told me that he'd been about to interview for a supervisor position in San Francisco, so there wouldn't be any question of conflict of interest."

"You could've told him the truth then."

"How? He was pissed as hell, he probably wouldn't have believed me."

Cath stood and started to pace between the couch and the mantle piece, her hands gesturing in support of her words.

"And everybody would've known. I could play with a week, but nearly two months? How could I hide that?"

Terri remained seated. "So, it is a week?"

Cath faced the wall. It was time to level with her. "I'm due December 6. Twelve and a half weeks."

"Why a week earlier?"

"Gil was away." What a stroke of luck that had been.

"So you conceived when he got back."

Cath snorted. "Twenty-odd years of being sexually active and my diaphragm picks now to fail. The timing couldn't have been better."

Terri was silent for a minute before asking, "Are you ever going to tell him?"

She shrugged and lowered herself to sit on the hearth. "Maybe when Lindsey goes to college."

"So you're going to present him with a three-year old?" Terri captured her gaze and held it.

"Do you really think that's fair?"

"Fair?" Cath exploded, rearing to her feet.

"None of this is fucking fair. It's not fair that I'm not trusted to do my job. Because you know women will let their love lives override their professional obligations." She pointed in the direction of the a pile of case files.

"Nick dated a homocide victim, then there was Warrick and that stripper, and no one even blinked. But the slightest look between Gil and I--I never even kissed him up until ... We had better things to talk about than our damn jobs."

Terri rose and approached, but Cath held her hands up and stepped out of her path. She didn't want comfort; there was still anger to burn.

"It's not fair that she won't have her Daddy around, that Gil won't know his daughter and thinks I don't love him and was only in it for the sex." She turned and hit the mantle piece with her fist, pain radiating up her arm. The physical was preferable to the emotional.

"It's not fair I had to make this choice." Thumping it again, she leaned her forehead against the ledge and tried to muffle a sob.

"Shhhh." Terri rubbed her back and stroked the battered fist.

"It's going to be okay."

Cath shook her head, before turning her tear-stained face towards Terri.

"No, it's not. Making him leave was the hardest thing I've ever done. After he left, I spent the rest of the night and the next day hanging over the toilet. Remembering that look on his face...it still makes me feel sick."

"Cath." Terri placed the palm of her hand on Cath's cheek, the thumb caressing.

"If you've made the decision not to tell him the truth, you need to move on."

"How?" she begged. "I feel him touching me and kissing me and holding me. I feel him inside me and then..." A sob broke her voice. "And then I open my eyes."

"Come and sit down." Terri led her to the couch, holding her hands when they settled.

"I won't pretend it's going to be easy. But for your health and your daughter's life, you have no choice. This level of emotional stress can't continue. When you're upset or can't stop thinking about him, I want you to come and talk to me and cry on my shoulder. I'm your outlet. Okay?"

"Okay." Maybe with Terri's help she could do this. "I've been writing him notes in the pregnancy diary you gave me." The question was in her tone.

Terri smiled. "That's a good idea. It's a way of getting the stress out. You can't internalize any more."

Cath bit her lip while nodding. Not trusting her voice to hold together, she whispered, "Is that shoulder available now?"

With tears in her own eyes, Terri clasped Cath's face and kissed her on the cheek.

"Of course, Sweetie. Let it out."

-------


	6. Chapter 6

An Act Of Omission 5/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 5

Each mile she put between herself and San Francisco released an ounce of pressure from around her heart. Landing at SFO, she'd panicked, expecting to see him around every corner. She knew logically the chances were close to negligible, but the city felt infused with his presence.

Her foot itched to press the gas pedal flat to the floor, to escape the guilt, to stop her heart from hijacking her body and taking her to confess.

With up to two hours of driving ahead of her, she'd tuned the car radio to a talk station. Arguing with the moron of an announcer and his groupies kept her brain at least partially distracted. She'd chosen the more scenic route over the Golden Gate Bridge and north through Marin County, giving her ten extra miles to prepare for seeing her mother and Lindsey, who was visiting her. Swinging left off Highway 37 and onto Highway 121 North, her stomach and bladder demanded a stop. She should have eaten lunch when she got off the plane, but couldn't bear to stay in San Francisco any longer than absolutely necessary.

If she remembered correctly, there was a large winery with the required amenities on the right. She spotted a sign and minutes later turned into the parking area. After a dash to the toilet, she bought lunch and settled herself in the picnic area. The sky was a clear, deep Californian blue, the sun warm on her back. This was a proper summer, not the fetid swamp that was Vegas. She was beginning to wonder how she'd be able to cope with July and August. Her thermostat was already running above normal and, from what the books said, it was only going to get worse.

She could always move closer to her mother. There'd be jobs in San Francisco, she could be close to--  Cath shook the thought out of her head. She'd made her choice, she had to get on and live with it.

She ran her hand over her abdomen, the slight rounding only just discernible to the touch. Would her mother take one look at her and know? Her brand new breasts would probably give the secret away. They'd managed to defy her weight loss. Wonder what Gil would think--  She threw her balled-up wrappers at the trash can, the clatter disrupting that direction of thought. Time to get back on the road and stop thinking.

It was just after two-thirty when she pulled into the drive of her mother's new house. She'd hoped to have a minute to fortify herself but Linds was sitting on the front porch. She looked puzzled initially at the unfamiliar vehicle, a smile spreading across her face as she recognized her.

"Mom!," she called, as she descended the steps and approached the car.

Cath took a deep breath, undid her seat belt, and stepped out into Lindsey's arms.

"Hi, Linds." She kissed her on the cheek before resting her head against on Lindsey's hair. It was reassuring to just to feel Lindsey's smaller arms wrap aournd her waist.

"Where's your bag?"  

She pointed her to it and turned to see her mother on the porch. A raised eyebrow informed Cath of maternal suspicions. Lindsey's arm interlinked with hers, pulling Cath towards the steps. 

"Look what I found, Grandma. She says she's one of ours."  

Cath smiled as she hugged her mother briefly and let Lindsey lead her inside.

"You had lunch? You're too skinny."

"Yes, Mom. I stopped at one of the wineries."

"We'll feed you up while you're here." Lindsey came over and gave her a kiss on the cheek and then she turned to take her bag upstairs.  

"She looks good, thanks for this, she has really been looking forward to spending some time with you" Cath stated to her mother.

Lily Flynn nodded. 

"We've had a wonderful time, especially since she knew you were coming." She pulled Cath into a cuddle, Catherine felt herself relax into her mother's arms.

"Cath you've really lost weight, are you sure you don't want some lunch. Don't roll your eyes. I'm your mother, I'm allowed to nag." 

Cath laughed. "That x-ray vision is still working." She leaned back, their arms still around each other. Cath had inherited her Sam's fierceness, but her eyes were all her mother's. And those eyes were asking questions she didn't want to answer yet.  

Lindsey's happy return delayed the inevitable. They talked for a few hours, Cath deftly steering the conversation from getting too close. Until her Lindsey went upstairs to chat to her friends online. Lily suggested a walk.  

A cool breeze and the later hour had lowered the temperature a little, though it was still pleasantly warm.  

Cath slipped her hand into her mother's and asked in a quiet voice,

"How are you doing out here?" 

"I'm okay. There's bad days and good days." The strain was evident in her voice.

"The good days are getting more frequent though." 

"How are you?" Cath pulled her mother to a halt and squeezed her hand.  

"I'm fine."

"Liar." She draped her arm across Lily's shoulders as her mother's arm slipped around her waist, and they resumed walking.

"I should be here more."

"Don't, Catherine. We already had this fight, I'm not your responsibility," Lily replied sternly.

"A visit like this means a lot."

"Book me in for Christmas."

"Tentative?"

"Certain." 

It was time.

"And you'll need an extra stocking."

"Pink or blue?" There was little surprise in her mother's words.

"As long as it isn't too pink." Cath matched her mother's smile.

"The breasts gave it away."

"I didn't think you'd had time for implants."

Cath bit her lip. "I'm surprised the rumor mill hasn't started."  

"It'll be a while longer before most people notice. I'm your mother remember." She paused.

"Do we need an extra adult stocking?"  Cath tried to keep her voice steady but firm.

"No." 

"Okay." They stopped and Lily placed her hands on either side of Cath's face.

"You happy?" 

"Yeah." Cath grinned. "More than a little shocked, but yeah."

"So." Lily lowered herself to the grass. "When do I get to meet my new granddaughter?"

Cath kicked off her shoes and joined her mother, stretching out her legs. "End of November."

Her mother's gaze fell to her stomach and Cath leaned back on her hands.

"You'd be what? Just into second trimester?"

Cath nodded. "14 weeks." She ran one hand over her abdomen, smoothing the material. "I can barely tell myself."

Lily placed her hand on top of Cath's and worriedly asked,

"Morning sickness?"

"It was really bad for over a month, but it's only occasional now and I'm putting the weight back on. Should be within the normal range in a couple of weeks."

"Apart from that, how are you doing?" Lily stroked the palm of her hand across her granddaughter's corner of the world.

The motion over her skin and the quiet sweetness of the surroundings drew Cath into her first real moment of calm since her pregnancy was confirmed. She laid her head back on the grass, releasing the tension from her muscles as she fell into the sky.

"I'm good."

And for that sliver of time she was.

Lily lay down beside her, shoulders touching, fingers entwined. No sound except for their breathing, leaves moving, and a low distant hum.

Her tiny daughter suckling at her breast; ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes. The smallest nails. Red mop of hair.  Out of her arms and crawling. Holding her hands for her first steps. Running and throwing her arms around Cath's neck. Choking. Giggling. Whispering her name.  

Lilys eyes. Cath's eyes. The third generation. Long red curls.  Peek-a-boo. Can't see you. Can now.  His eyes. Cold. Accusing.  Why?  Why did you do this to me?  I didn't want to.  But you did.  I would have given anything.  But you didn't.  Backing, pulling away. Turning. Running. Jumping.  Into his arms.

Two pairs of his eyes.  Deceitful bitches aren't allowed to be mothers. Ecklie just moved you into Supervisor.  I did this for you. To protect you.  Really? You love me?  Yes.  You never said.  I love you.  And yet you took my daughter away. I love you too.  No. You can't take her. I'm her mother.  You're not my mommy.  No.  You're not a mother.  No.  Cath.  Don't leave me, Gil. Cath.

Hands holding her back. Need to follow. Can't let them out of her sight.  Don't take her away from me. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do.

Cath.  Don't leave me.  Catherine. Wake up.  Hand on cheek. Darkening sky. Chilled air.  It's okay, Sweetie.  Baby. Can't see the baby. Where is she?  You were dreaming.  He has her. Have to go to San Francisco.  

"Catherine Flynn. Wake up now."

The combination of forceful voice and firm hands roused Cath. She sat up immediately, folding her arms across her stomach. The world was still tilting.

A hand brushed her hair back and forced her head to turn. Eyes. Her mother's.

"It's okay. No one's leaving you."

As images from the dream flashed through her mind, Cath searched for her game face. Fumbling in her application, she tried to stand too quickly. Lily grabbed Cath's arm to steady her, guiding her back down to the grass.

"Sit still, Catherine. Let yourself wake up."

Cath pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned her chin on them as her mother rubbed her back.

"Want to talk about it?"

Still a little woozy, but needing to extract herself before her mother pushed too hard, Cath stood gingerly.

"Linds will be wondering where we got to."

She held out her hand to Lily, pulling her up before starting off in the direction of home. Her body was stiff, her eyes focused straight ahead.

Lily got the message and the silence held until the house was within sight.  

Cath halted, unsure. "When should I tell her?"

"Leave it till tomorrow. Let her enjoy being just you and her for tonight."

"How..." Cath sought out her mother's eyes.

"How is she going to react?" She winced at the childish tone and the threatening tears.

Lily reached out and brushed her hair back behind her ear.

"She wants you to be happy. That's all she and I have ever wanted for you." Her hand cupped Cath's cheek.

"Just give her some time."

Cath sniffed and squared her shoulders.

"Yeah."

"Come on. You need feeding."

-------

It all fell apart when Lindsey asked excited about a wedding date.

She watched the excitement and joy at the prospect of a baby sister melt away, replaced by silent disapproval.

Family and friends said she was her father's daughter and in many ways she was. But in terms of anger and disappointment, she reacted like her mother. She tried to explain why Lindsey wasn't getting the family she so longed for but nothing helped. Eventually, she found herself so frustrated she told a teary Lindsey to go to her room.

Waves of claustrophobia lapped around her. She needed to get out, be anywhere but here.

Ascending the stairs to her bedroom two at a time, she grabbed her handbag before stumbling back down, out the door and to the car.

She had no idea where she was going; she just turned right from the driveway and drove straight for as long as there was road. Tuning the radio to a rock station, she sang along, ignoring the ringing from her bag. She alternated between turning left and right into whichever side street looked interesting, resulting in a couple of u-turns when she came to dead ends.

After glancing at the gauge, she looked for the next gas station, finding one ten minutes later. She pulled in, turned off the engine and grabbed the ringing cell phone out of her bag.

"I'm okay, Mom."

It took a few minutes to assure her mother she wasn't going to do anything stupid and she'd be back for dinner.

As long as she could find her way back. She realized she was slightly lost as she pumped gas. The terrain didn't appear at all familiar.

Cath asked for a map and her present location when she paid for the gas, a bottle of water and a bag of potato chips. The attendant looked at her with a condescending smirk and questioned her travel plans. She replied with her death glare and he wisely gave her only the information she'd requested.

Back in the car, a quick perusal of the map showed a picnic area further up the road that would do.

There was only one other car present when she pulled in. Three young children played tag around a picnic table as their parents watched.

Cath's hand came to rest on her abdomen and she blinked away tears. Maybe this wasn't such a good place to stop.

'Snap out of it,' she ordered herself. 'You can't avoid families for the rest of your life.'

She grabbed the bottle and bag and forced her hand from her body to the door handle. Choosing a tree away from the family, she settled down on the grass and leaned back against the trunk.

Her eyes closed and she breathed deeply and slowly, trying to restore some sense of calm. She'd partly expected that reaction from Lindsey but it didn't make it hurt any less. Her mother was right, give her time. Get her to concentrate on the new baby sister angle, rather than the missing father and family.

"Daddy!"

A young girl's shout forced her eyes open. Cath turned her head to see the father tipping his daughter upside down, her delighted squeals competing with the clamoring of the other two children.

Tears threatened again and she looked away, attempting to stifle them. She needed to stop thinking about it, about him. But she had no idea how to exorcise the ghosts.

The back of her head thudded against the bark and she stared at the mosaic of blue and green above her. How could she stop thinking about him when a reminder was growing within her? When everything around her triggered memories or visions of an impossible future?

Making love fully clothed under a tree in a reckless moment, fears of discovery at the rest stop magnifying their arousal. Hours of driving to find an out-of-the-way place for a rare relaxing weekend. Sharing the paper and breakfast on the occasional lazy Sunday morning in bed, Gil reading from scientific magazines and quizzing them on nonsense knowledge.

His voice. She was forgetting what he sounded like. She could barely hear the teasing lilt; the guttural moan of her name as he climaxed; the soft whispered endearments.

Her soundtrack of him consisted of their last conversations on loop. Anger, hurt, betrayal.

The cell phone was in her hand, the stored numbers scrolling up the screen and stopping at his. Her thumb hit the call button before she could stop it.

He'd probably changed the number. She nearly dropped the phone when she heard his voice, recovering as she realized it was his voice mail message.

She disconnected after the beep and called again. This time she'd listen carefully, commit the sound of him to memory. Even the bland message was better than the current recording lodged in her brain.

"Hello. Gil Grissom speaking."

Shit. Cath only just managed to stop herself from replying. She held her breath.

"Hello? Anybody there?"

Hang up. Hang up. Her fingers wouldn't follow her brain's directions.

"Hello? Cath?"

Hell. He must have checked the caller id. What to do...hang up or fake an explanation?

"Hey, Gil. Sorry. I must've hit the wrong number." She winced at the waver in her voice.

"Okay." His tone was flat.  She couldn't just hang up now.

"How's the new job going?"

"It's great. Different." He paused. She could picture the forced cheerfulness on his face.

"How are you?"

"Good."

"And the baby?" He barely got the last word out.

"She's fine." Cath grimaced at the slip as she heard Gil's muted gasp. In the last few days she'd started thinking of the baby as she rather than it.

His barely contained tears were audible.

"A girl."

"Yeah," she whispered, turning to watch the daughter riding on her father's shoulders.

Gil was a girl's daddy.

"Congratulations. You'll have someone to pass your evening dress collection onto."

"Thanks."

Gil cleared his throat with a nervous cough.

"I have to go and do this thing."

"Okay." Before he could cut her off, she pleaded, "Gil."

"Yeah?"  What to say?

"I'm sorry." 

"So am I."  

And she was left with the dial tone. 

-------

The night air was cool on her bare arms. Hopefully the change of scene would make her sleepy.

Cath sat down on the top step of the back porch, leaning against the railing. Images and voices swirled around in her brain making it impossible to relax.

At least Lindsey had talked a little to her during dinner. No mention of the baby, but it was a start.

"You okay?"

Cath looked up as her mother's hand came to rest on her shoulder. She placed her own hand on top and squeezed.

"Sorry. I tried to be quiet." 

"I was awake anyway." Lilt sat beside her.

"She'll come around, Sweetie."

"Will she?" Cath snorted. "Here I am, 42 years old and all I need is a 12 year-olds rage to crash my entire world." 

Lily cupped Cath's cheek.

"Doesn't matter how old we are. Show her the ultrasound. She won't be able to resist."

"I hope so."

"I remember what it was like back when I met Sam"

"Mom..:"

No let me tell you this."

"Okay"

"He was so excited, at least at first. Well, never mind. But the point is that he always loved you Catherine. No matter what you think. And all he'd...I mean we'd want is for you to be happy..."

The stars were brilliant against the darker skies. Peaceful. Silent. Old friends.

"Do you love him?"

Cath turned to her mother in confusion.

"Of course I do. I understand why Sam would be disappointed in me and my life, but since he is no longer..." Lily shook her head.

"Not your father. Your daughter's father."

Game face on. Breathe. Calm.

"I barely know him." Cath's gaze drifted back to the sky.

"Where did you meet?"

"In a bar."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I picked him up and went back to his hotel room. Didn't even ask his last name."

Her mother's silence was more damning than any reply.

Cath couldn't contain her defensiveness.

"It's not my first one night stand."

"I'm not naïve, Catherine. But you can't even look at me when you say it."

Cath locked eyes with her mother. "I picked him up and screwed him and haven't seen him since."

Lily laughed. Not a chuckle, but a fully-fledged belly laugh.

"Oh, Catherine. Trying to shock me won't get you anywhere. I know you and I know that expression. Just haven't seen it so vehement since you were five and swore up and down to me that you hadn't been into the chocolate cake. The only problem was the icing on your face and clothes." She brushed Cath's cheek with the back of her fingers.

"I didn't believe you for one moment then and I certainly don't now. Lie to yourself if you want to, just don't think you're fooling me."

Uncertain whether to be angry or embarrassed, Cath turned away and focused on her feet.

"When you're ready to talk, you know where I am."

The porch boards creaked under Lily's step. Another person she loved walking away from her. Would her daughter follow as soon as she was able?  Her chest tightened, her breath coming in gasps.

Don't let her walk through that door.

"Mom."  She barely heard the mewl herself. The porch door thumped shut.

Too late.  Cath tried to contain the sobs, but they pried her lips apart. Her arms wrapped around her stomach as her head fell, colliding with her knees.

"Sweetie."

She was pulled into her mother's embrace, her head resting on Lily's lap. Cath's sobs were almost silent but shuddered through her body. Lily's hands stroked her cheek and hair as she rocked.

The motion and security slowly lulled Cath into a state of calm.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what? What's going on, Catherine?" 

Burying her face in her mother's lap, Cath mulled over explanations in her mind.

She'd been spinning the lies and cover up stories for too long.

Lily continued when she didn't answer.

"I just find it hard to believe you'd have a baby with someone you barely knew. I mean it's not like Eddie took the Father of the year prize, but you truly loved him at the time being."

Cath pulled away and sat up, meeting her mother's gaze. Her concern and worry was evident. She could relieve that with the truth.

She blew her nose and cleared her throat. "I need you to keep it quiet. You can't tell anyone. Too many people could get hurt."

"Okay." Lily nodded and frowned. "He's not married, is he?"

"No."

"Well, that rules out the Director. A suspect?" Cath smiled, grateful for the lighter mood.

"No, he's ... he's from the lab..." She paused before leaping. "I was in a relationship with him for five months."

"Did he walk out on you?" Lily's mother bear instincts were undiminished.

"I kinda shoved him out the door." Cath continued hesitantly at her mother's confused expression. "I told him I cheated on him and the baby wasn't his."  

"Why?"

"I wasn't supposed to be seeing him."

"Gil?"

Cath bit her lip.

"I thought I recognized the name. You two have been dacing around each other for years." Lily closed her eyes for a moment, sifting through memories.

"And it's problematic?"

"Yeah." Cath grimaced. "Slight conflict of interest. Ecklie specifically warned all of us about everything pertaining to office romance and God forbid it office relationships, I stopped it going any further."

"But?"

"But after Nicky was kidnapped..." Cath leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her hands. "We still wanted each other and I wanted...a life. I think there must've been some crossed wires somewhere, because I didn't mean a baby."

Lily matched her pose. "He doesn't want a baby?"

"He was thrilled." She lifted her eyes to the stars. "But it doesn't matter."

"Surely there's some way..."

Cath cut her off. "There isn't. This is the only way I can protect our jobs, though mine is still a little rocky. I'm going to be enough of a scandal on my own. I'm not going to make it any harder on Lab."

"So you've just made Gil's decision for him?"

"Yes," Cath replied firmly, as she stood and stepped down onto the grass.

Lily's voice took on a disapproving tone. "That isn't fair to him, Catherine."  

She kept her back to her mother. "One of us has to be the realist. Gil'd think we could play happy families, keep our jobs and everyone would be all forgiving. That isn't going to happen. And I'm not going to have him turn around and resent me in a few years because he lost his career."

"Do you really think he'd put his job before you and his daughter?" Lily walked around to stand in front of her.

Cath folded her arms across her chest and fixed her gaze on the outline of the bushes over her mother's shoulder.

"He doesn't know I know this, but two years ago he turned down an opportunity to teach at an ivy league university, even though it meant we could date, because the Lab in Vegas was his life."

"Two years ago he wasn't in a relationship with you and you weren't pregnant," Lily replied firmly.

"Is he still at the Lab?"

Cath hesitated before answering. "No."

She kept silent about the job shift Gil had revealed in their last face-to-face meeting.

"So he can live without it. Why didn't you give him the opportunity to make a choice?"

"Because none of it matters!" Cath lowered her voice at her mother's warning look.

"Do the math. Even if he'd left as soon as I found out I was pregnant, there's still over a month unaccounted for."

"And so it's better if everyone believes that you pick up strangers rather than broke some unwritten rule?"

Cath didn't answer as she bit her lip and stared down at the grass.

Stepping forward, Lily placed her hand under Cath's chin and forced her head up. Cath avoided her mother's eyes by once again focusing on the bushes.

"Do you love him?" Lily asked quietly.

Cath's lower lip trembled and her gaze met her mother's.

"Are you in love with him?"

"Telling him...it wasn't easy. I know how much I hurt him and I wish he was here." Cath swallowed. "But this is the way it has to be. I'm protecting him."

Lily studied her face and frowned. "Are you? Or are you protecting yourself?" She brushed her hand across Cath's cheek. "I love you and I'll always support you no matter what. But please, think this through. It's not too late."

"It is." Cath shook her head, her resolve reinforced.

"Okay." Lily slipped her hand into her daughter's and pulled her down to sit on the bottom porch step.

Catherine leaned her head on her mother's shoulder as Lily's arms wrapped around her.

"You remember the scrap book you gave me after Lindsey was born?"

"Yes"

"Let's go inside and look at it?"

"Okay"

---

So that was it for now. I'm so happy to see all the amazing reviews, thanks so much for them. Keep them coming please. And I promise to update this asap! I hope you liked the short return of Gil to the story.- Promise more to come! C


	7. Chapter 7

An Act Of Omission 6/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 6

It had taken a few weeks, but her skirts and pants were becoming a bit tight. She'd have to start shopping for a new wardrobe; little chance of keeping her daughter undercover for much longer.

Cath was in constant telephone and email contact with her mother. Her mother had been right; the ultrasound picture broke through Lindsey's disapproval. She was now just as excited as she was initially. And she treasured the fact that she and Cath had a special secret. Not knowing the real reason for the secrecy.  

Cath knew Sara and Sophia were keeping an eye on her waistline, while Nick, Warrick and Jim were perfecting very good impressions of uncles. Jim had appointed himself as her surrogate father.

Terri was her sanity. Apart from her pregnancy knowledge, Cath could talk to her about anything. Since her return from California, she'd avoided mentioning Gil, attempting to shut him into a small compartment at the back of her brain. Terri would bring him up occasionally, but quickly learnt when to back off.

Sometimes he escaped. Usually while she was sleeping or he'd distract her during a long, boring--

"Anything else?"

Cath forced her attention back to Warrick, her bladder relieved that the handing out of assignments was coming to an end.

Ecklie coughed and she turned to find him staring at her before he quickly faced Jim.

"Cath has to announce soon, and we have to start looking for a temporary fill in for Supervisor."

She knew it was coming, but the words still winded her. Her voice wouldn't work.

Jim nodded and asked, 

"When?"

"As soon as possible."

She glared at Ecklie and recovered her voice. It was a little raspy.

"I'm barely showing."

He held her gaze unflinchingly. "We need to break it before the speculation and rumors have a chance to start."

"He's right, Cath."

She turned back to Jim but didn't reply.

"I want you to work with Jim and Warrick on a statement."

Greg shifted uncomfortably and gave her a weak smile.

Ecklie continued. "And then you're to run it past me."

She pursed her lips and directed her gaze to the floor, muscles tensing as Jim answered.

"Definitely just before weekend. A Friday would be best."

Cath flinched as the connotation cut deep. It took her a minute to recognize the silence and she glanced up to find everyone waiting for her to reply.

She plastered on a smile. "Sure. Friday would be great. Let's dump my daughter out with the trash. It's where she belongs." Cutting them off before they could speak, she gripped her case file to her chest and stood. "You don't need me here for this conversation. Let me know what you decide."

She stalked over to the door, wrenching it open and slamming it behind her. She'd probably broken the Lab again.

"Are you okay? Cath?"

She jumped as a hand touched her arm, swinging around to see Sara's concerned expression.

"I'm fine," Cath choked out, before commencing a power walk to the bathroom.

------

Sophia was seated on her couch when she returned to her office.

She shut the door and dumped her case file on the desk, keeping her back to her while she rifled through the messages the receptionist had handed her.

"So. Which Friday?"

"Next week."

"Why not this week? Two days should be enough for Batman and Robin to produce a masterpiece and my stomach may have tripled in size by next Friday."

"You finished?"

Her calm tone irritated her. She dropped the messages and turned around to face her friend.

"I don't know. I've still got plenty of hormones to burn."

Sophia didn't say a word, but she knew that look too well and it never failed to rile her.

"I've heard the comments. If a woman gets pissed off it must be because of the hormones, pregnancy or otherwise?"

"I never said anything about hormones." Sophia held up her hand as she opened her mouth.

"Shut up and let me finish. Friday is the best day to announce, not only for the Lab but also for you. You'll have a couple of days before you have to face them again."

"So, you're looking after me," she replied sarcastically.

"Look, Cath. I'm sorry for what I said when you first told me. But I wasn't implying anything about my goddaughter when I suggested Friday."

Sophia leaned forward and stared at her.

"So stop being pissed at me. You have to announce and this is the best way for everyone."

She held her stare for a minute before slumping onto the edge of the desk.

"I don't have to announce if I resign first."

"You'll resign?"

"Yes." She rocked her ankles while examining the carpet.

"Are you sure?"  She lifted her eyes to meet Sophia's and shrugged.

"At this moment I'm not sure of anything. I'm not even sure why I'm having this baby."

"Because you want her."

"Do I?" All the fears and insecurities flooded through her. Her legs started to shake and she lowered herself into the visitor's chair in front of her desk.

"I always thought I'd have an abortion for an accidental pregnancy. And I don't know why I didn't even consider it."

Sophia's expression softened.

"Maybe the situation changed that."

She shook her head and smiled sadly.

"I'm not. I don't think I can do this. It's too late for an abortion. Maybe I should consider adoption."

"I'm sure I could find you a home for unwed mothers to hide out in for the next six months. How does Mexico sound?"

Cath glared at her before realizing she was baiting her.

"I know what you're doing, Sophia"

"Is it working?"  She snorted and leaned forward, resting her face on her hands.

"Possibly."

"You have to face it, Cath. You made your choice to keep this baby and make Lindsey a big sister." Her voice was low and comforting.

"Don't let a few narrow-minded puritans make you doubt yourself. Face them head on and let them know that Catherine Willows doesn't run from a fight."  

Cath smiled and held her hand out towards him. "Ladies and Gentlemen. Sophia Curtis, motivational speaker." She rubbed her abdomen. "But do I have the right to put her through this?"

"She'll know how much her mom loves and wants her. And you can't give her a better example of how to stand up for herself."

With a little smile, she continued. "Her godmother will make sure she knows how amazing her mom is."

Cath couldn't stifle a couple of tears and a sniffle.

"You really think I can do this?"

"I wouldn't be in here if I didn't think you could handle anything and everything. The people who matter are with you, the rest can go to hell."

She burst out laughing. An object on the couch next to Sophia caught her eye.

"What's that?"

She coughed. "The first step in her indoctrination."

She accepted the proffered gift and smiled in thanks. A baby-sized ballet skirt. "

She can wear it to her christening." Cath placed it over one hand, stroking it with the other. There was no turning back.

"We'll meet tomorrow to write the statement, don't worry I'll help you." Sophia told her reassuringly.

Cath summoned her courage and met Sophia eyes.

"Okay."

-------

Wrung out. She felt emotionally and physically exhausted. A tension headache was teasing at the edge of her brain.

She'd begged off Terri's offer of dinner, wanting nothing more than a long soak in the tub and bed. Terri's concern had been evident and she had to reassure hershe was okay.

She dumped her bags on the table and kicked off her shoes, before entering the kitchen and shoving a frozen dinner in the microwave. Not the best nutrition, but it was all she was up to tonight and slightly better than nothing.

While it hummed, she went to the bedroom and stripped, pulling on a bathrobe.

She ate dinner in front of the television, trying to distract her mind with a not very funny sitcom. Her head pitching forward woke her with a start. Bath time before she was too tired to move again.

After cleaning up the kitchen, she retrieved the ballet skirt from her bag and carried it to the spare bedroom. A few items of baby paraphernalia sat in one corner, including a large yellow teddy bear from Nick. She placed the ballet skirt next to some of Lindsey's old baby clothing.

As the bath ran and the lavender bubble bath foamed, she studied her naked profile in the full-length mirror. She needed new bras urgently; her current ones were making her already tender breasts even sorer. A very definite bump. A quick prayer, that it would remain hidden until she announced, was sent.

Her muscles started to relax as soon as the warm water and bubbles flowed over them. She rested her head on a towel covering the rim of the tub and breathed deeply.

Her next conscious sensation was of cooled water and tight temples. The tension headache had settled in. She sat up and ran the hot water, a yellow object sitting near the tap drawing her attention.

The innocuous looking rubber duck had been a gift from Terri when she returned from Napa. She'd thought it was for the baby until Terri had handed her an instruction booklet. Cath had joked and wondered how many raised eyebrows around the Lab Terri ordering from Good Vibrations had caused.

The beak and tail packed quite a bit of power, but she hadn't had much of a chance to trial it. She'd been relieved her libido had decreased significantly since Gil left. Combined with the stress, she'd rarely been in the mood.

Memories of Gil's technique for relieving her headaches forced their way to the surface and her body quickly responded.

"Okay, Duck. Time for you to work your magic."

-------

The pillow hit the floor and she pulled on her robe before realizing she had no idea what to do.

Sleep was a lost cause, television too requiring, too late to go for a walk, too tired to read, too wired to relax...

She checked the time. Her mother should still be up...bad idea. She'd only be more worried. Too late to call anyone here--

The phone rang and she picked it up, smiling as she heard the voice.

"Your ESP is still functioning."

"I thought you might need to hear a friendly voice," Lily replied.

"How are you, Sweetie?"

Cath took the cordless receiver and curled up on the windowsill, leaning her head against the window.

"Lost. I can't sleep, I don't know what to do."  Cath sniffed. "I don't think I can do this."

"Yes, you can." Her mother paused. "Do you want me to come over?"

She nearly replied yes. "No, Mom, I'll be fine. "

"Well, don't forget your friends at the Lab. Also Lindsey is very excited about a baby sister"

"I know. She's already offered her babysitting services." Cath trailed off as her subconscious uncovered the spot she'd tried to bury Gil, his face appearing in her mind's eye.

"Call him, Cath."

It was times like this Cath wished her mother didn't know her so well.

"It's too late."

"Do you want him?"

Cath whispered, "Yes."

"Do you love him?"

"It's too late." She wiped away the tears gathering in her eyes.

"It's never too late."

-------


	8. Chapter 8

An Act Of Omission 7/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 7

There was a woodpecker knocking against her tree. She attempted to chase it away, but it ignored her and then started yelling her name.

"Cath? Are you there? Cath?"

She sat up with a start, finding herself on the bed, the curtains drawn to dull the afternoon sun.

"Cath?"

Door.

Rising gingerly, her stomach performed a three point turn before settling in its normal position. Her head took the scenic route.

"Cath. I'm going to call the police if you don't answer."

She leaned against doorways, walls and furniture during her trek to the front door.

"Cath. Please answer me if you're unconscious."

The door opened, forcing the knocker to take a step back in surprise.

"And how would I do that, Woody?"

Nick's forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "Woody?"

"You were knocking on my tree." She waved it off. "Forget it. What do you want?"

"I've come to keep you company." He forced his way past her.

"Aren't I lucky," she mumbled, closing the door and following him into the living room. The couch lured her in with its siren call.

"You don't look so good."

She raised her eyebrows. "It's no wonder you're such a hit with the ladies."

Nick sat beside her and picked up her hand.

"You really don't."

"You just woke me up. Why are you here?"

"Your phones and pager are broken."

"They're turned off or unplugged," she explained.

He sighed in relief. "We thought something had happened to you. Tell us before you do that again."

She squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry. The gory cases were just too much, and I couldn't deal with it a minute longer."

"We'll get you some light paper work tomorrow." Nick retrieved his own cell from his pocket.

"I'll just let Jim know you're okay."

Cath leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes, listening to the one-sided conversation.

"She doesn't look good."

Cath opened one eye. Nick grinned at her.

"But she's glaring at me, so she can't be too bad. Let Warrick and Sara know...Yeah, I will...See you tomorrow."

He ended the call and replaced the cell phone.

"You were all worried about me?"

"Of course. Jim didn't think you'd appreciate us en masse." His dimples deepened.

"So I volunteered for the mission."

Cath's lips twitched. "You are brave." Their hands entwined and she whispered,

"I could use the company."

"Even mine?"

"Even yours."

"You must be desperate." Nick brushed a lock of hair off her face. "How are you really?"

The floodgates opened. Between tears, nearly everything spilled out. Phone calls and insomnia, embarrassment, sorrow and shame.

---

"Fuck you, Chris," Cath growled at the television. The pictures of Chris marrying a tall young famous blonde at a big Hollywood style wedding were plastered over the screen. He was talking of how perfect it would be and that they had married because her bride to be only wanted to have children if she had a husband to share them with. And that he didn't feel comfortable just sleeping around anymore.

"See if I care."

"Cath?"

"I must've fallen and hit my head. Only thing that can account for that lapse of taste."

Nick grabbed the remote and Chris's face disappeared.

"I thought you were in the bathroom. I was trying to catch the sports news, " he told her in an apologetic voice.

"Don't worry, Nick." She patted his arm. "I don't care anyway."

"What did he say?"

"I didn't hear, but I'm guessing me being great in bed wasn't part of it." Cath slumped onto the couch, curling her legs underneath her.

"Are all my exes going to crawl out of the primordial ooze?"

Nick sat beside her, his hand resting on her pajama-clad knee.

"Probably only those lacking in social decorum or feeling like they seriously missed out."

"Well, that's quite a few." Her head fell back against the couch. "There were a couple of time periods there when my judgment was highly questionable."

"Any of those time periods within the last four or five years?"

Trick question. Careful with the answer.

"I've barely had a relationship in the last five years." Close enough to the truth.

"Then they can fish as much as they want, but they can't insinuate any connection between your job performance and private life."

Cath snorted. "Private life. What a misnomer. What the hell should it matter as long as I do my job properly?"

"I hear you." Nick pulled her sideways to lean against him, her head on his shoulder.

Cath felt her body begin to relax and shifted them to a more comfortable cuddling position.

"Do you want me to stay?" Nick whispered against her hair, she knew he was just offering as a friend and would never expect anything in return.

She adjusted his arm across her abdomen. "You might be the next candidate for father if anyone from the Lab finds that you stayed the night."

"I'll make sure they know I'm not."

Cath decided to tease. In a hurt voice, she asked, "You wouldn't want to be my daughter's daddy?"

"That isn't what I meant." He stumbled in his back pedaling. "I'd be honored to have a baby with you, though that would mean us having sex and ..."

"Whoa there." She squeezed his arm and looked up at him. "I was joking."

"I knew that." He grinned in embarrassment. "I've still got time to be a father, but this is my only chance to be an uncle."

Tears pooled in her eyes at the confirmation of how he viewed her. "You are sweet, Nicky."

"Close your eyes."

-------

It had hit her without giving her time for preparation. A suspect had suddenly showing her against the wall. And she had completely shut down. No fighting back, no fierce out break. Just a complete fear that overcame her as her arms came down to protect her daughter. Within seconds he was pulled away by Warrick as she fled to her office.

A string of expletives sounded through her office as a wave of dizziness led to her shin banging against the filing cabinet.

A hand touched her arm. "Cath?"

She swung around, her elbow repeating the collision with the metal.

"Shit, Jim. Are you conspiring with the furniture to kill me?" Cath grimaced and rubbed her elbow.

"What are you still doing here? I thought you went home at six and then I hear what just happened" He placed his small bundle of case files on the chair in front of her desk.

She waved her hands in the direction of her assailant. "I remembered something I had to do."

"At eight thirty? It could have waited till tomorrow."

"Stop coddling me," Cath snapped. "You're not my father."

Much to her embarrassment, tears followed.

"Sit down, Cath."

She shrugged off his hand. "I need to get back in there right now, I need to make him understand who decides..."

"You are not moving from this office, do you understand me?"

"Which prick of a slimy suspect decided to target my daughter," she spat out. Her axis tilted abruptly and this time she didn't protest as Jim grabbed her arm and led her to the couch. She sat bent over, with her head between her knees, until the worst of the dizziness had passed. Straightening slowly, she accepted the glass of water Jim offered.

He waited until she settled back against the couch, before asking firmly,

"What happened?"

"I was asking some preliminary questions and everything was fine." She rubbed her hand across her forehead. "I got up to walk around for a while..." A sob choked her.

Jim waited patiently for her to continue.

"Then he suddenly jumped at me." She paused to wipe her nose. "Warrick moved in immediately."

"Did he know ?" Cath shook her head while taking another sip of water. "I was seated when he entered, and I saw his surprised look when Warrick pulled him away from me."

She stood and walked over to her desk, thumping the glass down. "If they want to attack me verbally, fine. But daughter is off limits."

"I'm taking you home, Cath."

"I need to--"

Jim squeezed Cath's arm.

"You can't do anything now. I'm your boss and if I have to, I'll order you. Grab your bag."

"I've got my car, Jim."

"And after nearly passing out, I'm really going to let you drive it."

Knowing she wasn't going to win this argument, Cath conceded. "Okay. But I'm not staying home tomorrow."

Jim knew when to back off. "As long as your okay."

He picked up his case files and held out his other arm, pulling her close when she accepted it.

"Is the baby okay?"

Cath heard his concern for her in the unasked portion of that question and answered both with a tired sigh.

"I don't know."

-------

Two days later she felt a lot better, she even did the lead on a big case interrogating the suspect.

Cath fanned herself with the case assignments. It was a typical end of June with humidity at one hundred and twenty percent and her hormone-laden body forcing the temperature even higher. She pulled off her glasses, wiping a fine sheen of sweat covering her nose. The contacts had been abandoned earlier in the week, as they became increasingly uncomfortable. Her whole body was changing.

And today it was going crazy. A dull headache had taken up residence in her temples and she was jittery and a little on the dizzy side. At least she wasn't sweating excessively like earlier in the day.  All she had to do was to hand out assignments, after that she could take a small nap

"Ready for assignments, Cath."

"Sure thing."

"You all right?"

Cath looked up at Sara's concerned expression and smiled to ease her worry.

"I'm fine, just a little hot."

"Do you want some iced water?"

"No, thanks." She rose slowly. "I don't want a full bladder before handing out the assignments."

The light banter in the break room relaxed her as they spoke lightly about Greg's latest date, Nick's newest niece and a new restaurant Warrick recommended.

"Well, that all sounds swell, but what do you guys say, let's get these assignment handed out?" She did, and they all began reading and she was about to turn around an walk back to her office when she felt something strange.

The room spun and she lowered her head to fix her gaze on the table in front of her, her knuckles white as they gripped the sides. Breathe in, breathe out, slow down. She couldn't moisten her mouth and the hot lights weren't making her sweat as they normally did.

"Catherine," Sara whispered, her hand under Cath's elbow.

"I'm fine," Cath raised her head to find the other's looking worried.

She must be a sight.

"I'm fine you guys, I'm..." Cath paused and couldn't remember what was next.

She heard Sara say something to the others about fresh air and water, and allowed herself to be guided out of the room.

"Cath?"  Cath leaned back against the wall outside the break room, trying to slow down her heart and clear her head. Black spots danced in front of her eyes and the case folder slipped from her fingers.

Her last memory was of the floor rushing up at her and Sara screaming for help.

-------

Tired. So tired. Her eyes protested their opening but she needed to know where she was.

White ceiling. Blurry. Where were her glasses?  She blinked and her focus improved a little.  Bed.  Drip pinching the skin on the back of her left hand.  Sore muscles.

Panic.  Where was she? Where was her daughter?  Her palms and fingers tried to locate her, tried to feel for the slight bulge below her waist. Was it still there? Was her daughter still there?  An ultrasound. That's what she needed.

"Cath."  Hands covered hers, squeezing them tight.

"Cath, she's okay. You still have her."

She looked up into what she assumed was Terri''s face. It was at least her voice.

"You sure?" Her throat and mouth were dry and raspy.

"I'm positive. Your daughter is fine."

Sobs. But no tears. Where were the tears?

Arms around her, cheek to cheek, rocking.

"Everything's all right. Go back to sleep."

Exhaustion. Darkness.  She tried to fight it, but she wasn't strong enough. Never strong enough.  Better. Her mouth was moist, she wet her lips. Still a little blurry, but she could see Terri sitting to the right of the bed. It was her face. Her smile.

"How are you feeling?" She leaned close and brushed Cath's cheek.

"I don't know." Her throat hurt.

Terri stood and fetched a cup of water, holding the straw and propping up Cath's head as she sipped.

"You want to sit up a bit?"

Cath nodded and the next minutes were spent rearranging the bed. Her hands came to rest on her stomach.

"Is she really okay?"

Terri held her right hand. "Yes, she's fine. Doctor Martin will be in to see you soon. What do you remember?"

"The assignments. My head hurt and I was dizzy. Sara helped me out." Cath pinched the bridge of her nose with the fingers of her left hand, the drip pulling and catching her attention.

"I dropped my case folder and she screamed."

"You need to think about giving Sara a promotion. I don't think scaring her half to death was in the job description. She grabbed your arm."

Terri traced a ring of blue finger marks around Cath's upper arm. "

And protected your stomach as you fell. Nick and Warrick helped carry you to your office. And then the ambulance brought you here."

"Why--" Cath cleared her throat.

"Why did I pass out?"

"How much did you have to drink yesterday and today?"  Cath frowned.

"I don't know. I had a a lot of paper work and processing and I didn't want to be needing a toilet break every five minutes, so a little less than normal I guess."

"With the heat and humidity and the pregnancy increasing your body temperature, you need to be drinking water constantly."

"I can't be interrupting interrogations all day--"

Terri cut her off. "Cath, when they brought you in, your urine output was nil. You had severe dehydration." She waited for that to sink in before continuing in a firm tone.

"You were very lucky you didn't miscarry or end up with kidney damage."

"Really?" Cath felt like throwing up.

"Yes." Terri sighed. "I don't want to scare you, Cath, but you need to make sure you drink plenty and cut out the coffee. Also you need looser, cooler clothing. This can't happen again."

Cath sniffed and wiped her nose. "Okay." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"How long am I in here for?"

"I don't know. Depends on how quickly they can get your fluid levels back to normal."

Cath shook with a muffled sob. "I can't do this."

The mattress shifted and Cath didn't fight as Terri pulled her into an embrace, her face buried in the other woman's neck.

"Yes, you can."

She was rehydrated enough for tears.

-------

"Can I come in?"

Cath looked over to the doorway of her hospital room, smiling when she saw the visitor.

"Depends. Did you bring paperwork with you?"

"No paperwork."

"Then you can enter."

Sara crossed directly to the bed, dropping a parcel and her bag on the end before throwing her arms around Cath.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," she whispered in Cath's ear.

Cath tightened the hug and swallowed tears. "I'll try not to. Thank you."

Embarrassment tinged Sara's cheeks when she pulled back, unsure whether she should have requested permission before crossing the line between collegue and friend. She knew they had never been that close. Cath squeezed her hand in reassurance.

"How are you feeling?" Sara sat down on the chair next to the bed.

"Tired." She rubbed the back of her hand where the drip had been inserted. "My fluid levels are back to normal, but my blood pressure has gone through the roof. Only advantage of the dehydration was the low blood pressure." Cath grinned wanly.

Sara's forehead furrowed in concern.

"Is there anything they can do?"

"Bed rest and no stress. The bed rest is the only thing Dr. Martin can control, so I'm stuck here for the duration. They'll try medication if that doesn't help."

"Well, don't worry about work. We are doing fine and Jim read us the riot act."

Cath cringed. "He didn't?"

"He told us that if anything happened to you or the baby he'd hold us personally responsible." Sara smiled. "And he threatened he'd take over the assignments."

Cath couldn't prevent a small smile of her own at that thought, but the worry returned.

"I wish he hadn't done that. How the hell am I supposed to go back in front of all you now? I really embarrassed myself back there."

"Cath." Sara leaned forward and clasped Cath's hand between her own.

"It's okay. Most of the Lab was already worried about you. I thought Greg and the lab rats were going to applaud Jim."

She pulled an envelope from her handbag. "They asked me to give you this."

Inside a get well and congratulations card, signed by eleven of the Lab rats, were two fairly sizeable gift certificates.

One was for a baby store she'd passed surreptitiously several times and would now be able to enter; the second entitled her to a day of massage and pampering.  Cath bit her lip, wiping away several stray tears. Sara left and Cath fell asleep after having spoken to Lindsey on the phone, arranging for her to visit later with Terri.

Dr. Martin would only release her on the condition of strict bed rest until her blood pressure stabilized. That wasn't going to happen at home, so Terri insisted she stay at her home.

Cath had been reluctant, but faced with at least another week in the hospital, she'd agreed. A nurse taught her how to take her own blood pressure as Dr. Martin wanted daily monitoring for the rest of the pregnancy.

Her initial misgivings had evaporated within hours while sitting in a huge comfortable bed and eating a tasty meal. She received frequent visits from her the guys at the Lab, which broke up the monotony of the days, and Terri and Lindsey spent as much time as she could with her. Terri was a card shark.

"What are you doing?"

Caught. Cath quickly flicked from the news coverage of a big homocide to NBC and smiled innocently at Terri.

"That Sami Brady is a real bitch."

"And maybe I should cut your cable access." Terri reached the bed carrying a large box.

"For me?"

"Arrived by courier. No return address, but security scanned it and aren't worried." She placed it down next to Cath. "And I mean it, stop watching the news coverage on crime."

"Yes, Mom."

Terri cut through the tape, opening the box and pulling out an object wrapped in pale green paper. She handed it to Cath before moving the box to the floor and sitting in its place.

"You going to unwrap it?"

Cath looked nervously at the parcel in her lap, taking a deep breath and locating the end of the paper. She froze when the gift was revealed.

"Oh, Cath. It's gorgeous."

Cath just stared, too many emotions competing for supremacy.

"Cath?" Terri gained her attention by squeezing her arm.

"What's wrong?"

She opened her mouth but no sound emerged. Her gaze was drawn back to the enormous gift basket filled with candies, ornaments, soaps and bubble baths.

And in pride of place in the center, three beautiful butterfly teddy bears. A large 'multi'-colored one, a smaller one with green and blue sparkling colors and a very cute small one in purple and white. One for her, one for Lindsey and one for the baby.

"Cath?"

"It's from Gil." Her voice broke on his name.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, unable to look away. "He--he used to call me and Lindsey butterfly.

"Mysterious, graceful, beautiful. I told him I was only one of those three." Cath reached out to stroke the wing of the larger toy through the cellophane.

"The rest are my favorites and the small candies are for Lindsey, all her favorites."

Terri untied the green ribbon from the top of the cellophane, opening it out and picking up the toys. She handed them to Cath before moving the basket to the other side of the bed.

Cath placed the butterflies on the bed closer to Terri, not willing to have any more contact than necessary. But she couldn't keep her eyes off them.

"He loves you." Terri picked up the smallest one. "And there's a part of him which can't help loving this baby simply because she's yours."

Cath shook her head, pursing her lips in an attempt to contain the emotional turmoil. No, she couldn't allow herself to contemplate that possibility.

"Look." Terri pointed to a 'Press here' sticker on its wing and followed the instructions.

The wings to swayed softly up and down and a child's voice sang, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, how are you?"

Terri smiled as the line repeated, followed by, "Thank you, thank you, I am fine and I hope that you are too."

Closing her eyes and pressing her hand to her mouth, Cath choked on a sob. She didn't need this, not now.

"You should call and thank him."

Cath snorted and grabbed a handful of tissues from the bedside table. "I think that kinda defeats his intention of sending it anonymously."

"If he didn't want you to know, he wouldn't have made it so personal." Terri gestured at the basket. "And if he didn't still care, he wouldn't have sent it."

Damn Terri's logic.

"Tell him the truth."

"I can't!" Cath implored.

"You mean you won't."

Damn bed rest. She couldn't escape the inquisition. "I'm not arguing semantics with you."

"You're making a mistake." Terri didn't know the meaning of backing off.

"And it's my mistake to make."

"I'd normally agree, but you are affecting two other lives, no three with Lindsey and you don't have the right to do that," Terri replied firmly.

Cath snapped. "Like you never made a mistake?"

Terri ignored the jibe. "What are you going to tell your daughter when she asks who her dad is?"

"Gil will be on the birth certificate."

She'd never intended anything else. It was the least she could do.

"And when she asks whether you loved him?"

Cath wound the edge of the sheet around her fingers. "By the time she's old enough to understand, this will be over and he'll know."

"So you will tell him when Lindsey graduates high school?"

Terri's expression was disbelieving.

Cath looked down at the sheet.

"Probably."

"Do you really think he would forgive you for making him miss the first three years of his daughter's life?"

"I don't know." Cath shrugged. "But he wouldn't turn his child away."

"What if he's moved on? Married, a family of his own?"

No. Cath shook her head. No.

"Cath. Look at me."

Terri's school ma'am tone was next to impossible to ignore. Her eyes weren't any softer.

"You can't expect him to pine away for the next three and a half years. Yes, he still loves you. But he doesn't trust you and as far as he knows there isn't anything worth waiting for."

Cath bit her lip. She didn't want to think about it, she was having enough trouble surviving the here and now.

"He's already uprooted his life. Is it fair of you to disrupt it again in a couple of years?"

She blurted out the first thought that entered her head. "If he really loved me he wouldn't have left."

"You've got to be kidding, Cath." Terri shook her head. "You told him you cheated on him and were carrying another man's baby. You expected him to be okay with that?"

"He should have known me well enough to know I wouldn't cheat on him," Cath whispered, looking back down at her hands twisting the material.

"I don't know what fairytale you're living in--"

"The same one where I thought I could fall in love with one of my co-workers and it wouldn't be a problem."

-------


	9. Chapter 9

An Act Of Omission 8/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 8

Impossible to sleep.

Sick of tossing and turning, Cath rose from the bed and dressed in a pair of loose sweat pants and a t-shirt, slippers on her feet. She opened the door slowly, poking her head out to survey the hall. Empty. Make a run for it.

Fully expecting a Terri to leap out of the shadows and drag her back to bed, Cath walked as quietly as possible towards the front door while trying not to make any noice. Terri and Dr. Martin would probably tie her to the bed if they found out, but she needed a change of scenery. Lying back there with her thoughts was more of a danger to her blood pressure than a short stroll.

Her body subconsciously chose her path as she arrived at the Lab, stopping outside his's office door. It still hadn't been cleared. A wave of anxiety broke over her as she pushed the door open. Swallowing nervously, she forced herself to enter and walked over behind the desk.

The edges dug into her fingers as she gripped the wood. She stared at case folders before raising her eyes to the computer screen, pictures and notes from their latest case. They swam in front of her, distorted through uncorrected vision and a thin film of tears.

How was she going to get back to the Lab? Could she throw herself to the clamoring hoards of suspects and office gossip? Did she have the right to expose her daughter to an existence of curious stares and whispered innuendo?

The room tilted and her legs wobbled. She needed to sit down before she fell down.

His office chair seat beckoned and she surrendered to its pull. She slipped out of her shoes and brought her knees up to her chest, her stomach not yet large enough to prevent the position.

Closing her eyes and breathing deeply, she felt his essence wrap around her in a comforting shroud. With little effort, she conjured up his image, felt his chest pressed against her back, his hands overlaying her stomach. His aftershave, his breath and whiskers on the side of her neck, his voice whispering her name...

"Cath."

Something touched her shoulder and she jerked awake.  "Are you all right, Cath?"

It was Jim's voice.

"Yeah." She lowered her feet back to the floor.

Jim sat down next to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed some fresh air. Don't tell Terri, she'll ground me."

Cath stared straight ahead at the things on his desk.

"And you?"

"I was leaving when the recptionist mentioned you were wandering." He paused.

"How's Warrick doing after the attack?"

Cath sighed heavily. "He thinks this was his fault. That if he hadn't called me to help with the interogation--" She leaned forward, resting her face in her hands.

"I should've insisted Ecklie accept my resignation."

"You know he wouldn't take it. And he's not going to now."

"I'm a liability, Jim." She gestured towards the break and the the interrogation room.

"I have no credibility in there. You told me the Lab comes first."

"And how is leaving now going to help?"

She searched for an answer in her lap.

"Cath, look at me."

She slowly looked up.

"If you really want to go, we won't stop you. But the heartache won't disappear,"

Jim raised his eyebrows in question as he took her hand.

Cath shook her head in the negative, her shoulders slumped.

"I spent years in a bottle trying to drown out the voices telling me I wasn't worthy, wasn't needed. But the worst of those voices were in my head." He squeezed her hand.

"Believe me, Cath. Reality is never as bad as you're imagining it will be. Don't run. Stay and fight. Do it for your daughter and for Lindsey. But most of all, do it for yourself."

"What if I'm not strong enough?" She winced at her tiny, frightened voice.

"You are strong enough. You're the strongest woman I know, and remember it takes more strength to acknowledge you need help. There's no shame in asking for and accepting it." He cupped her cheek with his other hand. "There are so many people who love you and want to help you anyway they can. Let us."

Jim's uncharacteristic show of physical affection touched her deeply. "So I shouldn't be mad at you for threatening my guys?"

"Exactly. You learn fast." He rewarded her with his little grin.

"Maybe you need to consider asking your baby's father for help."

Cath took a deep breath. "I'm not going to get married to fit into some outmoded view of what a family is supposed to look like. And I make enough money to support myself, Lindsey and this little one."

"That isn't what I meant."

Her fingers worried the hem of her t-shirt.

"He's not in the picture and it's best it stays that way. This--" She waved her hand, encompassing the case files and Supervisor sign on the desk. "This is going to be hard enough to juggle with a baby, with two children. I don't need-- Just leave it alone, Jim. Please."

He nodded. "Okay. But make sure you don't wake up one morning and find you've missed your youngest daughter growing up. You can't get that back."

"I don't intend to."

"None of us ever do."

-------

"Five minutes."

"Yeah," Cath acknowledged. Where had she put that case file?

"Looking for this?"

She turned to find Jacqui holding out her quarry. "Thanks. What would I do without you?"

"I have no idea." Jacqui smirked. "How are you feeling?"

Cath stopped her preparation and glared at him, his eyes told her he was genuinely interested and concerned for her.

"Am I going to get this interrogation for the next five months?"

"Yeah, so get used to it."

"I should've known lab rat and godmother was a bad combination."

Cath grabbed the rest of her required materials and headed for the door. "I'm feeling good."

And she was. In the two weeks she'd been back at work since her collapse, her stomach had burgeoned and the suspects had been on their best behavior. She was expecting the honeymoon to end at any moment, but it was a pleasant change to be the center of curiosity and excitement, rather than attack.

If only she could get her colleagues to understand she wasn't going to break. Being treated like a china doll wore on her patience, and sooner or later she was going to snap some well-meaning person's head off.

She stopped outside the break room and rubbed her stomach. It had been churning the last few days and she wondered whether something she was eating wasn't agreeing with her. Though it didn't quite feel like indigestion.

The end of assignments was in sight when the churning developed into something else. Cath paused, one hand covering her abdomen.

Sara moved to her side within seconds. "Cath? You okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered, not very convincingly. Looking back to her audience, she found a mass of concern. In her best briefing voice, she continued,

"Thanks for the worry, everyone. I think my child is telling me to cut back on the vegetables and feed her more sugar. Moving right along..."  Her relief at escaping the break room was short lived as she found Jim and Terri waiting with the kid gloves in the corridor.

"I'm okay," she stated, holding up her hands.

Terri saw straight through the cover to the fear beneath. Grabbing Cath's elbow, she steered her towards her office. "Let me be the judge of that."

There was no point in protesting once Terri got involved, so Cath followed her instructions.

"Sit down on the couch. Sara, could you close the door? You need to stay outside, Jim. I want to do a quick examination."

Terri sat down next to her and grasped her hand to get her attention.

"What's going on?"

Cath shrugged. "I've had this weird churning, but not really churning, feeling the last few days."

"And what happened in there?"

"It was a lot stronger." Cath rubbed her free hand over the bump. "Really sudden."

"Do you have this feeling all day?"

"No. It comes and goes."

"You're, what? Just over twenty weeks?"  Cath nodded.

Terri smiled and placed her other hand on Cath's stomach. "That weird churning is your daughter."

"Her moving?" Cath couldn't help sounding skeptical.  "I'd say she hit the side of the uterus while you were talking. She's still got a lot of room to move around in there."

Catherine felt the light dawn on her. Of course it was the baby moving, she had been so stressed lately, the first thing that came to her mind was trouble rather than reality. She put her hand over her stomach and smiled. It felt like a bad case of butterflies.

Terri kissed a relieved Cath on the cheek and draped her arm around her shoulders.

"She already knows her mom's natural environment and wants in on the act."

"And her dad's." Cath blinked back tears and leaned her forehead against Terri's.

"With that pedigree, her career is predestined."

"And here I was hoping for an astronaut." Cath laughed through the sniffles.

Terri stroked her hair. "Jim will be grooming her from birth. She'll be in forensic classes before she can read."

"That's ambitious."

"With this group as her family, she'll be eleven going on forty."

Cath smiled as her daughter moved in agreement.

-------

"Look at this, Mom. It's so cute."

She should never have let Lindsey drag her into the baby shop.

"It's lovely, Linds. But her closet is already bigger than mine and she isn't even going to be here for another four months." Cath fingered the tiny red velvet dress. It was beautiful.

Lindsey began her sales pitch. "Babies need lots of clothes, usually a couple of changes per day, and they grow really quickly."

Cath smiled. "When did you become the baby expert?"

"I've been reading and Simone's mom just had a baby. He was a bit of a surprise too."

Lindsey looked at the outfit longingly and then back at Cath. "I'd like to buy it for her. It should be the right size to wear at Christmas and my first gift and duty as big sister to dress her properly."

"She'll look gorgeous." Cath squeezed Lindsey's shoulder. "Thank you."

While Lindsey went to the sales counter, a plush toy caught Cath's eye. She grinned as she recognized it, remembering Gil protesting vehemently that he didn't look anything like the Genie from Aladdin.  Picking it up, she stared into its furry face. Definitely him.

"Cool. They've got all of them." Lindsey pointed to Aladdin, Jasmine and Jafar sitting on the shelf.

"I didn't realize Aladdin' was still cool to today's youth," Cath teased.

Lindsey rolled her eyes in response. "You should buy them."

"I'll start with this one." She retrieved her purse from her bag. "We'd better go and hit the dress stores. I don't know how many stock semiformal maternity dresses."

As it turned out, more than she expected. Unfortunately her dislike of frills and pastels quickly cut down the list.

"This one has really stylish dresses."

Cath looked in the window. "Yes, it does. So I doubt they'll have what I want."

"Let's find out." Lindsey grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, immediately honing in on a sales assistant.

"Hi. Do you have any cocktail dresses that would fit my five-month pregnant Mom?"

"Lindsey!"

"She doesn't want frills and would prefer darker solid colors."

The sales assistant, a well-dressed woman in her mid-fifties, smiled at Lindsey.

"I think we might have exactly what your Mom is after. Follow me."

She led them to a rack of maternity dresses.

"The cocktail dresses are on this end. I think this size should be right."

Cath took several of the dresses indicated into the change room.

"Too loose," Lindsey commented on the first one. "You want to show off your tummy and breasts."

Cath shared a smile with the assistant, before addressing Lindsey. "Do I?"

"Pregnant women are sexy."

"Hate to break the news to you, Sweetie, but I don't feel remotely sexy."

"That's because you haven't found the right dress," Lindsey replied with the certainty of a teenager.

Swallowing a laugh, Cath inquired, "So I should try on the next one?"

Cath nodded enthusiastically.

The second dress was a possibility, the third a little severe in appearance, or as Lindsey termed it, the funeral dress.

Cath knew the fourth was it as soon as she glanced in the mirror. A vibrant red, the cut of the material highlighted her newly boosted cleavage and skimmed over her bump. She didn't want to appear ashamed, but she also didn't want the size of her stomach defining her. This was perfect; not too obvious, yet not hiding it.

"That's the dress," Lindsey cried, as Cath walked out.

Cath inspected herself from all angles in the larger mirrors. "You think so?"

"It's beautiful."

"Not sexy?" Cath queried in mock disappointment.

"Very sexy," Lindsey assured her.

The sales assistant approached them. "It does look lovely and is a perfect fit."

"Not too perfect I hope." Cath ran her hands down the sides of her breasts. "I don't want to grow out of it before I wear it."

"How far away is it?"

"Four days."

"You'll be fine. The material still has some give around the bust and I doubt you'll grow that much in four days."

"So it's probably just my imagination that I gain a dress size overnight." Cath gave herself one last look over to confirm.

"Okay. I'll buy it."

-------

"Hurry up, Cath."

"I'll be ready in a minute, Cath, and if you knock on that door one more time-"

"We're going to be late," he called through the hotel room door.

Cath fixed her earrings. "Are the directors and chiefs down there yet?"

"No, but--"

"This is ridiculous," Cath mumbled to herself, opening the door. "Come in and stop yelling."

She didn't glance at him, instead walking back to the mirror and picking up her lipstick.

"You're never on time."

The room was too quiet. Locating Nick's reflection in the mirror, she grinned at his stunned expression. She turned to face him. "So, do I look okay?"

"You're wearing that?"

"Yes, brother dear. I thought I'd play up the scarlet woman image. Just need the big 'S' to complete the outfit." Cath rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror.

Nick held up his hands in defense. "That isn't what I meant. I was just--you look amazing, Cath."

"Thanks."

"At least with this being the fundraiser for the forensic research institute, there should be plenty of doctors on hand to save all the men having heart attacks." He walked up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"They'll be lining up around the block wanting to be the father of this baby. But don't worry, I'll be vetting them."

"You will?" Cath replaced the lid on the lipstick.

"Only the best for my niece." He kissed her on the cheek. "Ready?"

------

Maybe she should have gone with the funeral dress. The event was only officially forty minutes old and she'd already had more attention than she wanted. She wasn't sure if it was the dress or the curiosity value of a single pregnant Supervisor from the country's number one Lab. But she had no doubt it would be the dress as the alcohol consumption increased.

She tried to stick close to her colleagues, but had lost them when her daughter's new game of using her bladder as a jumping castle had necessitated a bathroom break.

Scanning the ballroom, she heard her name called from behind her. God, no.

"Cath"  She swallowed and plastered on a smile before turning.

"Gil. I didn't San Francisco was so close you'd be tagging along for social events."

Desire flared in his eyes as he glanced over her. It was quickly buried under his professional demeanor and a mixture of thinly disguised anger and sadness.

"I don't."

He was wearing a tie she had given him and the dinner suit...

"Actually I talked him into it, I really wanted to meet you."

Cath's attention shifted to a young, pretty brunette, her arm linked through Gil's.

"I'm Louise Shearer."  '

Cath shook her outstretched hand.

"Catherine Willows."

"It's such a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Willows. I'm only finishing my degree in blood spatter, but I hope to make it to a top five Lab one day."

Cath hoped her smile didn't appear as false as it felt. "Well, Gil is definitely the one to give you tips."

"Yeah." Louise squeezed his arm. "He's really taken me under his wing."

Jealousy bubbled within her, as Gil smiled at Louise and patted her hand. "You're very fortunate."

"I know. I still don't understand why he would want to leave Las Vegas CSI, but I'm glad to have the opportunity to learn from him."

Cath quelled the urge to ask where the teaching was taking place. Terri was right; she'd let him go and couldn't expect him to pine away for her. But she'd expected a slightly longer mourning period. And to parade his new... If he was trying to hurt her, it was working. She quickly glanced around, searching for an escape route as Louise continued to gush.

"And I think you're so brave, working as a Supervisor on high profile cases being pregnant and all, not caring what everyone thinks and just doing your job."

"Thank you," she replied politely, as she forced her hand away from her neck. Gil would recognize the meaning of the neck rubbing. She avoided looking at him, not wanting to know if he was taking any pleasure from her discomfort.

"There you are, Cath."  Cath muffled an audible sigh of relief and turned in the direction of the voice. "Terri. You need me?"

Her eyes begged Terri for rescue, while she tried not to sound desperate.

"There's someone I want you to talk to." Terri acknowledged her companions. "Nice to see you again, Gil. The Lab isn't quite the same without you."

"Hi, Terri. I'd like to introduce you to Louise Shearer, one of my most promising lab interns."

Terri shook the hand of the tongue-tied Louise. "Lovely to meet you, Louise. You must be good to catch Gil's eye."

Cath felt Gil's gaze on her but didn't meet it.

Terri linked her arm with Cath's. "I hope you don't mind, but I need to steal this lady."

After brief farewells, Cath followed Terri outside onto a balcony. She didn't relax until she knew she was out of sight of the room's occupants.

"Sit down." Terri pulled her over to a seat.

"Thank you." Cath took several deep breaths of the cool night air. "If I'd known he was going to be here..."

"It's just as well you didn't then."

Cath regarded Terri suspiciously. "You knew." It was a statement, not a question.

"You need to talk to him."

"Terri. Butt out." She started to rise.

Terri grabbed her hand and stated in a firm voice, "Don't throw this opportunity away, Cath."

"What opportunity? He's already moved on."

Terri laughed.

"Louise? She isn't even close to being in the picture. I won't deny she's probably attracted to him, but it's mostly hero worship." She clasped Cath's chin and made her look directly at her. "

As for Gil, he's watching one woman in that room."

"He's probably hoping I'll spontaneously combust."

"He's only ever had eyes for you, Cath." Terri moved her hands to cup Cath's cheeks.

"Take the chance."

-------


	10. Chapter 10

An Act Of Omission 9/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 9

Another hour of small talk and political politeness and Cath needed fresh air.

She wandered back out to the seat at the far end of the balcony, relieved to kick off her shoes and close her eyes for a few minutes.

"May I join you?"

He must have followed her out.

Her stomach clenched as she kept her eyes closed. "If you want." She smelt his cologne and felt his sleeve brush her arm. Only when she knew he was seated next to her did she open her eyes, fixing her stare straight ahead.

They sat in silence for several minutes. Cath struggled to keep her tension levels capped, clasping her hands on her lap to stop them fidgeting. He was too close and she was too aware of every contour of his body.

He finally spoke. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"You look...really good."

"Thanks." She kept her tone flat.

"How--how's the baby?"

"Good."

"That's--good. Look, we need to talk."

"I thought that's what we were doing."

He growled in frustration. "Cath."

"Where's Louise?" Cath pointed towards the room. "You shouldn't leave her alone too long. A lot of men on the prowl in there and they can smell fresh meat. You don't want to have to fight them for her."

"You don't have to worry about Louise."

She bent awkwardly and pulled on her heels. "I need to get back in there."

Gil grabbed her wrist. "We need to talk."

"I think we've already exhausted all possible topics." She tried to shake off his hold, but he tightened his grip. Combined with a glare, she hissed,

"Let go of me."

"No." Determination lined his face. "I'm not leaving you alone until we talk."

"We've got nothing to talk about."

He moved his face closer to hers and lowered his voice. "Yes, we do. I've been doing the math and I want to know how you can be so sure she was conceived in the week I was away."

Cath quickly glanced around for anyone in hearing range. "Not here, Gil," she growled through clenched teeth.

"Then where? Because I'm not leaving until you answer me."

His tone and facial expression left her in no doubt he was serious. She glanced at her watch, struggling to determine the best course of action.

"Cath?"

"Come up to my room in ten minutes. 607." She regretted the invitation as soon as it left her mouth. But what choice did she have?

"Okay."

She stood as he released her wrist, practically bolting towards the door.

-------

What the hell was she going to tell him?

She paced back and forth in stocking clad feet in her hotel room, shaking her head.

This was madness. She couldn't tell him the truth, but how could she get him to believe the lie?

They'd always used the diaphragm; she didn't use anything with Mark. She knew when she ovulated--

The knock on the door.

Cath froze, the second knock prompting her into opening the door.

"Come in." She didn't look directly at him as he entered and spent an extra minute examining the wood of the door after she closed it. Taking a deep breath, she turned and started, "Gil..."

He was standing close, close enough that she took a step back into the door. But it was his eyes that tipped her world on its axis. She'd never expected to see that look again.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, reaching out to cup her cheek.

She couldn't do anything as he pressed her against the door with his body, as his lips brushed across hers. She couldn't do anything but respond, their kiss growing rapidly in passion as her arms encircled his neck. His hand pulled her dress up around her waist, before slipping between her legs. She whimpered at the first touch on her clit, the push of his hardening penis against her thigh, the presence of their child between them.

He must've removed his dinner jacket while she was closing the door. Made it easier to pull the shirt out of his pants and feel his skin under her fingertips. The fine hairs on his torso, the warmth, his taste, the prickle of his beard against her face, the guttural sounds as his arousal increased... God, she'd missed him.

Gil pulled back and the loss of contact restarted the rational side of her brain. She had to stop this; she couldn't use his body before they talked.

She couldn't give him hope and then tear it away. She couldn't hurt him like that again.  "Gil."

"Sshh." He shook his head and placed his finger on her lips.

"We need to--"

He replaced his finger with his lips, swallowing her protest. The hormones and arousal surging through her body swamped the dissenting views. There was only her need for him.

They stood naked next to the bed, Gil behind her with his hands cupping her breasts, learning their new shape. She leaned back against his chest, her head tilted to the side as he nuzzled her neck.

She moaned as he flicked her nipples and trailed his hands down her body, stopping at her belly. With slow reverent motions, he traced every square inch of the distended skin. She bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears, but couldn't prevent a muffled sob heaving through her chest.

Gil pressed his face against her cheek, not even attempting to hide his own tears. He kept one hand on her stomach, the other slipping between her legs. She rocked against his palm, as his erection slid between her thighs.

Lying spooned on the bed, Gil arranged their limbs and slowly pushed inside her. One hand remained over their child, the other pressing against her clit. Her orgasm hit hard and fast, her sensitivity heightened by pregnancy hormones.

When she recovered, she started to press back against his groin, but he wasn't able to move fast or deep enough.

"Knees," she whispered.

"You sure?"

Cath nodded and he pulled out, helping her rise to her hands and knees. Clasping her hips, he rubbed the tip of his penis across her clit and folds.

"Now, Gil."

He pushed all the way in, before resting his upper body against her back and sliding his arms around her body, his hands coming to rest in their previous positions.

Cath closed her eyes as they rocked together, concentrating on the feel of him and the rush of arousal. He rose carefully, keeping his hands where she wanted them most, and started thrusting. She easily matched his rhythm; they'd always been compatible in this, able to anticipate each other's needs.

As another orgasm began to build, she felt stirrings of a different nature. Only faint, but over the last week or two she'd come to recognize the initial weak movements.

One last deep thrust, the moan of her name, ragged breathing, a finger pressed hard on her clit, and she followed him. He slumped against her for a few seconds, kissing her shoulder blade, murmuring his affections. Wanting to retain possession of her, he somehow, without withdrawing completely, lowered them to again lie spooned on the bed.

She couldn't escape even if she wanted to. Her muscles were lax with fatigue, her brain drowned in hormones. Nothing she could do other than relax against him.

Both his hands caressed her stomach, his heart beating directly behind hers. The only sound their slowing breathing. Her eyes closed.

It could have been seconds, minutes, hours. She had no idea. Their positions hadn't altered, he kept her imprisoned within his arms, her body hooked on his.

"You awake?"

"Yeah."

He kissed her shoulder. "We need to talk."

She automatically stiffened and tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let go.

"Stop fighting me, Cath." His chest vibrated against her back. "We made love the night before I left and the night I got back. I was only gone five nights. How can you be so sure she was conceived then?"

She was saved from answering by a sharp kick.

Gil held his breath, his hands pressing on her belly.

Another.

"Is that--"

She nodded.

"Wow."

The awe in his voice triggered silent tears.

"If there's any chance that she's mine, even the slightest, I want to be there."

He paused at another kick. "Is there a chance?"

His mixture of longing and restrained hope broke her.

"Yes," she whispered.

He leaned his face against her shoulder, her skin growing damp from his tears. She squeezed his hands, waiting until he composed himself enough to speak again.  "

Can I, umm, have a paternity test now? Or do we have to wait until she's born?"

"You don't need a test."

Gil paused in confusion, before rising on his elbow and leaning over so he could see her face. "I don't understand."

She turned her head and forced herself to meet his eyes. "She's yours."

"I--" He shook his head.

"But you said--how can you be sure?"

The only way she could cope was by switching into interrogation mode. "She's one hundred percent yours. She was conceived the week you got back."

"How long have you known?"

"From the start," she mumbled.

"The start?" He sat bolt upright, pulling his hand away from her stomach.

"You lied to me?"

She flinched.

"Is there a Mark?"

"No." She wanted to take away the pain, but he slapped her hand.

"Don't." He threw back the covers and scrambled out of bed.

"I don't know what's worse. Thinking that you'd cheated on me for the last four months." He yanked on his boxers and pants. "Or knowing that you deliberately cut me out of my daughter's life. How could you do that to me, Cath? You know how much I loved you and I would've given up everything for you and our child."

She sat up and watched as he fumbled with his shirt buttons, wanting to say or do something, but knowing it wouldn't make any difference.

"I'm sorry. I thought--"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear you try to excuse this." He leaned over and pulled on his shoes.

"I was always blind when it came to you. I thought what we had was mutual."

She held the sheet up against her body. "I do lov--"

Gil grabbed his jacket and tie. "You don't know the meaning of the word." He shook his head.

"I just wish I'd known earlier what a selfish bitch you are."

His words and hurt stung more than any physical punishment. She couldn't do anything but watch as he wrenched the door open and slammed it behind him.

Sobs shuddered through her chest. She clenched her arms over her stomach and rocked. She'd been stupid to take Terri's advice. The truth didn't matter. He had still walked out the door.

-------

Cath huddled under the covers, desperate for oblivion. But her guilt refused to let her sleep.

He was right. Yes, she'd been trying to protect him and the Lab, but ultimately she'd been protecting herself. Hiding from the rules she had broken, hiding from other people's disapproval. Hiding from acknowledging she'd fallen in love and was willing to risk her career for Gil. And the fact that she was still suffering from the third degree burns she had suffered on her heart and soul after Eddie.

The ring of the hotel phone interrupted her mental flagellation.

"Ms. Willows. I apologize for the lateness of the call. There is a gentleman here by the name of Gil Grissom who insists on speaking with you."

"Put him on." Cath pushed herself up into a sitting position.

"Cath?"  She closed her eyes. "Do you want to come up?"

"No."

She bit her lip as her free hand rubbed her stomach. It was over. He was about to tell her to go to hell.

"Can you delay returning to Vegas for a couple of days?"

Okay. She hadn't expected that.

"I--I guess so."

"We need to sort this out."

"Okay." Maybe he wanted custody. Maybe she should offer it. He'd be a better mother.

"Can you wait a few minutes? I'll call Jim."

"It's not too late?"

"Jim sacrificed sleep to the job a long time ago." Silence greeted her weak attempt at lightening the mood.

"I'll call reception in a few minutes."

"I'll be here."

It took a few seconds for the dial tone to register in her ear. She allowed herself a brief interlude of misery before straightening her spine and calling Jim.

-------

Cath stood outside the hotel at 8am. Slight nip in the air, but she couldn't risk the possibility of seeing her colleagues in the lobby. She'd asked Jim to explain her absence.

Out here she could hide her red eyes behind sunglasses.

A car stopped in front of her and she looked up to see Gil getting out. Jeans, buttoned shirt, and sunglasses to match her own. Both hiding.

"This it?" He pointed to her luggage.

"Yeah."

While he was loading the bags in the trunk, she settled in the passenger seat, taking a deep breath. She looked straight ahead when he got in the driver's side.

"You had breakfast?"

Cath shook her head.

"That's first then. I don't want my daughter starving."

She bit her lip to prevent a sharp response.

Breakfast was strained but formal due to their public exposure. He watched her every bite.

"Gil." She dropped her fork onto the plate. "I can't eat when someone's staring at me. She's not starving and the doctor is happy with my weight gain."

He looked down at his own barely touched breakfast. "Sorry."

"I'm taking good care of her." She picked up a piece of toast.

"What did you tell Jim?"

"That I wanted to visit my mother, Lindsey is with Nancy. I don't have to be back in Vegas till Monday." If things didn't improve between them she would go to Napa. She couldn't deal with four days of tension.

"I thought we might go to Golden Gate Park."

Cath didn't know how to react. She'd been hoping to go somewhere private and get it over and done with. But maybe she should let him take the lead. "Okay."

"So, what first?" Gil asked her an hour later, standing in a car park in the middle of Golden Gate Park.

Cath shrugged.

"I haven't been to the Academy of Sciences yet."

"Fine," she replied with little enthusiasm.

Five months of hiding their relationship and the past four months apart should have made it easier, but she was too aware of him. Her libido had resurfaced with a vengeance since he'd pushed her against that door. He'd haunted what little sleep she'd managed and left her seeking urgent release on waking.

Much to her chagrin, just walking next to him was enough to arouse her body. It's only pregnancy hormones, only pregnancy hormones. Maybe if she repeated it enough--  His hand on her sleeve.  "Aquarium, planetarium, or museum?"

"Aquarium, but I'll need a bathroom before I can look at that amount of water."

She exited quietly from the bathroom, taking a moment to watch him. He'd put on a few pounds around the waist; his hair was longer and more unruly, highlighting the increasing number of grey strands peppering the red.

Were they too old for a baby?

Mid to late fifties by the time she hit puberty, close to retirement age when she graduated from college...was that fair to her?

Cath leaned back against the wall as doubts took control. She shouldn't have told him. She should've taken leave or quit when she found out she was pregnant. She could've laid low and adopted her out to a real couple young enough to provide what she'd need, what she deserved...maybe she should have ended it all at the very beginning.

Gil turned and spotted her and just for a moment his face lit up and her worries melted away.

Maybe they were enough.

-------

This was a mistake. She should've gone back to Vegas. She shouldn't have invited him up to her room. She shouldn't have let him touch her. She lied to his face before, why hadn't she this time?

Lowering her tense, tired and heavy body to the sand, she contemplated the last four hours. First the aquarium, followed by the Garden of Shakespeare's Flowers behind the Academy of Sciences.

Then the AIDs Memorial Grove, the Strybing Arboretum, and a break at the Japanese Tea Garden. And now Ocean Beach, at the opposite end of Golden Gate Park to where they started.

Cath closed her eyes as the salt-laden breeze hit her face, almost welcoming the slight sting.

"Great view of the Bridge from here."

Gil shut up when she didn't reply.

He was driving her mad. Almost constant verbal diarrhea, he'd read out every information plaque they came across and chattered about everything except what they needed to discuss.

Maybe they could talk now. She needed to know what he wanted.

"Gil--"  "Do you want to go to Fisherman's Wharf? Apparently there's a Bubba Gump's Shrimp Factory."

Maybe not.

She opened her eyes and stared out at the water, trying to concentrate on the swell and keep her temper under control. "I don't think shrimp--"

"Of course, the smell wouldn't agree with you. A boat trip out to Alcatraz probably wouldn't be a good idea either. There are the historic ships down on Hyde Street Pier or the zoo or--"

Cath snapped. "Just stop, Gil! I lived in this city years ago, I know this city better than you do, and I'm not here to be a tourist."

Shit! She couldn't even get up. Reluctantly taking Gil's hand, he pulled her to a standing position. She immediately shook off his hold and backed away.

"And don't mention the damn seahorses again. We'd all be happier if you were the one carrying this kid, but that's not going to happen."

One glance at his whipped puppy expression dissipated the remaining anger, leaving behind a bone-deep lethargy. She choked on a sob as she tried to take a deep breath.

"I--I'm really tired and hormonal. I need to check into a hotel room and lie down for a while." She couldn't meet his eyes.

"You're staying at my place." He put up his hand. "Don't bother arguing with me. You ready to go?"

Too exhausted to fight and with barely enough energy to remain standing, she nodded and accepted his offered arm.

-------

Gil dropped her bags on the floor by the foot of the bed.

"The bathroom's at the end of the hall. There's a clean towel behind the door and the sheets are fresh. What's wrong?"

She still stood in the doorway. "This is your bedroom."

"Don't worry. I haven't had any other women in here," he replied with a note of sarcasm.  "

I don't c--" But she did care. "That isn't what I meant."

"There's only one bed." Gil pointed past her. "I'll sleep on the couch."

She knew he was waiting for her to protest some more, but all she wanted was to collapse and die. Whispering, "Okay," she walked over to the bed and sat down. Carefully raising her foot, she bent slightly to untie the shoelace.

"Let me." He knelt and swiftly removed her shoes and socks. "You need anything else?"

She shook her head.

"Just call if you do." He stared at her stomach before glancing at her, seeking permission.

She pulled the shirt up to bare her belly.

Hesitantly, Gil placed his hand on the swelling. His facial expression...

Cath closed her eyes, trying to ignore him. But his palm seared her skin and she didn't know how long she could keep him out. She clenched her hands into fists, preventing them from tangling in his hair--

"Get some sleep."

Her eyes opened, finding him near the door. An impassive mask covered the raw emotion.

She nodded, as he walked out and closed the door behind him.

A few minutes passed before she could move again. She pulled off her jeans and started exploring the room, searching for...something.

The top of the oak dresser was bare except for a bottle of cologne and a pile of papers. She opened the top drawer before she could talk herself out of it. Underwear.

The next two drawers also contained clothing. In the bottom drawer, in addition to sweaters, lay a cardboard box.

Cath stroked her fingertips across the lid, battling within herself.

Was her need to know he'd held on to something of them more important than respect for his privacy?

Didn't the fact that he'd made love to her the night before tell her enough?

Quickly shutting the drawer, she spied the clothes he slept in flung over a chair in the corner. Cath picked up the " I love bugs" t-shirt she'd given him and held it to her cheek, breathing him in.

After closing the heavier curtains to darken the room, she returned to the bed and draped the t-shirt over the pillow. She slipped under the covers and laid her head down on the material, her hands clasped over her belly.

-------


	11. Chapter 11

An Act Of Omission 10/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 10

"You sleep well?" Gil looked up from his position on the couch.

"Yeah." Relieved at his friendly expression, Cath ran her hands over her stomach.

"And now we're starving."

"Just as well dinner's on its way then." Gil stood and she followed him to the kitchen.

"I'm making your favorite."

She caught a whiff of the simmering sauce and halted in the doorway, biting her lip.

"What do you want to drink?" He turned when she didn't answer and she wasn't quick enough to cover her frown.

"What's wrong?"

Trying to smile, she mumbled, "You went to so much trouble--"

"Cath."

"I can't eat it. It gives me heartburn."

"Oh." He switched the stove off. "I didn't know that."

She crossed the room and rested her hand on his arm.

"Don't let it go to waste. I can eat the pasta."

"Not much point in putting it on." He shrugged off her touch and forced her to step back as he moved the saucepan off the burner.

"Anything else I need to know?"

"I'm sorry, Gil. You could've asked." She winced at her combative tone.

"And I'm supposed to believe anything you say?" He glared at her. "What do you want then?"

She waved him off.

"Forget it."

Gil snorted. "That's just like you. Avoid making a decision."

"I've got no problem making the hard decisions." Cath closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to rein in her defensiveness.

"It doesn't matter what I want, you can't give it to me," she continued in a small voice.

"You'll never know if you don't tell me."

She opened her eyes, finding him right in front of her.

"White Castle hamburgers and an egg cream." Her stomach growled in agreement.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "And that won't give you heartburn?"

"I have no idea. Cravings don't exactly make much sense." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway. White Castle isn't out here. I can't even get them in Vegas,"

"Let's go." He headed out of the kitchen.

"Did you hear what I said? They're not available."

He grabbed his keys and wallet off the living room table.

"Yes, they are. I'm sure I've seen frozen ones. Come on."

As Gil searched the frozen food isles of the third supermarket, Cath stated, "The craving's gone. I'll have something else."

He didn't answer, only continued foraging.

"Gil." 

"There's another supermarket three blocks over."

She had to speed up to catch him as he walked towards the door.

"I'm sure there's something at your place I can eat. Let's go home."

He didn't slow or acknowledge her.

Cath grabbed his arm.

"Gil..."

He halted and she nearly ran into him.

"I'm going to get you the damn White Castle hamburgers. I'm going to provide for my daughter's needs."

"I'm going to kill him," Cath muttered under her breath, as Gil walked off again.

She insisted on staying in the car at the next supermarket.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie. I know you're hungry," she told her stomach.

"But could you please shift a little. That's my bladder and I don't want to have to ask your father for a toilet stop. Then we'll never get home."

Cath followed the rippling of a little limb across her abdomen.

"Yeah, I feel like kicking him too. I was only joking about the killing part, though it'd probably be ruled justifiable homicide. He's stubborn."

She smiled.

"But that's how you got here. Your dad wore down my resistance and sneaked in--kind of like the flu. No, that's not true."

Stroking her hands across her belly, she felt tears welling.

"I do love him, Sweetheart. I just hope we can stop yelling at each other long enough to work this out. I know. I need to be more patient."

Cath looked out the window as she noticed movement.

"And here comes the smiling hunter-gatherer carrying grocery bags."

------- 

"Still hungry?"

Cath sat in the single couch chair, at right angles to where Gil was on the opposite end of the loveseat. She patted her stomach.

"We're good."

"Good."

Gil's gaze alternated between her face and her belly.

"Ask what you want."

Might as well get started.

"When's she due?"

An easy one to start.

"December 6. But it could be ten days either side."

He grinned. "So we'll need a huge Christmas tree."

"She's already got a room full of clothes and stuffed toys," Cath warned, picturing a mountain of presents.

"She only has one first Christmas."

"True." Cath toed off her shoes and twisted so she could place her feet up on the loveseat.

Gil positioned a cushion under them.

"And with her birthday so close to Christmas, she'll need enough to get her through the year."

Cath laughed.

"She's already got her daddy wrapped around her little finger."

Pride and love flooded his face at the mention of 'daddy'.

"I've always wanted a daughter," he whispered huskily.

She stayed silent, not wanting to break the first genuine moment of peace between them in nearly twenty-four hours. His hand absentmindedly squeezed her ankle.

"She is all right? She's growing okay?" Worry lines fractured his soft expression as his eyes searched hers for assurance.

"When you collapsed..."

"She's fine." Cath kept her tone even, trying to calm the frantic edge of his questions.

"The dehydration didn't have any effect on her. I see my obstetrician every two weeks and I'm having another scan next week to check her size." She held up her hand to stop his next question.

"It's only a precaution, a confirmation. All the signs show she's growing normally."

"Is every two weeks normal?"

"Gil, I'm forty-two and work crazy hours. Those two things alone are enough to make me high-risk. Add in my hypertension--the doctor's just keeping a close eye on me so she can head off any problems before they occur. Stop worrying."

Cath leaned forward, tilting her head and raising her eyebrows.

"Okay?"

His nod lacked conviction, but she let it go.

"You bought a couple of egg creams, didn't you?"

Within minutes she'd drunk half a bottle.

Seeing Gil's quirked lips and shaking head, she asked,

"What?"

"You have strange cravings."

"This isn't a craving, it's a basic food group. She's going to be born with an egg cream in her hand."

"Why egg creams?"

"I have no idea. I think it's become my coffee substitute."

She set the bottle down on the small table next to her chair.

"This isn't quite as good as the real thing, but it's close enough."

"You're getting the real thing in Vegas?"

"Greg's my supplier." A sudden thought and she let her head fall back against the couch as she laughed.

"I bet it's another step in her Lab-rat indoctrination."

"Lab-rat?"

Cath rolled her eyes at the ceiling. The men in her life were too territorial when it came to their women. She'd have to mitigate their influence.

"Yeah. Sorry if you had another idea in mind. Greg considers it a sacred part of his godfatherly duties. She's already got the teddy-bear that comes with 300 bottles bought at the same time."

"She got a godmother too?"

"Sophia. And Nick and Warrick are introducing themselves as uncles and advisers to the future Supervisor Willows." She paused for a moment and grimaced.

"They're all wonderful and supportive, and Ecklie and Jim have made things easier, but it's all too much sometimes. Everyone defers to the pregnancy and I want to yell, 'Hey! I'm up here. Talk to me, not my belly'." She raised her head to look at him.

"Does that make sense, or is it selfish?"

His face devoid of emotion, he answered in a flat tone, "You asking for my opinion? What would I know? I've never been this close to a pregnancy."

Gil rose from the couch. "I'm going to have a shower."

Her stomach rolled and she tried to reach out to grab his hand, but her body wouldn't allow her to move quickly enough.

"Gil, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Let's talk. You talk."

"Don't. I'm not doing this now. Just--" He dismissed her with a wave of his hand and walked out of the room.

"Then when?" she whispered.

-------

A couple of photos of his mother and various members of the lab decorated his bookshelves...but not one of her.

She'd done the same thing. But it didn't lessen the hurt.

Rubbing her lower back, Cath wandered aimlessly around the living room. This wasn't working out how she'd expected.

The current simmering anger punctuated by small outbursts was incredibly wearing. Massive explosions were much easier to deal with, and part of her itched to provoke one.

She wouldn't, at least not yet. But how much longer before her patience snapped was anyone's guess.

She didn't react when he entered the room, just continued staring at the bookshelf.

"The new entomology advanced research book is a good read."

Her lips quivered and she turned to face him. "Really?"

Gil stood next to the couch dressed in a 'Don't bug me' t-shirt and draw-string pajama pants, his hair a mass of curls from the shower. "So I've heard."

Cath took a hesitant step towards him. He turned away, grabbed one of the sheets he'd dumped on the coffee table, and started to make up the couch.

"I'm beat. Didn't get much sleep last night." He glanced back at her, the unspoken 'thanks to you' written on his face.

"Goodnight."

"Okay," she replied in a wavering voice, understanding that she was being politely dismissed. She clenched her hands. Should she push?

"Cath," he warned. He'd returned his attention to the couch, but she could picture his face from his tone. Eyes closed, lips tight, brow wrinkled.

She opened her mouth to protest. He was taking control, setting the pace. She didn't like it. Didn't like it at all.

"I'm not doing this tonight. Just...go."

Shoulders slumping, she pursed her lips to contain any stray sobs or words. She wanted something he wasn't ready to give. Blinking hard, she willed herself not to cry. She couldn't blame him for acting this way. She had been in charge for months, making all the important decisions without consulting him.

"Goodnight, Cath," he prompted, his hands deliberately smoothing the wrinkles out of the double sheet as he tried to fit it on the sofa cushions.

She watched him, hoping that he'd try as hard to fit her back into his life.

He didn't say anything more, but she felt his agitation growing as she continued to stand there.

A pointless nod in reply to his demands, she strode away quickly, only stopping when she entered his bedroom and closed the door. A wave of dizziness rippled through her. Leaning back against the door, she realized she was hyperventilating.

Calm, calm,' she chanted in her mind, as she brought her breathing under control.  Only then did she dare leave the solid support and take the three steps to the bed. She glanced at the clock on the bedside table as she sat down and pulled off her shoes.

Nine-thirty-five.

Too early for her under normal circumstances, let alone when she'd had a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon. What the hell was she supposed to do?  No way she was lying down until she was actually ready to sleep. The emotional fallout from the previous night was bad enough; the resurgence of her sex drive an extremely unwelcome bonus. Even during their arguments, the lower half of her wanted to jump him. Lying in his bed wide awake...

Should've grabbed a book, but she wasn't going back out to get her head bitten off.

Bending across the foot of the bed, she pulled her hand luggage up onto the mattress. She rummaged through the bag, searching for something, anything, to fill the time.  Cell phone.  She should at least check her messages.  Sophia, Warrick, Nancy, Nancy, Warrick, Nick, Lindsey, Greg and Nancy. Too late to call Lindsey. She could really use a friendly ear about now.  Mom.

Cath pressed the button for her mothers' number and plumped the pillows against the headboard as she listened to the rings.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mom." She settled back against the pillows.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

She smiled. "I'm still in San Francisco."

"But Nancy said you'd be back in Vegas by now. She has Lindsey right?"

"Yes." She rubbed her hand across her belly as exercise time commenced.

"I--I told him."

"Told who"

She bit her lip and took a deep breath. "Gil. I told Gil."

"You had to do it eventually, Sweetheart."

"I know," she whispered.

"How is he?"

She shrugged.

"Happy about being a dad...not so happy with me." She winced as a tiny limb collided with her bladder. Maybe the extra egg cream hadn't been such a good idea.

"Give him some time."

Cath slapped her hand on the bed in frustration. "I haven't got time. We need to get this sorted out now and he won't even talk--"

Her mother's voice was forceful as she interrupted. "When did you tell him?"

"Last night."

"And you expect him to be ready to discuss it rationally right now? You've had months and you're only willing to give him a day? Catherine."

"I need to know if he's going to fight me for custody, if he still--" She swallowed the words. "I need to get past this now."

"If he still loves you?"

Cath fell silent, not daring to address the issue aloud. Her fingers tangled in the sheets as she once again tried to control her breathing.

"Catherine," her mother asked worriedly.

"How's life?"  Lily took the hint and they spent the next few minutes on the subject.

"When are you going back?"

"Sunday afternoon."

"I'd love to see you. You could come up for Saturday lunch and bring Gil."

Cath squeezed her eyes shut. "Mom--"

"No matter what happens between you two, I want to get to know my granddaughter's father. I'm not asking for an answer right now, you can let me know Saturday morning if necessary."

Not wanting an argument, Cath replied, "I'll see."

"Where are you staying?"

"Gil's apartment."

"He got a bath?"

"Yes," she answered with a confused laugh.

"Go and have a long soak." Lily paused before continuing in a softer voice. "I love you."

"I love you too."

------

She'd started carrying a bottle of bubble bath in her luggage early after her start at the lab, after finding she often had the urgency to take a shower after they returned from the crime scenes. And there was no better way to get rid of the smell of death than her favorite bubble bath.

She couldn't have it quite as hot as she liked, but it was still a great way to end the day. Though she'd probably have to stick to showers before too long; she was experiencing increasing difficulty in getting out by herself.

Coordination had always been one of her strong points but her growing belly was throwing her center of gravity off.

If only the taps were closer so she didn't have to shift from her comfortable spot.

Resigned to the fact she had to move or freeze, Cath pushed herself up to a sitting position.  "Shit!" she cried, as shooting pain engulfed the length of her right leg. No matter which way she shifted, every little movement led to agony. She needed to get out now, but there was no way she could do it herself.

"Gil." Probably not loud enough, but she didn't want to wake the neighbors. "Gil"

A little louder. "Gil. I need help." Just yell.

"GIL!"  He stumbled into the bathroom a minute later, hair sticking up in clumps, rambling,

"Is it the baby? It's too early, isn't it? Should I call an ambulance?"

She couldn't help smiling weakly at the classic scene of an overwrought first-time father. Any lingering doubts about his commitment to the baby dissipated. "She's fine," Cath quickly reassured him. "But," she winced, "she's lying on my sciatic nerve and I can't get out."

By the time Gil managed to help her out of the tub and wipe her dry, Cath couldn't hold it in any longer. She dissolved into tears as he wrapped the towel around her.

"Hey," he soothed, pulling her against him.

She rested her head on his shoulder and released the mixture of physical and emotional pain.

"Where does it hurt?"

She guided his hand to a spot on her right hip and he started massaging. Her arms encircled his shoulders, his face pressed against her hair.

As her sobs subsided and she grew lethargic, he kissed her head and whispered, "Let's get you to bed."

Each step was agony and the sobs returned. Gil helped her into her pajamas and then into bed. She lay down on her left side, a pillow between her knees and another behind her back.

"Anything else I can do?" he asked, as he returned to massaging her hip.

Cath shook her head. "Hopefully she'll move by morning."

He brushed her bangs off her forehead with his other hand. "Has this happened before?"

"Last week at work. If Nick ever wants to give up CSI, he could open a massage--"

Gil's hands stilled and his facial expression hardened.

She'd done it again.

"Another godfatherly duty?" He pushed himself to a standing position using the bed as leverage and stalked towards the door.

The combination of pain and frustration shattered what little was left of her patience.

"Yes, Gil. And he jumped into my bed as soon as you left it. I'm just insatiable." She pushed herself up on one elbow and twisted so she could see him at the end of the bed. "Why am I here if you think so little of me? Would you just demand custody and tell me to go to hell! I can't do this any more. Shit!"

Excruciating pain gripped her leg and she fell back onto the bed crying. She bit down hard on her lip and pounded the mattress with her fist.

The bed sagged behind her and he gently kneaded her hip.

The spasm slowly eased, along with her tears, but she kept her body tense. She wasn't leaning on him again until she knew whether there was a place for her in his life.

"Relax," he whispered.

"I'm sorry, Gil." Her throat was scratchy and she had to cough.

"Not now."

"Yes, now." She should say it to his face, but there was no way in hell she could roll over. And it just might be a bit easier not looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

"You did."

His hand had stilled on her hip, but she felt some relief that he hadn't broken contact.

"I know I did. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, and if I could go back--"

She bit her lip. Tell him what he wanted to hear or the truth? There'd been enough lies. "I'd do the same thing."

Gil snorted and this time he did remove his hand. "Thanks."

She turned as far as she could to look over her shoulder without moving her body.

"Don't you dare leave. You're going to listen to what I have to say and if, after that, you don't want anything to do with me beyond our daughter--" She had to choke out the final word, "fine."

His face wasn't in her line of vision, but she watched him shuffle towards the headboard and lean against it. Turning her head back, she closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

The words started spilling out on the exhale. "I did what I thought was best for everyone. I couldn't see any other choice. We've still got so much to do and as Supervisors we're not going to get another chance."

"So you denied my daughter her father for the good of the Lab?"

"The scandal of being a single mother of two is at least an order of magnitude less than sleeping with a coworker--"

"Cut the interrogation tone, Cath, otherwise I am leaving," Gil growled. "And I don't want to hear the sleeping with a co-worker excuse. You seemed to be pretty happy fucking me, but then that was in secret. The baby kinda blew your cover. Am I," he paused and swallowed audibly, his voice softer and hesitant when he restarted, "are you embarrassed by me?"

"No! God, no!" Cath reached behind her, but she couldn't find him. "Don't you ever think that."

Dammit. She had to move, she had to see him, look at him. Wincing, she pushed up using her elbow.

Gil's hand clasped her shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"I need to sit up."  After some effort and more than a little pain, she settled against the headboard. Gil put enough space between them to avoid any chance of accidental touching, and stared straight ahead.

"I'm not embarrassed by you." She twisted the sheets around her fingers. "I just--I've betrayed the lab...and Jim."  He flinched.

"They told me again and again that I couldn't engage in anything personal with a co-worker, but I did it anyway."

"It's a job, Cath."

"You know it's more than that. They're my family and--" She breathed deeply.

"I can't bear the thought of their disappointment."

He turned to her, his eyes damp but his face impassive. "And that's more important than our family?"

"No! I don't know..." Cath ran her hands over her face and tried to order her thoughts.

"I was trying to protect everybody--"

"And just how were you protecting me by taking my baby away?" Anger had returned to his voice.

"Your job--"

"I was changing my job!"

"And I'm not a mind reader," she snapped, before regaining control. "It didn't make any difference. Everyone could count on their fingers and work out when she was conceived. I wasn't risking your job."

"That wasn't your choice to make, Cath!" Fury tensed his body as he pushed himself off the bed and started to pace. "You had no right to make that decision for me."

"I had to make the decision." Damn him for getting up. She didn't like the height disadvantage.

"Newsflash, Gil. They aren't going to just forgive us. We can't have our jobs and the baby. There isn't any happily ever after." She paused for a moment to breathe. "You're too damn honorable. You'd insist on doing the right thing no matter the cost."

He looked at her with wide eyes and an incredulous expression.

"You honestly think this is just about doing the right thing? Even if there wasn't a baby, I'd put you before my job."

"You didn't before," she mumbled.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Lifting his hands to the back of his neck, he searched his memory.

"The teaching job two years ago? For chrissake, Cath! I'm not going to justify that with a response."

"And I wasn't going to let you throw away your career and then resent me for it in a couple of years."

"Just stop!" Gil slammed his hands down on the bedside table. "You've been spinning and controlling for so long you can't remember how to let things develop and just happen naturally."

Cath's jaw tightened and she clenched her hands into fists. "No, I just face the reality of the situation."

Gil leaned towards her. "You want the reality? I loved you and wanted a life with you. Why do you think I was interviewing for a new job? And that was before the baby."

She couldn't breathe. There it was. Past tense. Her head dropped to hide the tears that were threatening to drown her. She'd been waiting, expecting, but some masochistic part of her had dared to hope.

It was over.

Staring at her hands, she somehow managed to find her voice and imbue it with strength she didn't feel.

"I won't fight you on joint custody. It's not going to be easy with us on opposite coasts, but we'll work it out. Though I would appreciate it if my mother could have some visitation while she's with you."

"I'm not interested in joint custody. I want to be more than a part-time dad."

Cath choked down the bile as her mind screamed. "I'm not--"

A sob shuddered through her body and she forced her head up. "I'm not giving up my daughter. I know I hurt you, but please don't take her away from me."

"No!"

Gil's facial expression softened as he climbed back onto the bed and reached for her. The sagging of the mattress shifted her hip and she winced. He grasped her joined hands in one of his, and cupped her cheek with the other.

"I'm not talking about full custody. I'm not going to take her away from you." '

"Then what?" She shook her head, thoroughly confused.

Staring directly into her eyes, he said in a calming tone, "I want us to raise her together. We don't have to work it out tonight. I love you." He squeezed her hands and rubbed his thumb against her face.

"I don't like you very much at the moment, but I still love you."

She leaned into him, her need for the comfort of his body greater than the pain from the sciatica, and let the tears flow.

-------


	12. Chapter 12

An Act Of Omission 11/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 11

A light breeze ruffled the curtains, the dappled sunlight dancing across her face. She reached behind her, finding nothing but cool sheet.

Maybe she'd imagined his hand on her hip and his chest against her back last night. Or he'd gone back to the couch as soon as she was asleep.

The smile she'd awoken with faded under the onslaught of doubts. Had he said he loved her? But did that mean he was still in love with her? And was the wanting to raise the baby together just words to calm her down?

She rolled carefully onto her back, steeling herself for pain. Nothing. A slow ascent to a sitting position ended with a sigh of relief.

"How's the hip?"

Cath looked up as Gil entered the bedroom.

"She's moved."

"Good." He stood at the end of the bed, his hands clasping and unclasping with nervousness. "Anything particular you want for breakfast?"

She shook her head and pointed to her bags. "In the smaller one, there's a long black box. Could you please get it for me?"

He sat on the edge of the bed as she tightened the blood pressure cuff around her upper arm.

"I take it each morning. If it gets above a certain level I have to contact my doctor," she explained.

"How is it?" he asked, as she wrote down the readings in a small notebook.

"A little high, but nothing to worry about."

She didn't mention part of it was probably due to the arousal she felt every time he was close. Hell...was it safe for her to have sex? Maybe she should call Dr. Martin. Not that Gil was likely to want to touch her again.

"Cath?" He squeezed her wrist.

"You okay?"

"Yeah." No point in both of them worrying that they may have harmed the baby. She'd call the doctor as soon as Gil left the room.

"As long as you're sure your hip is okay, I thought we might go shopping this morning." His slightly wistful tone and raised eyebrows left no doubt what the shopping would involve.

"That sounds good." She had too much to make up to him.

-------

Dr. Martin's reassurance relaxed her enough so she could enjoy Gil's reactions in the baby store. He was fascinated by the size of the newborn clothes and gushed over the fairy princess dresses. Though she had to draw the line at too much pink, lace or frills.

"But she's a little girl."

"And if she takes after her mother, there will be quite a bit of tomboy in her," she'd replied with a laugh.

He'd refused to show her all his purchases, taking the three bags to the car and then returning to the mall to peruse the pregnancy section of the bookshop.

"You got any of these?"

Cath pointed to two books on the top shelf, stopping on the second. "That one's been the most useful."

He pulled it off the shelf and scanned the spines of the others. "Here's the instruction manuals for fathers."

Leaving him to his investigation, she wandered over to the children's section. So many things were up in the air, but one thing she knew for certain; their daughter would be raised with a love of books after her father"

"Watcha reading?" he asked over her shoulder.

She was too close to tears to answer, so she closed the book to show him the cover.

"Heidi." He moved around in front of her and reached out his hand to tilt up her chin.

"What's wrong?"

She couldn't avoid his worried eyes. Swallowing hard, she managed to croak out, "Sam used to read it to me," before bursting into tears.

Gil took the book from her hands and enveloped her in a cuddle. She buried her face in his neck and sobbed.

"Oh, god. This is embarrassing." She pulled away and wiped roughly at her eyes.  "Nobody's looking," he assured her.

Cath glanced quickly at the book back on the shelf and then at him. "You finished?"

"Yep." He indicated a small library sitting on top of a bookstand.

"Sure you got enough?"

"Nope."

"I need the bathroom."

"There's one out the door and to the left." He squeezed her elbow. "You go while I double the national debt."

She nodded. "Where do I meet you?"

"The cafe directly across. Our daughter's probably wanting lunch."

------ 

Gil dumped most of the bags on the coffee table and carried the remainder into the hall, while she toed off her shoes and collapsed lengthways onto the couch.

"Need anything?" he asked on his return.

She shook her head. "We're good."

Lifting her legs, he sat down at the end of the couch and rested her feet on his lap.

Cath closed her eyes and purred, as he massaged from her calves to her toes. It felt unbelievably good to be pampered.

She must've dozed off; when she opened her eyes again, Gil was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, surrounded by baby things. Rolling onto her side, she tangled her fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck.

"How long was I asleep?"

"About an hour." He held up a tiny pink jumpsuit. "Are you sure this is going to be big enough?"

"Apparently."

The doubts reasserted themselves. "What if I break her?"

"You won't."

"I know next to nothing about babies."

He twisted his body around to face her, resting his left arm on the couch. "We never talked about it. Did you want kids?"

No more lies.

"Not really."

His eyes flicked between her face, her belly and the couch. "Did you--" He took a deep breath. "Did you consider ending it?"

She joined him in his contemplation of the couch covering. "No."

"Why not? I mean I'm glad you didn't, but if you don't want kids..."  The jumpsuit lay on the couch between them; she retrieved it and held it against her face, as her mother's words from that night in Napa replayed in her head.

"Cath?"

No more lies. She'd promised. "If it had been someone else, I probably would've, but"

She looked up at him and placed her hand on his arm. "Not ours."

He opened his mouth, closed it, and then looked down.

Squeezing his arm, she whispered, "Gil?"

The muscles and tendons tensed beneath her fingers and he turned back to the coffee table, pulling out of her grasp. "I forgot while we were out. Is there anything in particular you want for dinner?"

She bit her lip as she watched his back and listened to the scrunching of packaging and bags. Her hand reached out, but she pulled back before she touched his hair. One rejection was enough.

-------

C-SPAN. Click. CNN. Click. Fox News. Quicker click. Some woman dancing seducingly to a slow song on VH1. Click off.

She'd spent the last hour, since Gil had retreated to his home office, trying to find something to occupy her mind.

With a shake of her head, Cath leaned forward and grabbed one of the new pregnancy books off the coffee table. Were they telling fathers anything new or earth shattering? Was there a chapter on what to do when your partner lied to you?

"Watcha doing?" his voice came from behind her.

She tensed and then relaxed at his friendly tone. "Apparently most first-time fathers are scared that they'll hit the baby during sex."

"Really?" She could picture his grin. "I'd need to do some measuring, but I don't really think..."

He paused, his breath warm on the side of her neck. "Should we have--the other night--with your blood pressure--"

She put the book down on the couch and turned sideways, pulling her left leg up under her backside. "It's fine, Gil." She squeezed his wrist.

"You sure?" Worry lines creased his face.

Cupping his cheek, she nodded.

"Yes. I called Dr. Martin this morning. Apart from a couple of provisos, it's safe for me to have sex."

"Such as length?" His attempt at humor didn't quite displace his anxiety.

"She didn't mention it, but I don't think we have to worry about that." She smiled at his exaggerated wounded expression.

"Just no marathon sessions or Cirque du Soleil positions, and I'm not allowed flat on my back."

"I always have liked you on top," he whispered, clasping the back of her hand and turning his head to kiss her palm.

Arousal surged through her, flushing her skin and twisting her stomach. She tightened her grip on his wrist and closed her eyes, submerging herself in the sensation. Was there a way to get him around her side of the couch without breaking contact?

He released her hand and brushed his knuckles across her cheek, before clasping the back of her head and pulling her towards--

"Shit!" she cried, as her left calf and foot cramped. She struggled to push up off the couch, her stomach proving an impediment.

"Wait a minute." Gil was in front of her, bracing her elbows.

"Up slowly."

Using his shoulders for support, she pressed down on her toes, trying to relieve the cramps. "I think my body's telling me I'm too old for this."

"Or that you shouldn't sit on your leg." His hands rested on her hips, his thumbs pressing small circles into her skin.

"Better?"

"Yeah." With his help, she sat back down with her feet propped up on a cushion on the coffee table.  '

"I've heard people say that babies know when their parents are about to get intimate, but I didn't realize it started this early," he joked.

Cath laughed as her head fell back on the couch. Turning towards him, she placed her hand on his thigh. The arousal had dissipated but she didn't mind. A return to relaxed familiarity was good.

"I bought you something." Gil twisted around and bent his arm over the back of the couch, the action bringing his face close to hers.

She resisted the urge to kiss him, but took the opportunity to reacquaint herself with his face. New lines radiated from the corners of his eyes.

The rustle of plastic captured her attention as he settled back and reached into a shopping bag.

She gasped and then smiled as she accepted the gift.

"I still deny I look anything like him."

"I don't know," she quipped, as she held up the Aladdin Genie doll beside his head.

"I'd have trouble telling you apart in a line up. Similar coloring, soft and cuddly."

"You been hiding a blue fetish?"

"No more hiding."

Laying the doll in her lap, she traced its face with her finger.

"I bought one of these last week."

"Oh." The disappointment was clear in his voice. "I can try returning it."

She shook her head. "No. She can play with one and the other can be for display."

More plastic rustling. "I hope you haven't got one of these yet." He held up a dvd of

"Aladdin."

"No."

"Good. I thought we could watch it after dinner."

She cradled the doll to her chest.

"It was Lindsey's all time favorite. We watched it so many times, but the tape got lost in the divorce frenzy. Doesn't matter anyhow, she wouldn't want to watch it with me anyways...ever since I told her she's been so mad at me..." she felt tears welling.

"Hey." Gil wound his arm around her body and pulled her against him.

"She'll come around"  She rested her head on his shoulder.

"I hope so, hopefully after she is born."

"Do you want me to call her?" His mouth vibrated against her hair.

"Mom's invited us up for lunch tomorrow," she was changing the subject and she knew it, but before she was sure of this, she didn't want Lindsey even remotely near him.

"She knows?"

"She's known for quite awhile." Cath rested her hand on his jeans-clad thigh. "She wants to meet you."

After several minutes of silence, Cath lifted her head.

"Hey." With one hand on his cheek, she turned him to face her. "You don't have to be nervous."

"Weren't you when you told them you were pregnant?"

"Yes," she admitted, with a roll of the eyes.

"Mostly telling Lindsey."

"I think I have a right to be nervous." His forehead furrowed. "I got you pregnant without a ring on your finger--"

"I'm not sixteen, Gil."  He took a deep breath and turned away. "And then I walked out on you."

"Don't." Grasping his chin, she forced him to look at her.

"Don't you say or even think that."

"It's what people are going to be thinking and probably saying."

"Who cares what they--" She winced at her own hypocrisy as Gil grimaced.

"If anyone says anything, I'll tell them that I'm the selfish bitch who kicked--"

He placed his fingers over her lips.

"Don't. Just don't."

Shaking her head, she continued, desperate for him to know. "I'm not going to let anyone think that you--"

His mouth swallowed the rest of her words. The kiss was tender, almost chaste, and he ended it too soon. Leaning his forehead against hers, he whispered, "Call your mom and ask her what time tomorrow. I'll go and make dinner."

------

"I like him," Lily stated, as she took Cath's hand in hers.

Cath looked back towards the house. "I hope Nancy isn't giving him too hard a time."  Nancy and Lindsey had come out to join them, and even though Lindsey was mad at Gil, she quickly surrendered, having missed her uncle Gil. Nancy on the other hand was mad at Gil for leaving Cath, no matter what she had said or done.

"Relax, Sweetheart. I think Gil can hold his own."

"As long as he doesn't get talked into setting a wedding date." She turned back to her mother with a frown. "He break any suspect in five minutes, solve a crime better and faster than anyone I know and he is the best at what he does always, but I've never seen him as nervous as this morning."

Lily reached out and stroked Cath's cheek.

"Well, it is rather nerve-wracking to meet the family of the woman you love."

"You really like him?" She grimaced at the waver in her voice and her need for approval and reassurance. "God. How old am I?" Throwing up her hands and shaking her head, she resumed walking.

"You're never too old to have doubts."

"Great."

Lily laughed. "I really do like him. And I know this is going to sound terribly corny, but the way he looks at you...I have no doubt he's in love with you."

Cath stopped again and looked up at the overcast sky. "Me or the baby?"

"You know the answer to that."

"I don't know anything any more." She sank to the grass, stretching her legs out in front of her and resting back on her hands. "Except you're right about one thing."

"I'm actually right about most things." Lily sat down facing Cath and patted her leg.

"Which thing am I particularly right about?"

Closing her eyes, Cath replied in a low voice, "That I wouldn't be having her if I didn't love her father." She bit her lip.

"I just don't know if it's going to be enough."

"Look at me, Catherine." She continued once Cath had met her gaze.

"You're not going to know if you don't try."

Swiping at a couple of escaped tears, Cath nodded.

"That's the other thing I do know."

"And pregnancy hormones are a bitch."

She leaned into the hand Lily placed on her cheek and managed to speak through a choked laugh. "I know more things than I thought I did."

"At the risk of adding to the corn crop, another thing I know is that you're never too old to need a cuddle from your mom," Lily said, her own voice cracking.

With a muffled sob, Cath let herself relax into her mother's arms.

-------

She wanted to know what Gil and Nancy had talked about, but she hadn't really had a chance to ask him. They'd stayed for dinner and then she'd fallen asleep on the drive home. She knew from their interactions that it had gone well, and Nancy had whispered to her, "He's a keeper," as they'd hugged goodbye. But she needed details.

Pulling up her pajama top, she stroked her belly as her daughter began the daily aerobics session. "Your aunt and mother like him."

"So, I have been granted the Flynn seal of approval?"

She matched his grin as he crossed the room. "You're a little undersized, but not enough to throw back."

"That's a relief." He sat down on the bed facing her and placed his hands on her stomach.

"Does it hurt?"

The wonder in his expression made her stomach tighten. After seeing what this meant to him, could she honestly still say she'd do the same thing again?

"Not really. It feels like mutant butterflies wearing combat boots." She covered his hands with hers. "Though it's a pain when she starts on my bladder. It'll get worse. Terri said it'll feel like she's trying to break out."

"Don't beat up on your mom too much, Kidlet. She's a champion as--backside kicker and you don't want to get on her list. Believe me, I've been there." He looked up with a smirk. "Though it did have its pluses."

"Like what?"  

Gil shifted closer. "Like you paid attention to me."

She'd always found it hard to resist the combination of boyish charm and devilish smile. "You're easy to please."

"I'm very easy." His eyes fixed on her lips.

Her body tingled with arousal. "I also like you hard."

"That's pretty easy to arrange."

His words fanned her face.

"Show me."

He moved her hand to his groin as their mouths met. She wrapped her other arm around his neck and he slipped his hands up under her top.

Definitely easy--until a little one got tired of being ignored.

Cath pulled back grimacing.

"Shit, crap, damn! Move, quick." She waved at him to get out of the way.

"What?"

"She's squeezing my bladder," she hissed, as she scrambled off the bed with his help and sprinted, actually more waddled, towards the bathroom.

Gil was stretched out on the bed, leaning against the headboard, when she returned.

"Should we take a vow of celibacy until she goes to college?"

She laughed.

"Might have to."

"Or would a bedtime story help?" He held up a picture book.

Gasping, she reached out to touch the cover of 'Heidi'.

"Gil," was all she managed before bursting into tears.

He pulled her down onto the bed and into his arms, stroking her back until she calmed.

"I'm sorry." She leaned back to look at him. "These hormones..."

Cupping her face, he kissed her lightly on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Let's see if we can get our kidlet to sleep."

Cath moved next to him on the bed, lying on her side with her head on his chest and his arm around her.

She closed her eyes and drifted away on the stream of familiar words.

-------


	13. Chapter 13

An Act Of Omission 12/12

Disclaimer: Don't own them just borrowing – and to Kat31, hope this is ok!

Rating: SUPERVISOR

Spoilers: None

Author's Notes: This story is part mine, part Kat31's. The core idea and dialogue is based very much on her story "How could I Ever Know" from the West Wing archive, but this story is Grillows all the way – I thought it would fit perfectly and it did. Forgive me for not including Lindsey in this. I wanted this to be all Grillows! So thank her for this storyline, and me for making it into a Grillows version.

Summary: Catherine and Gil's new relationship is thrown into a heartbreaking crisis. But sometimes choices bring you full circle. Catherine's POV.

Cath's mother, Lily Flynn now lives in San Francisco for the sake of the story – and their relationship has improved.

Chapter 12

Confusion flooded her mind as she surfaced through the layers of sleep. Trapped, held against something hard...something snoring...

She opened her eyes and breathed again. It had been too long since she'd woken in his arms. Supporting her weight on her elbow, she glanced at the clock on the bedside table. She'd been asleep for a couple of hours.

A flood of warmth pooled between her thighs as she looked down at him. Now or maybe never.

"Gil," she whispered.

No response.

Running her hand over his chest, she repeated a little louder,

"Gil."

"Hmmmm?" His eyes remained closed, but his arm tried to pull her back against his chest.

"I've got a cramp. I need a massage."

That got his attention, his eyes flying open.

"Your leg?"

"No." She picked up the hand that wasn't already touching her and placed it on her breast. "Here. And other places."

Gil blinked and his lips contorted in confusion. "How do you get a cramp there?" His fingers rubbed her breast. "I need to read those books."

"I didn't think I was that rusty." Frowning, Cath let go of his hand and flopped back down on the bed.

"Oh." He rolled to face her. "Were you trying to seduce me, Miss Willows?"

She thumped him in the arm. "You're hilarious."

"Amongst other things. I just wish I'd known how easy it is to put you to sleep. Would've come in handy when you were overly frisky. Ow," he complained, grabbing her wrist after she thumped him again.

"You're not supposed to hit the father of your child."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Leaning his head towards her, he whispered, "But you're supposed to kiss him."

"I didn't know that."

"Well, now you do." He released her wrist and started placing sloppy, noisy kisses on her face.

She laughed and tried to push his head away, but he just pulled her closer.

"Gil!"

Between kisses, he whispered in an overly dramatic tone, punctuated by heavy breathing, "I love it when you call my name--you're so sexy on top--you make me so hard--give it to me, baby--"

"You're so--" Her giggles made it difficult to speak, especially when he started on her neck. "Hot when you're like this."

"I know--I'm a love machine."

"You're nuts!"

"You love my nuts." He blew a raspberry on her neck. "Don't you?"

"Yes!" She was heading for full-blown hysterics.

"The kidlet's asleep?"

Another raspberry.  "Yes."

"And she's not lying on your bladder?"

Again.  "Yes."

She only just managed to get the word out.

"You sure you don't want to visit the bathroom, just in case?"

"Yes." She grabbed his hair and pulled before he could raspberry again. "But if I don't stop laughing, I will need to go."

He brought his head back up level with hers and the way he looked at her--her laughter stalled.

"What?"  Barely touching her cheek with his fingers, he whispered, "God, I've missed you."

He kissed her before the hormones could switch over to crying mode. Softly, only lips. His hand slipped under her shirt and caressed the side of her belly, as he whispered, "I want to see you."

Battling to steady herself under the onslaught of arousal and emotion, Cath sat up and pulled the pajama top off over her head.

"All of you. Stand up."

She looked everywhere but at him. He'd seen her naked in the previous few days, but the idea of being studied made her more than a little uncomfortable. This wasn't the body he'd been attracted to.

Gil knelt on the bed in front of her and pried her crossed arms away from her chest. She nibbled at her lip as her breathing became erratic.

"Hey." He squeezed her hand and waited until their eyes met. "You are gorgeous. Just look down to know what you're doing to me."

Much to her chagrin, she felt her face blush hot.

Dropping her hand, he cupped her breasts and stimulated her nipples with his thumbs. She closed her eyes, whimpering as he left her right breast; sighing as his mouth took over. Any remnants of self-consciousness disappeared.

Down her chest and stomach his hands stroked, lips and tongue following in their wake. She could barely stand by the time he slipped a hand between her thighs.

"Gil," she gasped, clutching his shoulders as he pressed on her clit. "I want you now."

Lowering her body onto him, she was finally sure of one thing. She was glad she told him.

-------  

Gil looked up from his newspaper and smiled. "Good morning."

"Would've been better if you'd still been in bed," she complained, her own smile betraying her annoyed tone.

"I thought you could do with the extra sleep."

He beckoned her over to where he sat at the dining table.

"You were busy last night."

"Is that what they're calling it these days?"

His arm slid around her waist, pulling her close so he could kiss her belly. "How's your blood pressure?"

"Fine."

She rested her arm on his shoulders and leaned against him, as she scanned the headlines.

"And you?"

"A little sore." His body tensed and she looked down at him, finding a worried expression on his face.

"The good type of sore."

"You sure?"

Stroking her fingers over the lines on his forehead, she nodded. "Though maybe it was best you weren't in bed when I woke up. I'm horny, but my body's tired."

"There are other ways, you know. Let me do the work."

The tone of his voice and the want in his eyes stirred her hormones into a frenzy. "I need breakfast first."

"Okay." Standing, he pulled her into a two-arm cuddle. "What time's your flight?"

"Ten past three."

A much missed drug teased her nostrils and tongue as she kissed him. Licking her lips and pulling away, she grabbed his coffee mug and headed for the kitchen.

"Eggs?"

She nodded as she refilled his mug and added cream. "Wait a minute."

He accepted the proffered drink, stating, "I don't take cream."

"I do. Drink it."

"Why?" His face crinkled in confusion.

She gestured with her hand. "Take a sip and I'll show you."

"I've already had my two cups--"

"Just do it."

Obeying her orders, Gil drank several mouthfuls before giving the mug back to her. Cath placed it on the kitchen counter and clasped his head between her hands.

Several drops had caught in the whiskers around his mouth and she lapped them up first. His lips curved into a grin as he realized what she was doing. With a glare, she warned him to follow her lead.

She ran her tongue along his lips and back before pressing her lips against his. When he didn't react, she growled his name.

He responded by caressing her butt and pulling her closer, only then opening his mouth.

The combination of caffeine and Gil sent her reeling. He backed her up against the counter as the kissing continued. She'd forgotten how to breathe by the time he broke with her mouth and trailed kisses down her neck. Her hormones screamed for release.

They must've been audible because Gil immediately slipped his hand between her thighs, pressing the seam of her jeans against her clit. She rocked her hips, increasing the friction, as his mouth paid homage to her breasts.

She wanted to tangle her fingers in his curls, but the intensity of her arousal was making her head spin and she grabbed hold of the counter to steady herself. Wouldn't take much more...

"That's damn good coffee," she gasped when she could speak again.

A self-congratulatory grin highlighted his face.

"You want some more?"  A growl from her stomach reminded them of more immediate concerns.

"Maybe later."

He kissed her quickly and headed for the refrigerator.

"Eggs coming up."  

------- 

Hell.

She'd only been going to close her eyes for a few minutes, but nearly ninety had passed. They'd have to leave for the airport in under an hour.

The silence in the apartment seeped into her brain as she dressed.

"Gil?"

A note lay on the dining table. 'Back soon.'

"When's soon?" she grumbled, before heading back to the bedroom to pack.

The front door slammed as she debated whether to take the Aladdin dvd and doll with her.

"Cath?"

"Bedroom."

He slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him. Kissing her neck, he whispered, "Sleep well?"

"You should've woken me earlier." She turned her head to receive a kiss on the lips.

"Got plenty of time." Releasing her, he sat down on the bed next to her bag and pointed to the gifts she held. "They are yours."

"I just thought..."

"What?"

"I don't know." It was easier to just take them home.

"So...are you going to tell them tomorrow?"

"Who?" Where was her makeup bag? On the dresser.

"The others."  She shrugged as she looked over the room once more for her things.

"I'm not telling them now." Satisfied everything was accounted for, she closed the bag.

"Then when?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

"Don't you think we'd better work out what we're doing?"

Cath dropped her bag to the floor near the door and snorted in disbelief. "You want to do this now? In the next forty minutes?"

"Can you push your flight back?"

"No." She shook her head. "I haven't had a day with Lindsey in a week and it's going to be late enough when I get home."

Gil rose from the bed and started pacing, his hands joining in the conversation. "We need to talk sometime."

"And we couldn't have done that this morning instead of--" She gestured to the bed.

"Instead of fucking?" Gil snarled. "I didn't hear you complaining."

Any attempt at controlling her temper evaporated. "Don't you dare put this on me. I've been trying to talk since that first night, but you kept shutting me out."

"I wasn't ready," he yelled back.

She took three steps forward and poked him in the chest with her index finger. "Well, that's your problem. We're not doing this now."

With gritted teeth, he replied, "When then? Or should I get my lawyer to call your lawyer?"

"That might be a better idea." Grabbing her cell phone from her handbag, she demanded, "What's the number for the cab company?"

"You don't need a cab."

She stepped back when he tried to seize it. "I'm not doing this at the airport. What's the number?" When he just stood still and glared, she started for the living room. "Fine. I'll find it myself."

His last words followed her. "Go on, Cath. Run away. It's what you do best."

------- 

For the umpteenth time since she'd arrived at the airport, she pulled out her cell and punched in his number. And for the umpteenth time cancelled the call before it connected.

Staring out the window at the planes on the tarmac, she debated whether lawyers might be the best way to reach some kind of settlement.

If they couldn't find a way before the baby was born, what were the chances of agreeing after?

Not that they'd exactly tried. But what were the options? Their jobs were thousand of miles apart. If he came back to Vegas, her career was as good as over. Was his any safer?

How could she tell the people she loved that she'd lied to them? Could they forgive her?

She should've stuck to her original decision. The passage of time had only compounded her sins.

Lowering her head and blinking to clear her vision, she dropped the cell into her handbag. Do the minimum to keep Gil happy and quiet, and devise a plan to keep this part of her life a secret. Piece of cake.

He sat down next to her. She didn't need to look to confirm.

"You had lunch?"

She nodded in reply, staring down at her hands twisting in her lap. An object appeared in her field of vision. "Thanks," she whispered, as she accepted the bottle of egg cream.

For five minutes they sat silently side-by-side. Her mind constructed sentences before discarding them unspoken. Maybe if she knew what his opening negotiating position was--hell, she'd been in the business of crime too long.

"I'm sorry." His breath fanned her cheek.

"No." She couldn't look at or touch him, not in public and not if she wanted to maintain some semblance of control.

"I'm the one who should be sorry. I haven't given you enough time to get used to it. I just--I'm--"  He completed her words.

"I'm scared."  "I feel like I'm sixteen." Her voice cracked a little as the back of his hand brushed her thigh. She leaned her leg into his touch.

"Are you sure we're adults?"

"Yeah, we're adults. We've got way too many competing responsibilities to be anything else." He paused and took a deep breath. "I want this so much, but I don't know how to make it work."

"That makes two of us." Touching her fingertips to his, she let her mouth ignore her brain. "Come to Vegas on Saturday. I've got the doctor's appointment and you'll be able to see her on the scan."

"I'd like that."

The huskiness in his voice made her turn her head ever so slightly to see him swiping at his eyes. Her need to comfort him overrode the fear of discovery as she threaded her fingers between his.

The next twenty minutes were punctuated with occasional snippets of conversation, but mostly they were content just to be close.

"That's you," he commented after a boarding announcement sounded through the lounge.

"Yeah."

"Call me when you get home so I know you're both safe."

"I will." She shook her head as Gil pulled her in for a cuddle. "Not here."

"Shh. People will think it weird if we don't," he whispered in her ear.

Cath glanced around at the people embracing and relaxed slightly, while still keeping a wary eye out for anyone paying them too much attention.

He stroked the side of her belly and their daughter responded.

"Did you have to wake her?" The plane trip was going to be uncomfortable enough without being kicked.

"Sorry."

"No, you're not."

"True." Placing a kiss near her ear, he breathed, "I love you," and pulled back.

Barely controlling her tears by biting her lip, she could only nod.

"Here." He held out her handbag.

Stepping closer than necessary to accept it, she kissed him on the cheek before turning and walking away.

-------

She was nervous. What if he wasn't coming? For days they had spoken on the phone every night, him asking a million questions about the baby, her loving the sound of his voice, as he lulled her to sleep.

But they had never really spoken of him actually joining her for the doctor's appointment. Last night she had been meaning to ask him, but she was so afraid he'd say no, that she simply let it pass.

She was almost ready to go and no Gil. She felt tears threaten to fall but willed herself to stay strong. She put on her coat and grabbed her purse. She could do this alone.

She pulled the door open and walked right into his arms. She broke down as he lifted her into his arms and walked to the couch where he held her and stroke her hair softly.

"You came"

"Did you ever doubt it?"

Her heart was saying no, but her head still wasn't sure if he was back for good or just visiting.

------

Feeling a little drained after the doctor's, she'd left Gil in the living room with the ultrasound pictures and her pregnancy diary, and retreated to her bedroom for a nap.

A tinkling tune greeted her on waking. She found him in the nursery holding a music box.

"My grandfather gave it to me when I was born. Mom held on to it." '

"It's beautiful." Gil wound it again before setting it down on the dresser. With a bow, he held out his hand. "May I have this dance?"

As they waltzed slowly around the room, she allowed herself to relax in the comfort and security of his arms.

"I can't believe how much she's grown in three months," he whispered against her cheek.

"I can. My stomach was flat at the first scan." She tried to nestle closer. "Now it's keeping us apart."

"Doesn't have to." Releasing and spinning her one-eighty, he pulled her back against his body, his hands settling over her belly. "See. We still fit."  Cath tilted her head as he started nibbling her neck.

"Don't think your arms are going to be long enough in another three months."

"She was so life-like at eleven weeks."

"I wish I had a picture of her after the CVS." She smiled in memory. "She had her little fist up like she was going to punch the doctor."

"Definitely your daughter."

Slapping his arm and laughing, she leaned her head back on his shoulder so she could view his face. "Did you see that thing she was doing with her forehead?"

"What, this?" Gil raised his eyebrows.

"Awwww." Cath traced the resulting lines. "She's going to have her daddy's wrinkles."

He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. "I've missed seeing you smile."

Cath blushed and changed the subject, pointing towards the dresser. "Did you see the Don't Bug me sleepers over there? Guess who those are from."

Gil chuckled and began swaying with her in time to the music again. "For such a tiny girl, she's sure got a lot of things."

Cath agreed with a laugh. "Her wardrobe's bigger than mine."

"I didn't think that was possible."

She could picture the impish grin from the tone of his voice. "I've had to curtail Nick. He was giving me something almost every day. He's cut down to once a week or so."

"What's the bet his place is doubling as a baby shop?"

"Pretty low odds." She pointed to the large bear on the floor in front of them. "That's from him. She's not going near it until she's bigger than it."

"And I'd guess the cap is from Warrick."

"You okay with the Lab-theme?"

"I'll live." He slowly turned them.

"Those butterflies look familiar."

The music stopped and they stood still and silent, surrounded by baby things. Cath shifted her head to rest against his, and their fingers interlaced over their daughter.

"Thank you," she whispered, hoping he wouldn't ask for clarification.

It was gratitude for everything and nothing in particular.

-------

Drawing her knees up as far as her stomach would allow, she rested her head back against the wood frame of her bedroom window sill and stared out at the lights of Vegas.

It had been a good day. The expression on his face during the scan; their dance in the nursery; making love as the light from the setting sun streaked gold and red and purple across their skin. The night had been relaxed: eating their favorite take-out on the couch followed by a series of light comedy. She'd soaked in a bubble bath while he sat on a towel on the bathroom floor, just chatting as he stroked her stomach. And laughter when he found her duck and complained how even the simplest toys had become high tech. He recovered quickly from his embarrassment and put D.D. to work.  And in fourteen hours he'd be gone.

The last five days had been more difficult and lonely than the past four months. But there still weren't any answers.

"Cath? Is something wrong?"

She turned her head as Gil approached out of the shadows.

"Couldn't sleep."

He brushed the back of his hand across her cheek before sitting on the sill close to her feet. Twisting his upper body, he leaned forward and rested his chin on her knees.

She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair.

Sadness washed over his face, his voice echoing his pain as he whispered, "Deja vu." He pulled away and stared out the window.

She made her decision in that moment.

Lowering her feet to the floor, she stood and moved in front of him.

"Cath?" He blinked up at her.

She put her index finger on his lips. "Shhh. I need to tell you something." Untying the sash around her robe, she parted the material, exposing her bare skin. She grasped his hands and placed them on her belly.

He caressed her skin and she felt the butterfly stirrings begin.

"Gil." She stroked her hands over his face, needing to say it before the tears stole her voice.

"We're pregnant."

The End

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So this was it... the end...hope you enjoyed the ride. Please let me know in the reviews...will begin another story soon! It will involve Cath in another city and Gil in Vegas and both of them miserable... so stay tuned...! Thanks for this...loved it! C


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